Clown Central Station

Pity the Poor Millionaire

2007-10-17T20:56:00.000-06:00

The Medfly: All hail our glorious corporate masters, who have ever done naught but shower us with the eternal blessings of heaven! If they have a failing, it is that they are simply too kind and decent for this wicked, wicked world.

If I was Michael Medved, I'm not sure if I would cite their manufacture of electronics that allow my columns to be widely read as one of the good things about corporations.

Life's little ironies, part XXVIII

2007-10-09T17:43:00.000-06:00

The Man from Fuddles:

I walked into the mall, produced the Flip Video camera, and was soon welcomed to the modern world by a nice security officer. He directed me to the office, where I was assigned a minder. This was a buzzkill, as you can imagine, so I wasn’t able to shoot as much as I wanted – didn’t want to drag her all over the place, and there’s always that why are you taking a picture of that? Vibe I get all. The. Time. I hate that.

Gee, Jimmy. Just imagine if you were Arab.

Oh, John, let's just love each other

2007-07-25T20:03:00.001-06:00

Someone at Butt Propulsion Laboratories never found out what "You don't want to know" means:

But it does prompt this thought: isn't it a bad thing for a political movement if its core members are, in large part, stark, raving mad? Wouldn't you expect people to notice, and react adversely? And if so, will this start to happen some time soon?

If y'all will excuse me, I'm off to submit this to the Encyclopedia of Platonic Ideals for use in their "Asking a question to which you might not like the answer" entry.

Hits from the Wrong

2007-07-10T20:01:00.000-06:00

1. Map presented that would look rather different if it went back oh, say, 150 years.

2. Privileged young woman criticizes political leader for getting expensive haircut while getting expensive haircut, pretends to read book.

3. Hugh Hewitt features image of man who couldn't be bothered to serve in US military Photoshopped into group shot with man who did serve and got shit on for it.

Plessy vs. Kissmyass

2007-06-28T20:28:00.000-06:00

The Bush Supreme Court's exciting new plan to end racial discrimination by allowing racial discrimination is just the beginning! Yes, with Brown v. Board of Education all but overturned, Alito and company will now turn their attention to other little mistakes that have slipped past the Constitutional gatekeepers due to activist judges of long ago. Here's what else we can look forward to!

Loving v. Virginia overturned: Court rules that anti-miscegenation statutes are no longer unconstitutional provided that at least a dozen neighbors testify that the couple is "tacky".

Gates v. Collier overturned: Reinstates racial segregation in prison, citing precedent of McDougal v. Weight Machines. Rules that black prisoners are violating the equal protection act by being stronger than Latino prisoners.

United States v. Virginia overturned: Court finds that "separate but equal" facilities are still unconstitutional, but "equal but separate" ones are okay.

Lawrence v. Texas overturned: Citation of Fourteenth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable invasion of privacy to eliminate laws against consensual homosexuality is struck down when Justice Scalia, in the majority opinion, writes "I never heard of any Fourteenth Amendment."

Roe v. Wade overturned: most restrictions on first-trimester abortions are still ruled unconstitutional, but a major exception is introduced, outlawing abortions where the woman in question is pregnant.

Washington v. Glucksberg upheld: Court rules that not only are laws against assisted suicide constitutional, they are "super-duper-constitutional" (Justice Roberts). Justice Alito declares that there is no Constitutional right to die, but there is an obligation to die.

Katzenbach v. McClung overturned: Court reasserts primacy of states' rights against the Civil Rights Act, ruling that interstate commerce regulation does not take precedent over the right of businesses to discriminate so long as the businesses are located in a state.

Miranda v. Arizona modified: Criminal suspects must still be advised of their rights, but those rights need not be communicated in spoken English. They may, for example, be explained to the suspect via written Sanskrit, interpretive dance, or telepathy.

Furman v. Georgia altered: Court seeks retroactive execution of all criminals given sentences of 20 years or more from 1967-1976.

Boy Scouts of America v. Dale expanded: Where previous ruling allowed that private organizations' right of expressive association allows them to expel members based on their sexual orientation, new language replaces "private organizations" with "everybody", "expel" with "stab in the neck", "members" with "fellow citizens", and "sexual orientation" with "swarthiness".

More Like Health UNfair!

2007-06-22T12:20:00.000-06:00

The Human Steyn has been posting a lot at the Corner, I guess to prove that he can say asinine things in whatever venue he finds himself. Here's his latest.

So let me just say that I think socialized health care is the single biggest factor in transforming the relationship of the individual to the state. In fact, once it's introduced it becomes very hard to have genuinely conservative government - certainly, not genuinely small government.

Lousy lunchpail-toting Johnny Wannalives. Back when the working classes had the good taste to contract dreadful diseases and perish quietly after churning out the next generation of lawn-tenders, people like me could have the non-tax-invasive governments we deserve! But ever since they caught this survival bug, they've added "basic medical care" to their list of absurd demands along with "safe workplaces" and "not being beaten with horsewhips". Bah!

In a public health care system, the doctors, nurses, janitors and administrators all need to be paid every Friday so the only point at which costs can be controlled is through the patient, by restricting access.

As opposed to in a private system, where everyone will work for free. You may think that this is the most incomprehensible thing that Steyn has to say in this post, but read on!

On the former point, the unloveliness of any British city after six in the evening - the dolly birds staggering around paralytic, the pools of "pavement pizza", the baying yobboes gagging for a shag and hurling bollards through the bus shelters to impress the crumpet - is a natural consequence of what happens when the state relieves the citizen of primal responsibilities.

Yes, before socialized medicine, there were to be found nowhere in England drunken women, vomit, loudmouthed young men on the prowl, or ruffians of any sort. In the days when you had to provide for your own health care -- say, the Victorian era -- you could travel from Penwith to Peterhead and never see such a sight. O, my England! That your pristine gentlemanly nature has been corrupted by kindness!

YOU'RE Not Real, Man!

2007-06-20T17:32:00.000-06:00

Remember how they used to say that President Reagan had a problem telling reality from fantasy?

Well...

The conservative jurist stuck up for Agent Bauer, arguing that fictional or not, federal agents require latitude in times of great crisis. "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said.

Yeah. See, though, that didn't happen. That was a television show.

"Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?" Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. "Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.

Well, he's got a point there. No jury in this country, or any other country, is ever going to convict Jack Bauer of anything. This was proven in State of Illinois vs. Little Bo Peep, 1957.

Scalia went on to say that, while he is in favor of allowing torture in order that Jack Bauer can continue to fight terrorism, he is against repealing existing anti-vigilante legislation no matter how much it would help Batman. He says he is undecided as to whether to allow Article 2 of the Constitution to be altered so that Pepe LePew could run for President.

Tom Hanks' Neo-Zhdanovite Adventure

2007-06-14T20:26:00.000-06:00

St. Paul at Fraters Libertas (one of the Northern Alliance muftis) brings us an exciting list of people we are no longer allowed to like because they had the temerity to donate money to Al Franken's campaign. Note especially the Alvin-Peplerish e-mail exchange at the end of the post, which manages to accomplish the unthinkable: it makes me feel sorry for Ben Stein.

