Put it in my tight little hate-hole

A few days back, Dean Barnett on Hooty Hoo's blog noted that, in marked contrast to conservative bloggers, leading liberal talking heads were a bunch of dirty potty mouths. "I bet you could read all of us for a week," said the Dean, "and not find a single naughty word on any of our sites."

Well, surely the Dean didn't think I was going to let him slide on that without a little fact-checking. I decided to comb through a week worth of posts at the cited sites, and I was appalled at what I found: these so-called morally upstanding right-wing pundits are wallowing in a cesspool of filth, depravity and racy language. Just look:

PROFESSOR POOPYPANTS: "ball" (thrice), "sucks" (thrice), "sexual" (thrice), "sex", "pork", "guzzling", "dick", "dog doo", "Ann Althouse".

NAUGHTY GIRL: "hot" (innumerable times), "bottom", "oopsie-doopsie", "damnable" (twice), "embeddable", "yanked", "super-sized", "nuts", "Ann Althouse".

KILLING AN ARAB: "outrageous", "unbelievable", "smear-job", "disgraceful", "distorted", "murderers", "genocide", "truly evil", "repellent", "fraudulent", "just plain evil", "sick". "creepy", "offensive", "disgusting", "hate-hole", "twisted", "freaks", "tainted", "horrifying", "ghoulish", "bloodstained", "appalling".*

YO OLDE BLOWHARDE: "coming" (twice), "rocky", "draining the swamp", "diktat", "Shi'ite", "leeway", "bones", "tucchus", "bits", "lip-biting", "Phillipe Douste-Blazy".

HOOTY HOO: "secret weapon", "satisfied customer", "blunt talk", "fumblerooski", "walk back the cat", "erecting a strawman", "quarantinig [sic] its staff".

BUTT PROPULSION LABORATORIES: "armadillo".

*: That's just from the last three days! And, in the comments section of just his most recent post, I got "asshole", "crap", "fucking" (twice), "asswipe", "shitheads", "pussy", "fuckhead", "reamed their holes", and several threats to attack a young female music critic of Arab descent with a hammer and a fire hose. But hey, that's not his fault! We all know that you can't blame an entire movement for what a few of its more extreme adherents might say, right?

Then we can make all kinds of crazy laws!

Over at Pedestrian Infidel, one of the more virulent anti-Muslim hate sites, one of the mouthbreathers has posted an hilarious proposed constitutional amendment that would ban Islam. Thus making it the sort of constitutional amendment that not only openly ignores the content of the rest of the constitution, but neatly accomplishes the very goals of the people it claims to target. Let's take a look!

Whereas Religion is defined as an institution dedicated to improving social conscience and promoting individual and societal spiritual growth in a way that is harmless to others not participating in or practicing the same;

It is? Says who?

Whereas Islam includes a complete political and social structure, encompassed by its religious law, Sharia, that supersedes any civil law and that Islam mandates that no secular or democratic institutions are to be superior to Islamic law;

Of course, millions and millions of individual Muslims and many majority-Islamic states do not practice shari'a, but that's not important right now.

Whereas Islam preaches that it and it alone is the true religion

A precept completely absent from any other religions widely believed here in the US of A.

Whereas Saudi Arabia, the spiritual home of Islam does not permit the practice of any other religion on its soil and even “moderate” Muslims states such as Turkey and Malaysia actively suppress other religions;

Whereas in Russia they speak Russian and in Korea all the basketball teams are really short...

Whereas Islam includes as its basic tenant the spread of the faith by any and all means necessary

TENET, you fucking assholes, TENET, use the right goddamn word for once in your lives.

Whereas on 9/11/2001 19 Muslim hijackers acting in the name of Islam killed 3,000 Americans

Islam's name could not be reached for comment.

Whereas there is no organized Islamic opposition to violent proponents of Islam;

None! Anywhere! Which is why violent Islamism dominates in every one of the countries where Islam's 1.5 billion adherents live.

Therefore: Islam is not a religion, but a political ideology more akin to Fascism and totally in opposition to the ideals of freedom as described in the United States Constitution, especially the Bill of Rights.

Therefore, french fries taste good. (Fascism, by the way? Still legal in the U.S. Communism, too.)

Be it resolved that the following Amendment to the Constitution be adopted:

Be it resolved that I'm really impressed with myself.

Article I: The social/political/ideological system known around the world as Islam is not recognized in the United States as a religion. The practice of Islam is therefore not protected under the 1st Amendment as to freedom of religion and speech.

It's some kind of crazy new thing that allows us to ignore the fact that the rest of the Constitution expressly forbids discrimination based on religion -- or, for that matter, social preference, ideological belief, or political party affiliation.

Article II: As representatives of Islam around the world have declared war, and committed acts of war, against the United States and its democratic allies around the world, Islam is hereby declared an enemy of the United States and its practice within the United States is now prohibited.

Be it resolved that we just wrote the world's biggest enforcement problem right into the Constitution.

Article III: Immediately upon passage of this Amendment all Mosques, schools and Muslim places of worship and religious training are to be closed, converted to other uses, or destroyed. Proceeds from sales of such properties may be distributed to congregations of said places but full disclosure of all proceeds shall be made to an appropriate agency as determined by Congress. No compensation is to be offered by Federal or State agencies for losses on such properties however Federal funding is to be available for the demolishing of said structures if other disposition cannot be made.