Also, I cannot spell "atheist"

2007-06-12T06:33:00.000-06:00

The D'Souzaphone: In my next book, I totally demolish atheist arguments using super cool Jesus logic that no one before me has ever thought of and which surely cannot be refuted by a dull-witted college sophomore.

Help a blogger out

2007-06-08T07:38:00.000-06:00

I want to go to CPAC next year. I want to say something to Michelle Malkin that will make her tongue swell up. I want to get bets going on when Ann Coulter will say "faggot". I want to hear Fred Dalton Thompson talk about how he will personally execute Muslim extremists. I want to listen to a live Musclehead Revolution podcast. I want to describe to Ben Shapiro what sex is like. I basically want to liveblog the whole thing, and get drunk and rowdy with dumb-ass right-wing talking heads. And I want to do it on your dime.

Details of the exciting "SEND LEONARD TO CPAC 2007" project can be found here, and information about the exciting special premiums you will receive with your donation can be found here. If you just want to donate, click on the PayPal link below. We're already well on our way to meeting our goal of letting me mooch off you for a free hotel! GIVE GENEROUSLY! You won't regret it! Or, at least, I won't!

If the man in the moon were a Muslim-hatin' goon

2007-06-07T08:07:00.000-06:00

Mark Steyn: I miss the old days, when immigrants were so eager to assimilate that they wrote really racist songs.

And let me tell you how ELSE you screwed up!

2007-06-05T06:43:00.000-06:00

Oh, boy, this is going to be good! Big Boy Jammies is sponsoring a conference on the collapse of Europe. I can't wait to hear about how the dark people have ruined everything, and with seminar titles like "Are Muslims exploiting the democratic process to erode and destroy European democracy?" and "To what extent have Europeans Given Up on Their Own Civilization?", I'm sure I won't have to.

The conference, which is being held in Malibu, CA instead of Europe (presumably because Europe is already too collapsed), promises to be chock full of the sort of awesome intellectual rigor we have come to expect from Big Boy Jammies. Best of all, of the 28 featured speakers, a whopping 7 of them are actually from Europe! Wow, that's some super credibility! I'm sure that if liberals held a conference on the decline of America, and it was held on the French Riviera, and only a quarter of the speakers were Americans, Pajamas Media would cover it glowingly, but for now, I'll see you in Malibu!

Wise Words From Knox Pooley

2007-05-31T06:53:00.000-06:00

Fred Dalton Thompson: "What do you think America would do if Canadian soldiers were firing dozens of missiles every day into Buffalo, N.Y.? What do you think our response would be if Mexican troops for two years had launched daily rocket attacks on San Diego -- and bragged about it?"

Gee, Fred, I don't know! What do you think America would do if Canada occupied all of New England and killed thousands of Americans every year? What do you think our response would be if Mexican troops for 57 years had kicked San Diegans out of their homes, imprisoned them, put them in camps, denied them the ability to work or get an education, forbid them to vote, and subjected them to constant martial law -- and then told anyone who complained to get bent? Just asking.

What's new in Fuddles?

2007-05-29T10:12:00.000-06:00

Let's see:

- Jimbo is "mostly full of meat". He doesn't say what the other thing he's full of is, but I think we can guess.

- Jimbo gets a zinger over on Michael Moore; the filmmaker -- who have we mentioned is fat? -- wants to get rid of privatized health insurance, so Lileks says, oh yeah? How about we also get rid of completion bonds for motion pictures, smart guy? HO HO HO not so clever now are we. But you know what? I bet Moore would make that deal in a second.

- Jimbo once again (sort of) confronts the plague of rude teenagers that so harry our semi-urban areas. Lileks, who is to a tough guy what a squirt gun is to a Magnum, says that he knows he filled the young lout with anger and shame, because "I read him in a second". We can only hope that someday Jimbo does not have to read the writing on the knuckles of some hoodlum in even less time.

History, Schmistory!

2007-05-23T19:20:00.000-06:00

Over at Butt Propulsion Laboratories, Chuckles Hindraker endorses an approach to immigration similar to that of the founders on slavery. Which was, essentially, to whistle a wee jolly tune and say oh look there is not the foliage in our fair capitol radiant at this time of the year. It's an attitude that produced one of our most memorable presidents, plus of course it worked out super-well in the end.

Come on, guys. Three degrees from Dartmouth and one each from Harvard, Stanford and UMinn, and this is the best you can do?

Her point, and she does have one...oh, no, wait, she doesn't

2007-05-17T11:10:00.000-06:00

The Naughty Girl, with the kind of stunning Malkinacious point-missing that can only be rivalled by her utter hypocrisy, gives the AP what fer. Noting some of that legendary liberal media bias in a wire report claiming that the GOP candidates for president number very few women and no blacks among their advisors, Michelle hits back with a devastating one-two multimedia barrage, in which she decisively proves that the board of the Associated Press, which is not running for President, sports only four women and one black! Take that, mainstream media!

Selected readings from the crankocracy

2007-05-15T06:13:00.000-06:00

Butt Propulsion Laboratories: When conservatives say "support the troops", what we mean is, you know, help them win the war. Not actually support them or get them medical care or wimpy stuff like that.

Fuddles, MN: The world would be a much better place if it was just like Disneyland. Unless the government ran it, in which case it would be a dystopian nightmare.

Dean Dean the Ranting Machine: If only there were a candidate who could deftly speak of his love for Dale Earnhardt and George Strat! Now there would be a man eminently suited to lead our nation.

The Human Steyn: For some reason, Americans are not doing everything possible to support the war against Iraq or Terror or whatever it is we're supposed to be fighting.

Naughty Girl: ABC News totally ripped off a story that I did a year ago and passed it off as their own scoop! Of course, I do that all the time, but when we in the "New Media" do it, it's cute!

Get a Job

2007-05-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

Horror of horrors! The Man from Fuddles, who once hit the financial skids so hard when his wife was temporarily between high-paying corporate lawyer gigs that he was forced to dismiss the scullery maid who tended to his woodwork, has lost his job!

Well, okay, not really. What has actually happened is that Lileks, who is lucky enough to have had a cushy gig as a daily humor columnist in an age of belt-tightening for the newspaper business, has been told, basically, to shit (that is, do some actual work to justify your massive salary) or get off the pot (that is, find employment elsewhere). Is the Strib trying to get Jimbo to quit his job? Almost certainly, say people who have been in the same position; in a lean business, you have to do something to make the fattest employees earn their salaries. For most people, this would probably be a good thing -- after all, all Jimbo has to do is drop the folksy homilies and start cranking out the rag-bashing in quantity and he'll be on the Scaife gravy train for life. And it's not as if some horrible injustice has taken place; he wasn't censored, or fired for his ethnic origin, or accused unjustly of sexual harrassment, or framed for a crime he didn't commit. He's merely been shunted to a job he's too picky to do in an attempt to unload his massive salary. It happens to millions of people ever year, and you never hear boosters of our fabulous capitalist system say boo about it.

Except, of course, when it happens to one of their own. Horrified at the prospect of a fellow ideologue actually having to earn a living in a competitive job marked like the rest of the rabble, the Northern Alliance of Greater Wingnuttia has gone berserk, rallying around the fallen hero who has been tragically forced to do his job. Accusations of liberal treachery are all around; commands are being issued to Missourians and Californians to cancel their subscriptions to a newspaper based in Minnesota. As far as I know, no one has yet managed to detect the blood-soaked hand of al-Q'aeda in all of this, but over at Hooty Hoo's, there are serious accusations that the treacherous Jew Soros has conspired to buy off the free press so as to silence the brave voice of James Lileks. Without his massive salary, the terrorists will no longer have to fear the scanning of old postcards and the tut-tutting about insufficiently deferential Target clerks!

Would that all of us were lucky enough to have such friends in high places. More than once, that ol' invisible hand of the marketplace has pushed me out on the street and into the unemployment line, and never was Hugh Hewitt there to make sure I bounced back better than ever. Now that's what I call welfare! To Lileks' credit, he has the good grace to be ashamed of all this.

Well, almost.

I didn't even know vodka came in gum form

2007-05-05T06:11:00.000-06:00

What is censorship? Some would say that censorship is when a privately owned company, responding to complaints from its customers, disallows use of its services. Others would argue that's not censorship at all. And there are those, known throughout the far reaches of the internet for their shameless hypocrisy, who decry that sort of behavior one minute and then immediately turn right around and and praise it.

But we're not here to call Michelle Malkin a base, unprincipled charlatan. At least not right now. We're here to deliver on the most unique service this blog provides: word-for-word translations of the drunken ramblings of Pamela Geller Oshry Finkel Trump McChicken, proprietrix of the "Atlas Shrugs" blog. This is a service we provide because we believe it is necessary to expose as many people as possible to the vital insights of this important thinker, and there are those who find it difficult to understand what she is saying in her video blogs due to the high concentrations of Captain Morgan's and ladyfingers she must ingest thanks to her unique metabolism. This service – which no other website, even Crazy Pammy's, can offer – is more necessary than ever, due to a concentration of evil jihadi terrorists who have conspired to have her v-logs taken off YouTube, knowing that it is only the inebriated, disjointed gibberings of a Long Island housewife that stands between civilization and chaos. Let's see what dire fate Pam warns us against today in her most explosive flatulation yet!

[Pam stands in front of a mirror, looking a bit puffy and with some gin blossoms blooming around her cheeks, a sure sign of the loveliness of encroaching spring. She holds up a digital camera and begins to impart her wisdom upon us, only slightly blunted by the huge wad of chaw she seems to have in her mouth.]

Hey! I know what you're saying – what are you doing, Atlas? I'm doing a vlog and I got nobody to film it. So this is an experiment. Are we loving it? I am! Um…going…I'm backing away from the computer tonight. You got a beautiful open thread there, with ze French girl, yah. She's not wearing the char-dor, so you know she's retro. I'm backing away from the keyboard, because I can't take it anymore.

A stream of decontextualized photos of soldiers, imams, and destruction appears on the screen, followed by the caption "FLIPPING THE BIRD TO THE PRESS".

Oh, wait a minute. Did you love Hillary saying the war on terror is not a partisan issue?

A photo of Bill Clinton with an attractive woman appears on screen, to remind us that Bill Clinton cheated on his wife and therefore nothing he or anyone associated with him ever says should be believed.

The war on terror is not a partisan issue? You made it the complete partisan issue. Pulling outta Iraq, you made a partisan issue. Not fighting the jihad, you made a partisan issue. The mainstream media, your tool.

A photo of several news magazines, including the liberally biased MacWorld, appears on screen, followed by a picture of Rosie O'Donnell making a funny face.

Your propaganda tool, made it a propa…uh…a partisan issue. Your inability to say that A is A, that…your, uh, is, Islam in America, plotting the jihad, and we're not allowed to say it. We're not allowed to names, if it's a lone jihadi. We're not allowed to say it.

A photo of Cho Seung-Hui, who no one on the planet but Crazy Pammy thinks was a Muslim, appears on screen before we return to Pam herself, still chewing her cud.

Who made the war on terror a partisan issue? You made the war on terror a partisan issue. They are voting…Pelosi's meeting with Assad.

A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with Assad appears on screen, just as if it proved something

She wants to meet with Ahmadinahitler.

A photo of Holocaust victims appears on screen.

I'm gonna throw my head back tonight. I'm not gonna think about it! 'Cause you know what? I'm just giving you the blow-by-blow, ladies and gentlemen.

A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with, I dunno, Stalin or somebody appears on screen.

They're voting to withdraw to a, a specific date. Why don't you just hand the keys to the White House to Osama? Osama, who today said he was responsible for the bombing that, uh, almost knocked off Cheney? I can just see the lefty liberals, going "Yeah, yeah! Knock off our vice-president!" You dumb shits. Um…how could you not say you're not, um, on the side of terror? How could you not say you're, um, not on the side of the terrorists? You're rooting for Cheney's death. Just look at the PuffHo. Just look at all those posts on the Kos kids. You're rooting to destroy our leadership that we sent, duly elected…"No you didn't! He didn't really get, get in there! He wasn't dul…" Oh, shut up. He did so! He did! Now let's be honest, with all those registered illegals and those dead Democrats, who really is stealing elections? We won't go there, because the Republicans are so much better than that. So much stupider than that.

Um…they're firing rockets into Israel. Have you heard about that? Yeah, I didn't think so. I think…I would do this so you could see how I do a vlog. This is the machine, it's a Sony Shiber…CyberShot. Sony, I want some props! I want some checks! Yeah, send 'em my way! This does it all. This takes the pictures when I go to events, this records it, this does everything. Um, yeah, so there we are, watching the disintegration of the system…the American system…the greatest political system in the history of man; capitalism, the kindest, most humane system in the history of man; the Constitution, the greatest document ever written in the history of man; you're seeing it in your lifetime, ripped to shreds. Ripped to shreds. And do you remember those newsreels they used to show before WWII in the movie theatre, and they would show the marching Nazis and the goosestepping, and the people getting ready in Britain? Well, when they were…when they reflect back in a hundred years, if the jihad allows such technology or such in…you know, uh, when they're inside these little tunnels where they'll be sneaking, the war videos of our pre-war years will be Anna Nicole Smith, Scott Peterson, and, uh, whatever really tacky, tawdry crime of the day was. That's what we are, America.

So I'm outta here! Gonna put on…fix my lipstick, looking in a mirror as I do this vlog I see what I need to do – and, uh, I'll be back at it tomorrow. See ya.

The Constitution, whose fundamentals Pam often calls for ignoring when it is ideologically advantageous, appears on the screen.