This is super-American and democratic! What patriotic, freedom-loving American doesn't want to seize and destroy the property of innocent people?

The preaching of Islam in Mosques, Schools, and other venues is prohibited. The subject of Islam may be taught in a post high school academic environment provided that instruction include discussion of Islam’s history of violence, conquest, and its ongoing war on democratic and other non-Islamic values.

Well, this doesn't resemble the tactics of Nazis, Stalinists, or radical Islamists at ALL.

The preaching or advocating of Islamic ideals of world domination, destruction of America and democratic institutions, jihad against Judaism, Christianity and other religions, and advocating the implementation of Sharia law shall in all cases be punishable by fines, imprisonment, deportation, and death as proscribed by Congress.

I'll tell you what, I bet the founding fathers are just kicking themselves in Heaven for not having the foresight to include a Constitutional amendment allowing the death penalty for belonging to a different religion.

Muslims will be denied the opportunity to immigrate to the United States.

That way, we can ensure that all the Muslims who aren't radical extremists have to stay where they are and get imprisoned or killed! It's a great plan!

And now, the big finish:

Article IV: Nothing in this amendment shall be construed as authorizing the discrimination against, of violence upon, nor repudiation of the individual rights of those Americans professing to be Muslim.

HA HA HA HA HA, maaaaaan! And people wonder why I find this stuff so goddamn hilarious.

It takes a shocking 10 or 12 posts in the comments section for someone to suggest nuking Mecca. What tolerance! What grace! What the fuck!

Saint of Killers

Over at Volokh, David Kopel asks us to join him in celebrating St. Gabriel Possenti Day. Gabe is the gun-totin' bigamist wannabe that kill-fetishists want to have declared the patron saint of handgunners. Because, really, who needs to be protected by magical ghosts more than someone wielding a semi-automatic?

Perhaps anticipating the "what the fuck?" reaction, Kopel reminds us that there are all kinds of saints whose purview is killing people, including St. Barbara (ammo mags), St. Adrian of Nicomedia (arms dealers), paratroopers (the Archangel Michael) and Special Forces (St. Philip Neri).

However, reading further, St. Gabe might be better named the patron saint of hysterically violent overreactions to homosexuality:

This was not the only time that Possenti drew a weapon. On one occasion, the young seminarian was taking a walk when a young man came along, and began chatting and walking with Possenti. The conversation was friendly, until they came near a deserted shack, and the stranger tried to lure Possenti inside for a homosexual encounter-—a triple sin in Possenti's eyes, since the sex would be non-marital, homosexual, and a flagrant violation of the seminarian’s vow of celibacy. Apparently afraid that the stranger might attempt to rape him, Possenti drew his hunting knife, which he always carried when walking in the woods, and yelled, "You fiend! If you try to touch me, I'll stick you through." The stranger fled.

That'll learn him! A gun-toting, knife-wielding, hot-tempered, angry homophobe -- surely this is a saint for our times.

How liberals are today

Like most liberals, I take my cues on how to act from my dark master, Satan.

Ha ha, no! I'm kidding. Really, I take my cues on how to act by the people who are watching me the closest. Just as a wild chimp in the savage jungles doesn't know he's eating a banana until Jane Goodall shows him the notes she made saying so, no good liberal knows what is behind his bizarre, hateful, anti-human behavior until someone at Town Hall explains it. So we periodically check in with the Clown Royal Family, in order to know how we are. Let's see!

- Mark Alexander: liberals like Al Gore even though he is a communist.
- John Kline: liberals want to destroy democracy with their so-called 'unions'.*
- Thomas Sowell: liberals are living in a crazy fantasy world where Clarence Thomas is dumb.
- Janice Shaw Crouch: liberals have created a poisonous culture that makes celebrities shave their own heads.
- David Limbaugh: liberals are gutless, terror-aiding traitors but they won't let us say so.
- Phyllis Schlafly: liberals are trying to get us to pass a wasteful law to prevent violence against women, which is totally unnecessary because American women are protected by the Virgin Mary.
- Douglas MacKinnon: liberals have doomed our country by threatening any politician who dares speak out against Islamofascism.
- Dennis Prager: liberals might sometimes be Jewish, but they're not Jewish enough.

The pursuit of happiness

A new opinion poll demonstrates how completely "Old Europe" is brainwashed by years of leftist multicultural propaganda. An astonishing 87% of Europeans consider themselves happy, with only Bulgaria -- part of "New Old Europe" and thus semi-aware of their continent's precarious position at the knife-edge of Islamoterrorfascism -- rating themselves as mildly unhappy.

Most incomprehensible of all, 97% of the stalwart Danes rate themselves as happy! For goodness sake, aren't these people reading The Darkies Are Coming? Their very existence is under attack by the dusky hordes! Why, just today, we learn of the Fritter Folk, a praiseworthy and probably-not-at-all white supremacist neo-Nazi organization in Denmark which is bravely giving speeches in front of heroic statues -- speeches which take a bold stand against the gang rapes, baby mutilations, and the inability of kindergarteners to eat pork livers!

WAKE UP, vast majority of Danish citizens! According to this ridiculous, and probably liberally biased, poll, you're more worried about petty nonsense like unemployment, the rising cost of living, and whether or not your hard-earned pensions will disappear than truly important issues like banning the Q'uran! If only you read more crazy right-wing blogs, you wouldn't be "happy", or, as I like to call it, "hurtling head-first towards inevitable cultural suicide".