Around the Corn

2007-05-04T09:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't been around much lately, because I have work to do that people pay me for and the ol' Scaife checks aren't rolling in like they used to when I made my living telling people that Hugo Chavez was a gay terror commie. I note with great interest that the Naughty Girl, in between noticing that political leaders sometimes visit foreign countries, has developed an entertaining conspiracy theory involving megapowerful global dictator Harry Reid's sinister attempt to silence the military, none of whom are able to contact the outside world except with blogs. The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler has jumped all over the utterly meaningless Akon non-controversy, and in doing so, becomes only the eighty millionth person in thirty years to make the high-larious observation that it's not RAP music, it's CRAP music! Professor Poopypants is so intrigued by second-rate Harry Turtledove fanfic that he will even forgive communism, and the Flower of Christian Womanhood asks if, maybe, possibly, since he hasn't been president for seven years and all, it might conceivably be time to stop blaming Bill Clinton for everything bad that ever happens. (She arrives at the answer "no".)

But most important of all, Baron Davis over at The Darkies Are Coming has finally announced that, for only a buck fifty American, you too can wear your prejudice, racism, and mindless fear RIGHT THERE ON THE FRONT OF YOUR HAT! Or whatever! Watch for his "I'm not too sure about black people, either", "~~White~~ Danish Pride 4 Ever", and "Homos make me feel icky and uncomfortable, and I'm okay with that" series, coming soon.

These Kids Today, Vol. 946

2007-05-01T06:18:00.000-06:00

We haven't checked in with the Man From Fuddles in a while, but you don't really have to read his column to know what's going on up there. If yesterday featured him bristling at the thought that Minnesota houses an ideological gasbag more capacious than himself, today must mean it's time for those damn dirty teenagers.

THESE KIDS TODAY:

A couple of students walked past, and I silently counted to see how long it would be take before someone deployed the Effenheimer, or the dreaded Mother Effenheimer. Three seconds. I’m not in favor of having nuns patrol with nail-studded two-by-fours, but on the other hand, I am. Or least some authority figure around which the Youts would feel compelled to display a civil tongue. I was talking with one of the neighbors at the bus stop; she’d been to the school last week, and one of the students hit on her.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN:

My child is not going there.

WHY WHEN I WAS A BOY:

It made me recall my own high school experience, of course; can't rub against a particle of modernity without scurrying back to Norman Rockwell-land, where I can safely shake my fist and make hooting bluster-monkey sounds. But. It was different, and it wasn't that long ago. We had a few ruffians, but they confined their anti-social behavior to smoking between classes, talking too loudly in the cafeteria, and slumping in the back row of English class and drawing skulls on their jeans. The idea that anyone would have shouted MOTHERFARKER in the hallways was unthinkable, and I suppose this makes me sound very old. But there’s no good reason we had to concede that particle of decorum.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I THINK:

I imagine that the school’s staff has bigger things to deal with, but I suspect that some of the larger issues of behavior could be made a tad more manageable by addressing the smaller issues. Just a thought from an amateur.

Yes, James. That would make it all better. Civility; propriety; a sternly enforced ban on cursing and problems like poverty, institutional dysfunction, violence, miseducation and bad parenting would all wither on the vine. We know. We know.

Tough Talk from Tintype Terrier

2007-04-25T09:24:00.000-06:00

The rumors that I have been slumming around at Sadly, No! are, happily, true. But that doesn't mean I'll leave you hanging here at CCS, oh no! The monkey gas station is up and running, thanks, and that means there's plenty of stupid to share with you and more than enough dumb to go around.

Let's take, for example, the case of the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Named for some variety of "white dog", this is an animal who revels in its own rabidity; but its most distinctive characteristic, which it shares with so many other right-winged birds, is its flabby, impotent passion for phony tough talk.

"Filed under: Verbal Bitch Slaps", says the liberal-chewing Chihuahua, congratulating himself because he knows no one else will do it. The internet is not usually thought of as a verbal medium, but why pick nits off a dog's fur when it's only going to bite you for your troubles?

The post is meant to be a rebuke to the idea that gun control will prevent gun violence, but it degenerates after the very first sentence into basement-borne RPG*-enthusiast machospeak:

Here’s something I’d like to tell you, even though it’ll probably make you wet your rubber sheets: If I were insane enough to want to kill you, I wouldn’t need a gun

MOMMY! THE INTERNET MAN IS SCARING ME! HE SAID HE COULD KILL ME WITH A SPORK AND A SUGAR PACKET BECAUSE OF HIS MAIL ORDER NINJA TRAINING

(even though I know for a fact, from personal experience, that I could get one no matter how many idiotic “gun control laws” you choose to enact)

He learned magic firearms acquisition skills in the same Marine Corps correspondence course where he learned to kill people using only his right thumb and a high-speed internet router.

I’m perfectly capable of murdering you with anything down to and including my own hands. It’s not all that hard, really, I can assure you of that.

Spoken like an actual murderer! Or a anonymous shitbag who reads too many Mack Bolan paperbacks.

The thing is, without gun control I don’t know if you have a gun to stop me from doing so. What that means is that everything I’ve ever learned about killing people can be canceled out by an 83-year-old grandma with a pistol. All she has to do is to point and pull the trigger, and everything I know about killing her, which is quite a lot, will be useless because I’ll be dead, and it doesn’t take much training and even less physical strength for her to do that.

Attitudes like this (it requires no training or strength to shoot a gun!) totally have nothing to do with the vast numbers of "accidental" gun deaths we have in America, but I do like how this sick puppy managed to work in yet another reference to how much he knows about killing people. He can't be bothered to follow through his own premises -- why would a psychotic murderer who can kill people in hundreds of ways be steered away from a victim just on the off chance that they might have a gun? -- but my guess is that he's actually 15 years old, so I'm probably holding him to far too high a standard.

Then again, that's, like 83 in dog years...

Ukrainiac

2007-04-24T06:49:00.000-06:00

Hello, legions of fans! Did you miss me? I know I missed myself!

Seattle was pantloads of fun, but I'm afraid four days of exposure to hardcore music geekery left me somewhat out of the loop, current-events-wise. I did take a few moments to discover that Crazy Pammy at Atlas Shrugs deletes comments she can't think of a good response to, but beyond that, I have only word-of-mouth about what America's crazy-thinkers have been up to the last week or so. My understanding is that a lot of people said a lot of stupid things about a lot of dead people, resulting in a lot of self-serving, hypocritical nonsense.

But hey, that's in the PAST, man! VA Tech is OVER and except for lumping Koreans in with Iranians, Arabs and any Negroes not wearing a t-shirt as "People We Should Be Concerned About Having to Sit Next To", nothing has changed, or needs to change. Let's focus on the NOW. And NOW, we're...uh...still thinking up crazy crap to say about the VA Tech massacre! Yes, over at Big Boy Jammies, everyone's favorite ~~raving paranoid~~ post-Soviet graphic designer, Oleg Atabatshit (who previously wrote that picking John as your favorite Beatle over Paul was the reason for the decline of Western civilization), posts that the blame for the worst shooting spree in American history can be laid squarely at the feet of our old enemies: progressive liberalism, Che Guevara, and, uh, oh, let's say Michael Moore.

Look, Oleg, I was a punk rocker: I know what it's like to hate hippies. But come on, man, we've got bigger fish to fry these days. And implying that any attempt to address poverty will inevitably lead to widespread homicidal sprees makes you sound like an even dumber version of Ayn Rand. I realize you guys are having a grand old time trying to think up a reason to blame this mindless act on everything you've ever hated (I mean, come on, fellas -- we're a week out and no Bill Clinton connection yet?), but isn't there a war on or something?

Hi! Ate us!

2007-04-16T06:28:00.000-06:00

The King of Clowns is going on a temporary hiatus. Those of you who live in the Seattle area might wish to attend the EMP Pop Conference this year, where I will be delivering a talk on two of my longtime obsessions, the Wu-Tang Clan and comic books. Details can be found here. I hope to resume regular coverage next week, and I'll update while there if at all possible.

Meanwhile, I leave you with a classic from a classic by the man from Fuddles, in which he:

- admonishes yet another incompetent sales clerk
- rattles on about his water installantion
- places another meaningless doohickey on his website
- complains about the poor selection at the crap chain stores at which he shops
- displays shock-horror at the fact that his daughter manifests possible awareness of a terror attack, despite the fact that he has spent the last six years writing fearful nonsense about how we must always be afraid of a city-obliterating Mahometan terror attack

Enjoy, and we'll see you soon!

Naughty Girl: MUSLIMS NEGROES MUSLIMS

2007-04-13T07:08:00.000-06:00

(Thanks for tuning in to Mrs. Mortimer Week! We'll return to our regular programming formate on Monday.)

"Do you see the little narrow gallery outside the minaret? There is a man standing there. He is calling people to say their prayers. He calls so loud that all the people below will hear, and the sounds he utters are like sweet music. But would it not make you sad to hear them when you remembered what he was telling people to do? To pray to the God of Mahomet. Not to the God and Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, but to a FALSE god: to NO god. When the Christians began to worship images, the fierce Turks came and turned the churches into mosques. This was the punishment God sent the Christians for breaking His law. How dreadful it would be if our churches should ever be turned into mosques! May God never send us this heavy punishment!"

Peter Robinson: There should be MORE movies that portray communists as relentlessly, irredeemably evil

2007-04-13T07:00:00.000-06:00

"The ladies are very industruous, and wherever they go, they take their knitting. The number of stockings they make would surprise you. How much better to knit than to smoke! Can they do nothing but knit? Yes, they can play on the piano, and the harp, and sing very sweetly. But they are not fond of reading useful books. When they read, it is novels about people who never lived. It would be better to read nothing than such books."

Cal Thomas: I see no problem with Town Hall giving free PR to terrorist leaders

2007-04-13T06:18:00.000-06:00

"The Irish say they are Christians, yet most of them will not read the Bible. Is not that strange? The religion they teach is caled the Roman Catholic religion. It is a kind of Christian religion, but it is a very bad kind."

In your fat beds with your multiple sexual lovers

2007-04-10T19:05:00.000-06:00

We're taking a momentary break from Mrs. Mortimer Week to transcribe the latest video blog by Pamela "Atlas Shrugs" Oshry Geller Feldstein Bialystock Bolton, Long Island's craziest drunk according to a recent survey by Franzia Wine-in-a-Box Corporation. We are, as ever, the only blog that provides this gut-wrenching service. This week, instead of hogging the bathroom at a party, Pammy instead dismays everyone at a Dunkin Donuts by publicly yammering about her daughter's cervix. Read on, and learn all about the sinister liberal conspiracy to turn our children into sluts by keeping them from getting cancer.

Pammy gone wild

[TITLE CARD: "COFFEE TIME"]

Coffee time*! [Laughs] Okay, so it's post-lunch, we've been shopping, got the girls some stuff for the bat mitzvah, so why am I chattin' on you now? Interesting subject came up over lunch, which was, the mandatory vaccination against cervical cancer. Which I'm totally against, by the way – as a parent, I make those choices. Secondly, why this vaccine? Why now? Because girls tend to be, have multiple sexual lovers? And they need it because their, your increased multiple sexual lovers increases your chances of cervical cancer? This is…this is more of a left-tarded indoctrination. (A), we should be teaching that a girl doesn't give it away. Doesn't give it away! Unless it's love! (B), it's, it…someone validating that multiple sexual lovers is a good thing.

[TITLE CARD: "Cervical Cancer Is not even an INFECTIOUS disease."**]

You're validating that, are you not? You're validating sexual lovers, uh, many sexual lovers is a good thing, and that…not…yeah, that it's an okay thing. What…well, we'll give you a vaccine to stop you from getting cancer. Why this disease? Why now? And another thing I want to ask you. This…in my generation, the sexually liberated generation [snaps fingers and does go-go dance] where you fucked everybody, no AIDS, no nothing. Not me, the proverbial me. Because I didn't, trust me. Um, my question is, so all these women at school, everybody in town, what's the incidence of cervical cancer at now? One in one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, what?*** Is this in reason that we have to mandate every young girl to get a vaccine against cervical cancer? I'm totally against this. I don't know why this disease, why now. Part of the left-wing indoctrination. It's wrong, and that's why I'm coming to you live from the Big D's, Dunkin Donuts.

[TITLE CARD: "later that day"]

So now you have a few of the folks say 'But the Republicans went to Syria! The Republicans were there!' First of all, what Republicans? Who were they? What nameless faces were they?**** They were not the most powerful woman in the world. 'I am the most powerful woman in the world!' Remember that? 'I am the most powerful woman in the world.' And if I go to Syria – who's gonna give a rat's ass if I go to Syria? Let's be honest, okay? Um…look how they copy our, 'but the Republicans did it! Waaaah!' They can't even stand up f…can't even stand up for what they do. Can't even stand up for their own positions. So now you have Nancy Peloopsi in Syria, you have Sestak last night at the CAIR fundraiser, raising money for CAIR. Raising money for a front for terror. This is the Democratic Party. Can I ask you something? Why do we…I…'We have to engage, we have to engage with the terrorists!' Did we engage with the Nazis? And how come they're not engaging with George Bush? How come they're not…

[TITLE CARD: "Would the dhimmicrats 'engage' with the Nazis too?"]

What is George Bush guilty of, trying to keep us free? What is George Bush guilty of, trying to institute the tr…the Bush Doctrine? Trying to free a part of the world that has been living in totalitarian regimes for centuries? What is he guilty of, trying to keep the American people safe? Which, by the way, I have to say, since his election…since 9/11, he's done an outstanding job. Outstanding, my friends. That's why you're all so complacent, and you're feeling so good in your fat beds, in your feather beds with your ducks and, uh, p…p….p…mattresses! You don't even know you're at war. They're plotting and champing and chopping with their bombs and their small bombs and big bombs and polonium-210 and they're smuggling it in, and the guy died, the guy died from a $15 million dose.

[TITLE CARD: "Alexander Litvinenko"]

That wasn't an assassination attempt by Putin. Why spend fifteen to thirty million dollars on one tiny granule of polonium-210 when a bullet costs you a nickel? They were smuggling that stuff! [sings] Good morning, America, how are you?' Anyway, I'm down south with my kids, it's Spring Break, whoo whoo! Let's all dance!