The Shit

By giving this post that title, I have proven Dean Barnett's point, which is that liberal bloggers are a bunch of potty-mouths.

The top-rated conservative blogs are Instapundit, Michelle Malkin, Little Green Footballs, Powerline, Captain’s Quarters, Hot Air and our own humble little Hugh Hewitt site. All of these sites eschew a “vivid vocabulary.” I bet you could read all of us for a week and not find a single naughty word on any of our sites.

Yes, indeed! You might find a whole bunch of crazy racism, sexism, and homophobia; you'll almost certainly find totally baseless accusations of anti-Semitism and claims that anyone who votes Democrat is objectively pro-terror; and you more than likely will hear calls for genocide against dark-skinned middle-easterners. There'll probably also be a defense of building concentration camps, a call for poor people to quit whining and get a job, and a comparison of someone who wants to give underpriveleged citizens health care to Joseph Stalin. There is a 100% likelihood that you will read someone typing with one hand about the future destruction by terror nuke of a minor American city and how that will be all the fault of the liberals*.

But you won't see any swearing! Well, unless you read the comments sections, where it takes about three seconds for someone to call Nancy Pelosi a cunt.

*: By the way, surely I'm not the only one who's noticed that conservatives come all over themselves at the thought of getting to blame liberals for the imaginary destruction of a theoretical American city by nonexistent terrorists, but that their reaction to the actual destruction of an actual American city has been muted at best? New Orleans is still a disaster area, but I can't remember the last time a conservative blogger said anything about it, or called for someone to be held responsible, or demanded that it not happen again, or did anything other than bitch about looters and the alleged crime rate upswing in cities with a lot of Katrina evacuees. By their works, etc.

D'Souzaphone Sounds Off

Dinesh "The Terrorists Were Right" D'Souza wants to know: what really went on at Abu Ghraib?

For one thing, Muslims didn't get mad about the whole torture thing. After all, since they are animals who only understand force, it was quite mild by their standards:

Most Muslims did not view it as a torture story at all. Muslims were not outraged at the interrogation techniques used by the American military, which are quite mild by Arab standards. Moreover, many Muslims realized that the most of the torture scenes in the photographs—the hooded man with his arms outstretched, the prisoner with wires attached to his limbs—were staged.

Note the rigorouly sourced claims that "most" and "many" Muslims weren't outraged by the torture. This is proven by the footnotes, which a careful study reveals there aren't any footnotes. No, the Muslims weren't outraged at beatings, suffocation, humiliation, mistreatment or rape: what really bothered them was the sex stuff, because like most right-thinking people, Muslims hate dirty nasty ucky sex:

The main focus of Islamic disgust was what Muslims perceived as extreme sexual perversion. For many traditional Muslims, Abu Ghraib demonstrated the casualness with which married Americans have affairs, walk out on their spouses, and produce children without bothering to take responsibility for the care of their offspring. In the Muslim view, this perversion is characteristic of American society.

You see, it's not at all that Iraqis were pissed that innocent people were beaten and tortured and had broken light-sticks shoved up their ass! Not at all. What really frosted their Islamic flakes is that the people doing their torture were having unmarried sex and carrying on affairs and bearing children out of wedlock. Which, I mean, you know, that makes perfect sense to me. Whenever someone smears me with dogshit, wraps me up in a mattress, pounds on my kidneys with a rifle butt, and takes photographs of the whole scene to send to his buddies back home, the first thing in the forefront of my mind is, "Is this guy who's torturing me loyal to his spouse? Because if not, I'm going to be very upset."

Of course, if the Iraqis who felt the illicit carryings-on of PFC England and Spec. Granier were representative of the evils of America, they were mistaken:

It reflected the sexual immodesty of liberal America. Lynndie England and Charles Graner were two wretched individuals from Red America who were trying to act out the fantasies of Blue America. Casting aside all traditional notions of decency, propriety and morality, they simply lived by the code of self-fulfillment. If it feels good, it must be right. This was bohemianism, West Virginia-style.

You see, even though England and Granier were red-state Republicans, they had somehow been brainwashed into adopting liberal blue-state values (extramarital affairs, sexual promiscuity and unwanted pregnancy being completely unknown in conservative circles). If not for the insidious influence of the cultural left, it would not have occurred to two Appalachian-Americans to have sex with one another, and the horrors of Abu Ghraib would never have taken place!

This is why we must not minimize what went on there; it was a terrible, unforgivable thing. But we must make sure that we blame the right people: not the soldiers who actually did it, or the military that allowed it to happen and then covered it up, or the government that failed to address it, or the pundits who made excuses for it, but the liberals:

In minimizing Abu Ghraib, some conservatives became cheap apologists for liberal debauchery.

It takes a lot of stones to claim that Abu Ghraib is the responsibility of the liberal left, but that's why Dinesh is a superstar.

It's a Doug's Doug's Doug's Doug's World

We haven't checked in on Doug Giles in a few weeks, and it seems that in the meantime, he's gone from worrying that his daughters might marry a Negro to someone might mistake him for a fruit.

But not to worry! Doug is a man's man -- possibly even a man's man's man -- but that doesn't mean he's a, er, man's man. In fact, he has ten simple rules so that "you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit". Doug, you see, doesn't understand the homo mind. He doesn't understand why gay men don't like women, when they want to be women; and, in a seeming contradiction that nonetheless is right at home in his meaty brain, he doesn't understand why, if lesbians like women, they behave like men. He also, in a choice that may be more revealing than he intends, expresses a desire that gay men emulate ruff-trade leatherboy Rob Halford instead of "Jay Alexander"* But he's willing to meet the queers halfway, and has compiled a list of ten things to know about the straight man.