[TITLE CARD: "yeah bababy"]

And I'm having a blast. I can't watch the news. You know I went from, when I started this blog I went from…it's the unreported news, I have to get the truth to the people, they have to see what's really going on, the, they…the mainstream media has abdicated its role as public servant to the, disseminating the information. I've gone from that to feeling like, frankly, I'm giving you the blow-by-blow. I'm giving you the play-by-play on the road to Armageddon. Jackie, you ready for lunch?

[Off-screen voice: "Yep."

Okay! We're going for American lunch! No problems! Don't worry, be happy! Don't worry, be happy! Nancy Pelosi's in Syria, it's all good! See ya.

"I will destroy you!"

BONUS SPECIAL EXTRA DRUNK PAMMY V-BLOG!

[TITLE CARD: "How the Left promotes Teenage Promiscuity – Pamela – AtlasShrugs.com"]

Okay, the reason I was so upset about that vaccine, uh, for cervical cancer is because first of all, they want to give it to, uh, middle-school students. Nine-year-olds, ten-year-olds, eleven-year-olds. I'm in Florida and they're talking about making it law now. [Points to her daughter] Could you see this one with a cervical cancer vaccine*****? I'm…I mean, seriously, okay? And I say, why this…I say, why this disease, why now? Why this disease? It's not infectious. It's not typhoid, right******? Oh, she's putting on a happy face now. Okay, so earlier, I went to the store, and this guy comes up to me, and he's all like, do I know you? Ha ha ha ha. I said, New, New York? He goes, no. I say, you get any news on the net? He says, Atlas Shrugs, right? Right? Yeah, baby! Oh, oh, uhn uh uh. Okay. So anyway, on that note, um, oh! Oh! Uh, who, who, who's with me on arresting Pelosi? On, on the Logan Act? Who's with me?

[Pam's daughters, off-screen: "Me! Me! Me!"]

Okay, I got my posse with me. I got my posse, and we're gonna arrest Pelosi, and, and that other one! What was that, with the nostrils? Who's Nostril Boy?

[TITLE CARD: I don't know what the hell this thing is.]

We need some names. Nostril Boy…Waxman. Henry Waxman. Yes. And who are you? Meeting with the Muslim Brotherhood? The Muslim Brotherhood is their…oh, rrrrrrrrrrr, my ride is here, I gotta go. The Muslim Brotherhood is…okay, stop it, I'm coming. The Muslim Brotherhood are….[next sentence rendered blissfully inaudible by passing motorcycles] It's all very distressing, and, uh, okay, take your, uh, you know, I think it's too dark now. I love you.

[TITLE CARD: "WHAT WAS SAN FRAN NAN DOING IN SYRIA?" Judging from the incomprehensible image, she was being anally violated by a young Prince Charles.]

*: Actually, "cwawfee towime", but you get the picture.

**: I don't suppose it's even necessary at this point to mention that Crazy Pammy doesn't know what she's talking about.

***: One in 30,000, actually, with over four thousand fatalities a year in the United States. Much higher than your risk of death by Islamofascism!

****: Among others, Arlen Specter (R-PA), Darrell Issa (R-CA), Frank Wolf (R-VA), Bob Aderholt (R-AL), , and David Hobson (R-OH), who was actually with Pelosi on her trip. Jeez, Pam, when you sober up, ask someone what Google is.

*****: Could you see this one with a fatal case of cervical cancer because her mother was a crazy drunk who refused to let her get vaccinated to avoid left-wing indoctrination?

******: From 1996-1999, over 15,000 American women died of cervical cancer. During the same period, one person died of typhoid. Typhoid, by the way, was almost entirely eliminated in the West due to a government program to vaccinate children against it.

Dennis Prager: I weep for the lost greatness of Blighty

2007-04-10T06:12:00.000-06:00

"What country do you love best? Your own country. I know you do. What is the character of the English? They are not very pleasant in company, because they do not like strangers, nor taking much trouble. They like best being at home, and this is right. They are too fond of money, as well as of good eating and drinking. They are often in low spirits, and are apt to grumble, and to wish they were richer than they are, and to speak against the rulers of the land. Yet they might be the happiest people in the world, for there is no country in which there are so many Bibles."

Powerline: Widespread Racial Discrimination Has Nothing to Do with Race

2007-04-10T06:06:00.000-06:00

"There is much to make the traveller sad as he wanders about the Holy Land. That land was once fruitful, but now it is barren. It is not surprising that no one plants and sows in the fields, because the Turks would take away the harvest. Once it was a peaceful land, but now there are so many enemies that every man carries a gun to defend himself. Once it was a holy land, but now Mahomet is honored, and not the God of Israel. When shall it again be fruitful, and peaceful, and holy? When the Jews shall repent of their sins and turn to the Lord."

Big Boy Jammies: Reds in Tehran Paperwork Shocker

2007-04-10T05:59:00.000-06:00

"By now you must have found out the character of the Russians. The rich people are unjust, and often do not pay their debts; they are fond of feasts and company, but they care little for their servants and poor neighbors. The poor people are civil, but sly, and dishonest, idle, and fond of drinking. The Russians are generally not to be trusted."

Michael Barone: They hate us because of our freedoms

2007-04-09T06:55:00.000-06:00

"And what sort of people are the Arabs? Wild and fierce people. Travellers are afraid of passing through Arabia, lest the Arabs should rob and murder them; and no one has ever been able to conquer the Arabs. The Arabs are very proud, and will not bear the least affront. The Arabs are so unforgiving and revengeful that they will seek to kill a man year after year."

Note: I'll have a transcript of Crazy Pammy's latest vlog-spew up tonight or tomorrow.

Prof. Poopypants: Appalling, if true

2007-04-09T06:35:00.002-06:00

"In Babylon no sound is heard but the howling of wild beasts; in Bagdad men may be heard screaming and hallooing from morning to night. The drivers of the camels and mules shout as they press through the narrow, crooked streets, and even the ladies riding on white donkeys, and attended by black slaves, scream and holla."

VDH: We Have Always Been At War With Eurasia

2007-04-09T06:12:00.000-06:00

This week, Clown Central Station will feature links to our favorite right-wing blowhardery behind tags featuring quotes from the late Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer. Mrs. Mortimer, whose delightful combination of high-handed piety, condescension and ignorant cultural slander educated several generations of imperialists, has proved a lasting influence on the neoconservative warblogger of today. Please enjoy Mrs. Mortimer Week here at CCS.

"The Persians are very deceitful. An old Persian was heard to say, 'We all tell lies whenever we can.' The Persians are not even ashamed when their falsehoods are found out. When they sell they ask too much; when they make promises they break them. In short, it is impossible to trust a Persian."

2007-04-06T07:15:00.000-06:00

So, I have written before about how the warbloggers seem to think of Muslims less as evil or misguided humans (like, say, the Nazis) than they do as infectious subhuman monsters (like, say, zombies), and appear to maintain the belief that any positive reference to them, any toleration of their existence within our society, any physical contact with them will cause you to become overwhelmed by the Dhimmi Contagion, and soon you will be eating brains, throwing your daughter on a pyre, and disallowing the consumption of pork in taxicabs.

We already know that if you are kidnapped by Islamic terrorists, and upon your release, you do not immediately vilify them as demons in human shape who raped you repeatedly and tried to eat your foot, the Keyboard Kommandoes will tear into you like the last slice of pizza, accusing you of being a lunatic, a terror sympathizer, and a dirty, dirty slut.

We also already know that if you are a U.S. official and you visit an "enemy" nation while wearing a hijab, the Keyboard Kommandoes will go predictably apeshit and accuse you of being a tool of global jihadiism. (If anyone points out what a non-issue this is, they will quickly change the subject and say it was really about something else, even if that something else proves to be equally full of shit.

We further know that if British sailors follow orders like any good member of the military is trained to do, the Keyboard Kommandoes will relinquish their long-vaunted support of the troops and start calling these brave military men cowards and traitors who should be imprisoned or at the very least horsewhipped and hung.

But have we really sunk so far that there are actually creeping couch-stains who will attack sailors and marines -- professional fighting men who sacrifice all for their country so that these bloviating shitbags can sit at home and surf porn -- for the Orwellian thoughtcrime of smiling upon their release from capture, thus displaying their lack of grim hatred of the Mahometan devil and their determination to boot his face whenever the opportunity arises? Are there in this great nation of ours people so intellectually and emotionaly degraded that they actually believe that allowing an expression of happiness to cross your face at the news you will soon be reunited with your loved ones is a serious sign of treachery and villainy, when you should be frowning at your inability to throw your life away for no reason resisting a country you aren't even at war with?

Yes. Yes, there are.

Make them fight, mommy, make them fight!

2007-04-04T18:04:00.000-06:00

John Derbyshire doesn't hang around on the Corner as much as the rest of the gang, because he knew Bruce Lee and also Kathryn Jean Lopez is totally old and has droopy knockers. However, every once in a while, he will show up to register his outrage at some particularly egregious offense to his sensibilities -- a woman over age 14 will show her breasts, for example, or someone will suggest that rapists are not driven into frenzies of sexual madness by belly shirts and sweatpants with "SASSY" written on the butt.

Today, he learned that some Marines from his beloved Blighty are being returned to Mother England -- not to be horsewhipped and tossed in the gaol until the sun sets on the British Empire, but to the joy and relief of their countrymen! Rather than celebrating the release of his fellow men -- acheived at the cost of no bloodshed -- the Derb -- who apparently didn't get the memo that if you ever criticize our men and women in uniform, you are a vile subhuman traitor -- is flipping out, calling the Marines "wimps" who displayed "cowardice" and should be court-martialed and given dishonorable discharges after a lengthy prison stay, if not actually executed: "I wouldn't shed a tear if some worse fate befell them."

The Derb, you see, believes that all soldiers should behave like G.I. Joe dolls -- that their first and only option confronted with any situation should be to unleash the fucking fury, and whip out their assault rifles, running up and down the picnic table going "Ackackackackack! Pew! Pew! KABOOOOOM" until all the other action figures are laying face down. It does not seem to have occurred to him that, when detained by Iranian forces, they might have actually been ordered by their commanding officers not to open fire on the representatives of a nation with which they were not at war. It does not seem to have crossed his mind that they would have looked to their superiors for instructions on how to behave, as every military man is trained to do. It does not appear to be in his universe of knowledge that the training manuals for soldiers in every country on earth do not read, on every page, for every situation, "KILL KILL KILL". It appears to have escaped his notice entirely that the British sailors were quite sensibly told by their commanders something along the lines of "Say, lads, rather than touching off an international incident for no good reason, what say we hang back and see what the top men have to say?", just as any soldiers, sailors, airmen, or marines in any other country might do in the same situation. Lacking this somewhat obvious knowledge -- that the armed forces of a nation are trained military operatives who exist as part of an organized command structure and are not, in fact, Viking berserkers -- he goes on to make a lot of statements that are, to put it mildly, asinine:

It is the job of a Royal Marine to fight, and if necessary suffer and die, for his country. They know that when they go in. It's what they are told!

Indeed it is, and that argument would be applicable if they were captured, say, during the course of a naval assault upon an enemy nation in which their commanders ordered them not to surrender. Unfortunately, none of the words in that clause even remotely applied here, so the whole statement is totally irrelevent. Next?

I nurse a quiet hope that if put to the test, I would stand up as well as any Marine. Whether or not I would, however, is irrelevant. Whether or not I could stand up well to torture, I expect Marines to.

The Derb can't resist a chance to imply that he, a doughy 62-year-old math nerd, is very possibly tougher than a Royal Marine. Again unfortunately for his argument, there is no evidence that the sailors were tortured, so this argument is also irrelevant and merely serves as an example of this impotent stooge playing big-dick.

The girl sailor had that headscarf on within hours. From what I've heard of torture, even weaker cases can hold out for a few days.

What the Derb has heard of torture could fill a thimble and still have enough space for what he knows of everything else. Everyone from professional interrogators to 24 says that everyone breaks under torture, and even "mild" tortures like waterboarding cause CIA spooks and U.S. Marines to beg for mercy after an average of 20 seconds. But again, since no torture took place, this is just an irrelevancy introduced by Derbyshire to paint the troops he and his Keyboard Kommandoes always claim to admire and honor as chickenshit -- and dig the barely disguised misogyny, as the chides the "girl sailor" for failing to withstand the imaginary torture for even as long as "weaker cases"!

In any case, a trained soldier will have been instructed that these Iranian fanatics are without any scruples.

Really? Is that in the standard-issue handbooks for British sailors? Is it right after the part about how to tie a sheepshank? "SECTION 1.4.3.7.A: PROPER DISPOSAL OF DRAINED OIL CANNISTERS; SECTION 1.4.3.7.B: HOW IRANIAN FANATICS ARE WITHOUT ANY SCRUPLES."

It should be assumed that everything the Iranians say is a lie. If they say: "Do this, and we won't harm your mates," and you do it, they will harm your mates anyway. Of course, this kind of truth is much harder to get across to young people who have been brainwashed from elementary school to believe that their own culture is corrupt, evil, and false, while the cultures of Third World barbarians are morally superior...

The fact that the sailors were certainly acting on -- or at least waiting for -- orders from their superiors, again, does not seem to have occurred to the Derb. So he constructs an imaginary world where the Iranians are like the sneering, buck-toothed "NO MORE SERGEANT!" Chinaman of a Jack Webb propaganda film, and the Brits are sniveling, weak-willed Neville Chamberlain types, softened up by multiculturalism and university postmodernism. In Derbworld, the soldiers are made of plastic, the rules of engagement are written on clouds of gossamer, and all claims of supporting the troops are inscribed on a big stinking British turd.

Once again, reality surpasses my ability to make things up

2007-04-04T07:06:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, our beloved dingbats of the right will try to convince us all to hide under our desks from the evil of Islam based on the raging anti-Semitism to be found in Arab lands. Why, say the darkie-dashers, in some of these countries, the blood libel is leveled against Jews just as if it weren't total nonsense!