1. We can clean up real good.

2. That said, we don't want clean fingernails or fruity hairdos.

3. Also, Vespas are for girls and "Harley's" are for boys.

4. Little dogs are definitely fruity.

5. All straight men enjoy cavorting in the glory of a steaming pile of animal intestines.

6. Real men do not use Chap-Stik.

7. "We like boots not flip flops." (I think Doug here is confusing gay men with elderly Floridians.)

8. Real men do not like Celine Dion, especially "for the eight time". However, they are apparently powerless to change the channel when she is on.

9. We like tits.

10. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Isn't that funny? He just thought of it.

*: Presumably, Doug means ANTM's J. Alexander, and not this guy.

Early mornin' Jew-hatin'

Normally, I eschew simple links to poli-bloggers more popular than myself (i.e., all of them), because it feels too much like whoring, which I already do too much of at my day job as a prostitute. I prefer to provide original content, because, well, I'm just so fucking funny.

But no amount of my funny can compete with this post from the Poor Man, where he is attacked as a deranged anti-Semite by "What Would Charles Martel Do?"*, one of the less noticeable Exterminate-the-Brutes blogs. You really must take a look at how this unhinged, self-impressed Warhammer enthusiast goes sickhouse on one of my fellow jolly jokesters, accusing him of Alfred-Rosenberg-style Jew-hatred while claiming that his own hysterical fear of and revulsion towards Muslims is in fact "making a stand FOR TOLERANCE".

Oh, and speaking of making a stand for tolerance, what if I were to tell you that Chuckles Johnson is so blinded by his hatred of Arabs that he can't understand the most obvious sarcasm in political cartoons and completely misses who's being mocked in a one-panel strip that a dull eleven-year-old would be able to understand? You'd believe it? Me too.

*: Probably say something like "Aieeee! Giant metal bug!", or stare blankly at a Coca-Cola billboard, or cry when someone made fun of how his father was named "Pippin the Middle", or something. Maybe get a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, I dunno.

And the Oscar goes to..."Enter the Shrimper"!

Today's winner of the "Article Whose Entire Premise is Refuted By Its Very Existence" award is: Dick Morris!

Space-Stalin attacks!

In the "things I am going to start worrying about the minute every other problem in the world is completely resolved" department, Professor Poopypants draws our attention to the growing menace of "a vast socialist empire in space". I'm pretty sure that we need to focus on establishing individual property rights on the moon just about as much as we need to focus on establishing proper voting rights for tigers.

Thank God that's over with

After his terrifying brush with the unpleasant General Odom, who failed to appreciate his position on the front lines of terror, Hooty Hoo makes a stunning recovery by sitting down with Milosevic enthusiast Mark Time, who isn't going to do anything crazy like disagree with him or challenge his basic assumptions.

In case you don't have time to read the whole transcript, here's a précis:

HUGH HEWITT: Can you believe that general guy? He didn't know anything about the 12th Imam.

MARK STEYN: It's as if he thinks the lunatic opinions of a handful of religious fanatics are of marginal importance to our foreign policy and international strategic goals!

HUGH HEWITT: He didn't even know who Sayed Qutub was. I have to question his very competence to carry on an adult conversation if he can't identify a man who's been dead for forty years and might have been an influence on the nutty ideas of Osama bin-Laden. That would be like trying to fight the Nazis in WII without having read the complete works of the Comte de Gobineau!

MARK STEYN: How dare he try and make suggestions for global policy that are not contingent on hysterical fretting over obscure Islamist theology!

HUGH HEWITT: Clearly, he is just an ignorant Lieutenant-General in the US Army who was head of military intelligence, a former director of the National Security Agency, and a veteran of three foreign wars, and he lacks the kind of knowledge and insight that you, a Canadian former disc jockey and expert on musical theatre, and I, a prominent blogger and former overseer of the Nixon Museum, possess.

MARK STEYN: Well, that bad man is gone now, Hugh, and I'm here. Can we go back to talking about how the only way to stop the Islamist menace is through calculated genocide?

HUGH HEWITT: We sure can, Mark. We sure can.

Counterpoint: homos are gross

The Medfly doesn't want to seem like some sort of a deranged, homophobic asshole like Tim Hardaway, but he has to admit: queers are pretty yucky.

You can tell early on that the Medfly is going to bust some crazy science on us:

In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks. The analogy is ridiculous, of course. There is no rational basis for discomfort at playing with athletes of another race since science and experience show that human racial differences remain insignificant. The much better analogy for discomfort at gay teammates involves the widespread (and generally accepted) idea that women and men shouldn’t share locker rooms.

You see, science has shown us that being creeped out at hanging around with blacks is not rational -- but being creeped out at hanging around with gays? That's perfectly in line with human nature! Science and rationality totally support homophobia! IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE

Making gay males unwelcome in the intimate circumstances of an NBA team makes just as much sense as making straight males unwelcome in the showers for a women’s team at the WNBA. Most female athletes would prefer not to shower together with men not because they hate males (though some of them no doubt do), but because they hope to avoid the tension, distraction and complication that prove inevitable when issues of sexual attraction (and even arousal) intrude into the arena of competitive sports.

Regarding the cute little jab at the man-hating lesbians of the WNBA, the Medfly seems confused. If there are a bunch of dykes in the WNBA, wouldn't the sexual tension come from showering with other women? Also, I'm not sure if he's aware of this, but there are male locker room reporters in the WNBA, but like the male locker room reporters in the regular NBA, they do not actually shower with the athletes.

But wait! The Medfly is about to reach the zenith of dumb. Let's watch!

Tim Hardaway (and most of his former NBA teammates) wouldn’t welcome openly gay players into the locker room any more than they’d welcome profoundly unattractive, morbidly obese women. I specify unattractive females because if a young lady is attractive (or, even better, downright “hot”) most guys, very much including the notorious love machines of the National Basketball Association, would probably welcome her joining their showers. The ill-favored, grossly overweight female is the right counterpart to a gay male because, like the homosexual, she causes discomfort due to the fact that attraction can only operate in one direction. She might well feel drawn to the straight guys with whom she’s grouped, while they feel downright repulsed at the very idea of sex with her.

RESOLVED:

- Homos are gross
- They're kinda like fat ugly broads
- In that no one wants to fuck them
- NBA players are like dogs that are constantly in rut
- So they would really get off on showering with hot chicks
- But not fat ugly gross ones
- Which is what homos are like (see Point 2)
- Unlike the roguish heteros of the NBA, there is nothing charming about the sexual desires of disgusting fat ladies or queers
- And decent people should not be exposed to anything like that
- Therefore, Tim Hardaway is right

The Medfly, ladies and gentlemen. Solving all our problems...with SCIENCE!

Town Hall Crapdate

Things are a bit slow at the gas station, but Town Hall is always working overtime!

Paul Greenberg writes a spirited defense of plagiarism, saying that when he does it, it's cute.

Frank Gaffney shows an admirable consistency by insisting that dirty vicious Muslims have no place on the right, either.

Janice Shaw Crouse, Town Hall's resident "oh my goodness" expert, decries our permissive society, what with its salacious airplane-toilet sex-having. Can't something be done?

Brent "Walter Peck" Bozell, who, like most conservatives, knows that Paul Ehrlich's The Population Bomb turned out to be inaccurate, reminds us that because someone was once wrong about something, we should never, ever listen to scientists ever again.

Little Benny Shapiro notes that Muslims are worse than asteroids, and people from other countries are no good.

Dummytude Watch

Thanks to the ever-alert Baron Zemo over at The Darkies Are Coming, we now know that Muslims are building shacks in rural Georgia. Mysterious shacks. Mysterious shacks with oddly colored roofs. Thanks to this brave hero and his comrades in the Christian Action Network, whatever that is, who actually took to the skies in a stunningly good use of their money and time, America may yet survive the deadly tanning sheds and smokehouses of these sinister Musselmen.

And they're not just any Muslims. They're Negroes!

Oh, boy!

Via LGM, it appears that everyone's favorite Bluto-intellectual, Victor Davis Hanson, is writing a novel!

Well, it's about time, is all I can say. America has surely been crying out for a novel about the great march of the Boiotians under Epaminodas to liberate the Messinian helots, and soon it will have one! If the excerpts are any indication, this thing's gonna be dynamite:

The great victory over the Spartans at Leuktra is a year past. It’s now winter, and the Boiotians are still debating whether to take the war home to Sparta. After hearing the Athenian Kallistratos and his Boiotian ally Eteokles damn the notion of a katabasis southward, the general Epaminondas addresses and wins over the assembly to march out the next day.

Wow, COMPELLING! Way to set the scene, Vic. Now, hit us with some narrative.

No one was quite sure what would next follow. No one in memory had voted to march so far for so long—and for so many others. An eerie silence followed. Would harsh Reason goad them back, back to blame others for the vote?

I DON'T KNOW! But I can't wait to find out! You never know what's going to happen with that crazy harsh Reason, and its goading!

Then Melon for the first time noticed that the old sophist Alkidamas of all people, the wine-soaked has-been of the symposia, not the Boiotarchs or once again Pelopidas, was approaching the bema.

No! No fucking way! Not Melon! Surely it's a Boiotarch. NOT MELON!!!1! Totally get that guy away from the bema!

As the assembly of the Boiotians broke up, the white-haired Alkidamas lumbered over to Melon and slapped him lightly across the face, “I think I have the beginning of a real speech some day from these words that suddenly flew into my head. Such a wild daimon came into me—it was as if the one god of ours were wagging my tongue. Still is it seems.”

That...is some A-#1 dialogue. No wonder he is the leading light of neo-conservative smartitude! I cannot wait for the release of this amazing work of fiction.

Vic also has some pointed questions for his audience today:

If one were to substitute “Muslim” for “Christian” in the rants of the Edwards bloggers, would there have been any hesitation about firing them?

That's an interesting question, Vic! I bet the continued employment of Charles Johnson, your co-columnist at Big Boy Jammies, might help answer it.

If Austrian sniper rifles really were recently sold to Iran, brought into Iraq, and used to kill Americans., what would Europeans think if American sniper weaponry were sold, under our government’s auspices, to those supplying the Basque separatists to kill Spaniards?

Uh...there's no "if" about it, Vic. The United States is the biggest arms supplier in the world and has been for decades, and has supplied arms to a number of terror organizations all over the world, and to State-Department-certified 'undemocratic states' and human rights abusers like Pakistan, Colombia, Ethiopia, Chad and Angola. People who are against these sorts of deals, unlike you, are generally opposed to the proliferation of violence in general rather than just trying to score ideological I-told-you-so points.

Hamas and Fatah have different uniforms. They have two conflicting ideologies and clear antithetical agendas. And now they are killing one another. Why is this not a “civil war,” but the senseless sectarian violence in Iraq is?

Hmmm. A stumper! I can't think of one single answer to this one! Possibly because there are many answers! Like:

- Neither Hamas nor Fatah have official uniforms

- While their ideological agendas are different in some ways, they are similar in many others

- Neither is a state actor, and the area in which they are fighting is not a recognized nation, thus disqualifying any conflict between them as a civil war on its face

- The phrase "civil war" has an actual meaning and isn't just some bullshit thing that people say, and the Hamas/Fatah conflict doesn't even remotely meet any of the standards for a civil war

- You're an idiot and nothing about your question makes any sense

It's Mr. President Man's Day!

Yes, it's President's Day, and in celebration of the great men who labored so tirelessly to make this country succeed, I get the day off work. But Mr. President Man never takes the day off; even when the rest of us are eating pizza fingers and drinking Mai Tais, he is scrambling to prove that his administration has made many worse mistakes than invading Iraq.

I thought, since I don't have to work today, this might be a good time to look back at how Mr. President Man is doing. After all, he'll be the one whose birthday we're celebrating one day!

1. MARS WATCH: Still not on Mars. But workin' on it! What else are we gonna do with all that money?

2. SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM: Still not reformed. But totally workin' on it! Look out, America! Anyway, the economy is fine. Who needs Social Security anyway?

3. DEATH TAX REPEAL: Whoops, hit a little snag there. But hopefully it won't be long before this terrible burden is lifted off the backs of our hardest-working Americans.

4. WAR ON TERROR: Hey, this is a pretty big one, right? Still, it's really not going as well as it might. But he's really talking tough about it, so start expecting results any day now!

5. BANNING HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS: Now we're talking! Werewolf attacks are at an all-time low, and we may have no idea where Bin-Laden is, but at leasts arrests are being made. Way to go, Mr. President Man!

Elsewhere at the gas station...

The Man from Fuddles writes a love letter to Big Petroleum, Janet Shaw Crouse defends virginity by comparing sex to an elephant, Mona Charen places the blame for the fall of the Twin Towers on rap music, hotel porn, Britney Spears and Two and a Half Men, and John Hawkins, the bull-necked dingaling who is rapidly becoming the pride of Town Hall, gives the ol' Stabbed-in-the-Back-Mobile another spin around the block.

Poor little naughty girl

Via the ever-sassy Bradley No, we learn that the Naughty Girl (who, yesterday, was creaming her jeans about Professor Poopypants' revelation that hard-rockin' superstars Five for Fighting are fans of right-wing Bluto-intellectual Viktor Davis Hanson) has received an adoring mash note from the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz. Sure, dear readers, you might think Michelle Malkin is a horrible, despicable human being who makes her living mau-mauing anyone whose politics are even at slight variance with her own, but in fact, she is a lonely, sad little girl who has had to suffer deprivations and persecutions that you are probably totally incapable of understanding. Why, just look at what the poor thing has had to live through!

Michelle Malkin has seen her head electronically grafted onto a photo of a bikini-clad body.

OH NOES! That's as bad as being imprisoned in a Japanese-American internment camp! Luckily, our little trouper has been able to ease her pain by constantly using Photoshop mockery of her own on her Hot Air v-casts.

She had to cancel a Berkeley book signing in the face of 200 shouting protesters.

OH NOES! Protestors? Against Michelle Malkin? What is this world coming to? Lousy democracy!

YouTube banned one of her videos.

OH NOES! YouTube banning one of your videos is a thousand times worse than the Siberian gulags, Sobibor and the Black Hole of Calcutta put together!

And she felt compelled to move after critics posted online her Gaithersburg area address and pictures of her home.

OH NOES! Of course, this only happened as retaliation for Malkin having published the address, phone number and contact information of some college students whose viewpoints she disagreed with (and which resulted in dozens of death threats from her readers to the students), but that's beside the point! No matter how many times the Naughty Girl uses other peoples' personal information as part of an ideological attack plan, no matter how many times her own readers make death threats against the people she declares the enemy, no matter even if her actions might have actually exacerbated the conditions that led to someone's suicide or actually leads to domestic terrorism, the important thing to remember is, it's not her fault, and using her own techniques against her is absolutely beyond the pale.

Malkin tells it like it is: all the attacks on her are really about racism.

"Particularly when you're a minority conservative," she says, "you get a lot of ugly, hysterical, unhinged attacks, because you're challenging so many liberal myths about what people of color should think."

True enough, some people do believe the myth that people of color shouldn't be virulent racists, that Asian-Americans shouldn't write books defending Japanese-American internment camps, and that "anchor baby" daughters of immigrants shouldn't be so quick to constantly condemn immigrants who have "anchor babies". But that doesn't excuse the fact that one out of a hundred comments on liberal blogs sometimes call her a "gook" or a "slanty"; that's the sort of unspeakable vileness that you never see in right-wing blogs, and certainly never on Michelle's own website.

After a few liberal sites posted her home address and phone numbers last year, Malkin received a wave of harassing calls. She responded with a defiant post, headlined "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU." Malkin and her family have moved elsewhere in Maryland.

"No one likes to receive the kind of attacks she gets," [Malkin's business partner] Preston says. "She has had to take some security precautions to make sure it doesn't rise to the level of threatening her family."

Moving to a different house might seem like the actions of someone who is afraid, but in reality, she was just taking precautions against the possibilty that someday someone will threaten her family, which hasn't happened yet, but you never know.

"You have to accept that you'll never have many friends," Malkin says. "It's a lonely existence."

FEEL SORRY FOR HER, READERS. I COMMAND IT.

Be my neo-con Valentine

You know, there's more to the National Review than just Jonah Goldberg and the Corner Boys making Star Trek references. They have their romantic side, too, and they celebrated Valentine's Day by writing adorably goopy love letters to their favorite politicos.

It's always hard to judge someone's sincere declaration of love; ranking one honest, heartfelt expression of feelings against another seems almost cruel. So how can we say what's best? How can we say that Andrew Breitbart's mash note to shrill lesbian anti-feminist Tammy Bruce is better or worse than Lucianne Goldberg's adoration of Margaret Thatcher for her unparalleled ability to wear a hat? (No, really. Go look.) Bridget Johnson gets all wet at the thought of "sexy" Israeli ambassador Dan Gillerman, and Kathryn Jean Lopez finds her heart aflutter at the thought of shithouse-rat-crazy ex-Senator Bob Dornan. (They don't let Jonah play, because he just says "Seven of Nine" every time.)

The reprehensible Maggie Thatcher is, indeed, the most adored (though not always for her hat-wearing skills), with Ronald Reagan a close second, but Rudy Giuliani is a strong candidate for neo-con love. Midge (Mrs. Norman Podhoretz) Decter singles him out for his Negro-hiding skills:

Practically every New Yorker over the age of 17 knows from his own experience that [before Giuliani] our city had become a dirty, dangerous, and depressed place, with criminals and beggars vying for pride of place in its streets

But the best of all comes from pudding-sweet Danielle Crittenden, who likewise admires Rudy's courageous stance in locking up homeless people, and expresses in rhyme her love of the only man who can stand up to the Democrats who are doing such a lousy job of protecting the Kurds:

You may not be pro-life enough
for the religious right;
You may come on too mean and tough
to please every girl in sight;

While it's true your past is shady
And could spoil photo-ops;
(What with Bernie, the ex-first lady,
And that Louima stuff with the cops...)

I can't help feeling you're the man
with whom to spend the next two terms;
You're a butt-kicking Yankee fan
Who's got no time for worms.

A man who's locked out Arafat
And thrown vagrants into prison
Won't cringe before a Democrat
Or allow Iran nuclear fission.

We need you to beat Obama
Whose grand evasive words
Won't find and kill Osama
Or protect Israel, or the Kurds.

That's why I’ll board the Rudy bus
'Cause in politics as in love
Courage is what carries us
When push comes down to shove.

AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW.

Iran, So Far Away

But not so far away that we shouldn't invade it! Come on, this is a great idea and everybody knows it. Of course, Mr. President Man says we aren't going to do it and that his only goal is to protect our troops, but then again, he managed to protect them twice before by ordering them to invade a country that hadn't attacked us. I mean, really, he is protecting the motherfucking shit out of our troops. As always, we should listen to the cave bear grunts issuing forth from the trachea of Dick Cheney to know what our real plans are: to make a nice, tidy little line-up of Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan. No one likes to start on a collection and end up missing one piece! Just ask our well-protected troops, many of whom are now themselves missing pieces: they sure don't like it!

Hearts and minds, everybody...

Hearts and minds...

Death of a Salesblob

With Kansas inexplicably taking steps to surrender its crown as dumbest state in the union, Tennessee is bolting right for the opening.

Under this proposed legislation, death certificates would have to be filled out for all aborted fetuses within ten days of their demise. This might propose a bit of an administrative problem, as an aborted fetus does not have a name, address, Social Security number, place of birth, or any other kind of identifying feature of the sort that is normally recorded on a death certificate. This makes the resulting document slightly less useful than a blank piece of paper except for its actual purpose, which is providing a means to facilitate the harrassment of women.

I look forward to Tennessee's next bold legislative proposal, which I'm guessing will be requiring funerals for every chicken eaten within the state lines.

(Thanks to Maud for the tip.)

Even in India, they know these guys are assholes

Group Portrait with Rabies: Mukul Kesavan, a columnist for the Calcutta Telegraph, reads Christopher Hitchen's glowing review of Mark Time's new book, and detects in it a gleeful naughtiness, an adolescent's joy at saying something shocking. When Hitch gives a thumbs up to slaughtering those undesirable demographics you cannot outbreed, argues the author, you may think you're just playing to the South Park conservative crowd, the folks who think you're being delightfully un-P.C., but what you're really doing is making room at the table for the worst elements of your ideology. India is a country that knows a bit about real, honest-to-goodness fascism -- there's more than a few fascist parties with sitting members of parliament -- and the opinions of their observers should be given a tad more weight than those of an expat Orwell-stroker and a Canadian gloomsayer. Give it a ride...

Becking News!

Glenn Beck, who previously took a brave stance in demanding that Keith Ellison prove he was not a terrorist babykiller, tells everybody to just calm down, because Barack Obama isn't actually black.

We are awaiting the arrival of Alan Keyes with a paper bag to confirm or deny this claim.

Junk-in-the-trunk science

On the topic of global warming, you have to admit, the conservatives are just fighting the good fight for truth in science, the same way they do with creationism "Intelligent Design". All they want are the facts, verifiable and testable; they have no other reason to oppose this crazy left-wing cult called "global warming". And if you think they do -- if you're one of those small, suspicious people who suppose there might be an ulterior motive behind their noble opposition to this so-called "scientific fact" that is allegedly "unquestionable true" according to a bunch of self-appointed "researchers" and "experts in their fields" -- well, then, I just feel sorry for you.

(Courtesy the Poor Man, who, in an excellent post on the subject of global warming denial, notes that this ain't the first time Exxon-Mobil has tried the pay-for-play approach.)

Slaying the Pandagon

Hmmmm, let's see. Largest federal budget deficit in American history? Nope, that's still there.

Disastrous, go-nowhere war in Iraq that managed to make a bad situation even worse for all parties involved? That's still goin' on.

Near-total destruction of a major American city through compounded human error? Already done, so we can move on to totally botching the reconstruction.

Shameless war profiteering and fraud amounting to the biggest financial scandal in U.S. history? Nope, nothing really being done there.

Systematic winnowing away of Constitutional rights under the guise of protecting us from largely nonexistent threats? No progress on halting that.

Continued income disparities between rich and poor exacerbated by a tax system that flagrantly favors the very wealthy? I don't think we wanna speak out against that.

But mau-mauing the press into forcing the resignation of an aide to an opposition political candidate for the crime of having personal opinions? Mission a-fucking-ccomplished!

It's a hilariocaust!

Dennis "My Son's Black Friend Has a White Friend Whose Father is a Jew" Prager has some stern words today for Ellen Goodman and George Soros.

Goodman (whose father was a Holocaust survivor, but will never be as great a Jew as Dennis Prager, who has written a bunch of columns about how Jews are better than anyone else except Christians) was impolitic enough to say in a recent column that " global warming deniers are now on a par with Holocaust deniers". What she meant, of course, is that to deny the existence of global warming is comparable -- indeed, even worse -- than denying the existence of the Holocaust, because of the massive weight of evidence to support both events. But Prager being Prager, he turns it into a sterling example of the moral midgetry of liberals and the covert anti-Semitism of everyone who disagrees with him, even if they are Jews.

With a few exceptions, those on the Left tend to view their ideological adversaries as bad people, i.e., people with bad intentions, while those on the Right tend to view their adversaries as wrong, perhaps even dangerous, but not usually as bad.

Well, who can argue with that? I can't remember the last time a right-winger portrayed their political enemies as bad people. It can't possibly have happened more than, say, five hundred kerjillion times in the last month and a half. Hey, Dennis: seeing as your reputation is inexplicably that of a moderate intellectual, try not to lead off your column by saying something that is contradicted by 80% of the content of the site on which it appears, including the comments section of your own post.

The belief that opponents of the Left are morally similar to Nazis was expressed recently by another prominent person of the Left, George Soros, the billionaire who bankrolls many leftist projects. At the World Economic Forum in Davos last month, Soros called on America to "de-Nazify" just as Germany did after the Holocaust and World War II. For Soros, America in Iraq is like the Nazis in Poland.

Of course, what would Soros know about the signs of encroaching distatorship? He was just in a Nazi concentration camp and a Soviet prison camp. It's not like he's on the front lines of terror the way brave heroes like Dennis Prager and Hugh Hewitt are.

Third, the equation of global warming denial to Holocaust denial trivializes Holocaust denial. If questioning global warming is on "a par" with questioning the Holocaust, how bad can questioning the Holocaust really be?

Well, of course! It's not that they want to point out that there's something pathological about denying things for which there is so much evidence. It's not that they want to alert us to an approaching environmental catastrophe that might well have far worse repercussions than the Holocaust; it's that they want to trivialize the death of millions! Even the ones who were their relatives! If they truly cared about the legions of Jewish dead, they would never complain about anything ever again. Shut up and don't worry, that's the ticket -- after all, it worked so well in Germany in the 1930s.

Just imagine if, for example, an equally prominent Christian figure had written that denying America is a Christian country is on a par with denying the Holocaust. It would have been front-page news in the mainstream media, the individual would have been excoriated by just about every major liberal individual and group, and the ADL would have cited this as an example of burgeoning Christian anti-Semitism and Holocaust trivialization.

Boy, it sure would have! Lucky for us this didn't happen, and that saying that America is a Christian nation isn't even remotely the same as saying that there's global warming!

Finally, the Ellen Goodman quote is only the beginning of what is already becoming one of the largest campaigns of vilification of decent people in history -- the global condemnation of anyone who questions global warming

Why...it's almost like a second Holocaust, the way these people are being treated!

It would not be surprising that soon, in Europe, global warming deniers will be treated as Holocaust deniers and prosecuted. Just watch. That is far more likely than the oceans rising by 20 feet. Or even 10. Or even three.

How likely is it that, 20 years from now, when the effects of global warming are even more apparent than they already are and global warming deniers, while not prosecuted, are widely mocked for their asinine beliefs, we all get to punch Dennis Prager right in the nuts? Not very.

Town Hall: A Trialogue

FRANK PASTORE: Contrary to what most of our columnists have been saying non-stop for the last five years, I believe that Islam is not the enemy.

DINESH D'SOUZA: I agree with you, Frank. In fact, it is obvious that