Luckily, that sort of nonsense never takes place here in the west, where we are entirely too rational and free of prejudice to fall for such nonsense.

(Thanks, as I say all too often around here, to Sadly, No!.)

He's been cheated, been mistreated. When will Glenn be loved?

2007-04-03T12:05:00.000-06:00

Glenn Beck opines over the lonely life of a conservative white Christian male in America. Isolated, disenfranchised, oppressed, with no one to speak for him and no place to call his own, Glenn must somehow scrape by with only his millions of dollars, his nationally syndicated newspaper column, his popular television show, and his legions of fans.

How well he remembers -- but with such bitter bile in his throat! -- that brief and shining moment a couple of months ago, where people like him controlled big business, the culture industry, sports, entertainment, organized religion, law enforcement, the professions, academia, and all three of the branches of government. But then came the Great Disaster of '06, and now, conservative white Christian males just control two branches of government, plus all that other stuff. When will the suffering end? When will justice be done for his people? When, oh Lord, when?

Has the world gone topsy-turvy?

2007-04-03T07:14:00.000-06:00

Bill Murchison, in the latest of his approximately sixty billion articles about how commie hippie liberals always blame America for everything, boggles at the illogic of the Left:

Pretty much everything gets a least a test run these days, including the claim that the United States, which fought a war to free the slaves, is the most racist nation on earth.

Uh...would those be the slaves of FRANCE we fought a war to free, Bill? Or the slaves of GERMANY? Were those slaves, vast in number, and flowing constantly since before the writing of the Declaration of Independence, suffering under the yoke of cruel RUSSIAN masters? I dropped out of college, so I may have missed the details. Please enlighten us, do.

Blits and blobs

2007-04-03T06:49:00.000-06:00

Victor Davis Hanson: I am no longer capable of writing anything that does not make reference to 300.

Jules Crittendon: If only we were brave enough to ignore Congress, we could be in an awesome war with Iran by now.

Dave Hinz: Sure, President Bush's policies may result in hundreds of thousands of dead people, millions in poverty, and millions more without health care or decent educations, but he is really a compassionate man, because he helped an old guy to his chair in front of cameras.

Jennifer Roback Morse: All that remains of feminism is a willingness to murder babies and falsely accuse men of rape.

Charles Johnson: Reporting the news is anti-American treachery.

Baron Bodissey: Lest you think we're only afraid of being wiped out by the vile Mahometans, we're also terrified of genocidal Mexicans.

Glenn Reynolds: My brother's rock combo recorded a chili commercial!

They hate us for our freedom to go walkies

2007-04-02T10:17:00.000-06:00

Despite copious and publicly available evidence that the dangerous ingredient in the current tainted pet food recall comes from China, Crazy Pammy has decided that it's all the fault of Muslims. Surprise, surprise.

By what bizarre stretch of the imagination can she make this utterly baseless claim? Well, you see, the source of some of the tainted pet food was...Mississauga, Ontario! And last year, there were a bunch of alleged terror suspects also captured in...Mississagua, Ontario! DUNH DUNH DUNH

There you have it, folks. That's her logic. Because, in this major suburb of Toronto with 800,000 people, a few Muslims have been suspected of planning terror attacks, it is now "TERROR CENTRAL", and so, since one company that made itis also based there, the tainted pet food, even though the tainted ingredient came from China, MUST BE PART OF A VILE MAHOMETAN PLOT TO MURDER OUR PETS!

I honestly don't know what to think about this. If Crazy Pammy actually believes this, she may have displaced David Horowitz, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly as the stupidest person in America. And if she doesn't, how dumb does she think WE are?

Discover the nut's work

2007-04-02T06:01:00.000-06:00

There are conservative pundits, and then there are conservative pundits. There are the oblivious, and then there are the truly delusional. There are schmucks, and then there are giant flaming uncleansed assholes. There is the rest of the world…and there is David Horowitz.

If I were paid for this blog based on the total number of completely asinine things said in the articles I link, this piece alone would buy me a luxurious home in the Hollywood Hills, or possibly my own private island. Unfortunately, I don't get paid for this blog at all, so reading it only makes me stupider than I was before I started. While attacking one of our favorite "obscure blogs", the Dumbest Man in America does it like only he can. Only he possesses the level of pure, base-metal-to-gold shamelessness that distinguishes him from the rest of the half-wits of the punditocracy. It's really something to behold, on the level of watching Captain Queeg ranting and raving about his missing strawberries.

In the course of establishing that leftists portray their political opponents as wicked demons in human shape, Horowitz accuses leftists of being demons in human shape, "religious fanatics who believe they are going to change the world". While conservatives are "far too generous" and always willing to correct their mistakes, liberals "look on their political opponents as evil" and "think nothing of smearing and defaming them" in order to "eliminate them from any argument".

He goes on to say that George Soros' Campus Progress organization has a section "devoted to defamations of conservative speakers", and solemnly notes that "there is nothing comparable to this garbage on the conservative side of the spectrum". It's at this point that I blacked out from the sheer blinkered hypocrisy of it all, and was unable to read the rest of the article, where he calls Sacco & Vanzetti "justly executed terrorists".

Let me know how that turned out, won't you?

We Hate He

2007-03-30T06:33:00.000-06:00

Well, that oughtta about do it for Jonah.

God still undefeated in minds of fans

2007-03-29T05:56:00.000-06:00

Dennis Prager used as floor mop in debate with Sam Harris; declares victory.

This thing is pretty hilarious. I long ago stopped debating religion with people despite my hardcore atheism, because there's no percentage in it and the two sides are rarely even arguing the same question (which is evident in abundance in the article above), but Prager is the perfect punching bag this time around: he completely fails to respond to any substantial point made by Harris, exhumes the old "arrogant disbeliever" trope again and again, and makes a fool of himself to anyone who's paying attention.

At some point, Prager makes this ridiculous wager:

I bet you whatever sum we each can afford that the vast majority of murderers and rapists in this country were not religiously active during the time they committed their violent crimes. I would make a second bet that you won’t take that bet.

Harris rightly jumps all over this, saying that if you define "religiously active" as "believing in God and the basic tenets of the fath", he'd take this bet in a second and win -- as would I, and Dennis can afford a lot more than I can. Since a very substantial majority of Americans self-identify as Christian (and a tiny minority as atheist), it's a sure thing that a majority of any given subset of Americans -- say, murderers and rapists -- are also Christian. Even leaving aside the stupendous implication that without belief in the Jewish sky-god, you are far more likely to be a murdering rapist (so, then, what accounts for the lower rate of murder and rape in Japan?), this bet betrays a total ignorance of statistics and demographics.

Then there's this gem of false certainty. Dennis:

You are right that this moral clarity and courage among the predominantly religious does not prove the existence of the biblical God. Nothing can prove God’s existence. But it sure is a powerful argument. If society cannot survive without x, there is a good chance x exists.

Let's ignore the fact that all sorts of things could prove God's existence in a heartbeat, if he really existed and wasn't determined to stay as invisible as D.B. Cooper. Let's instead focus, as Sam Harris does, on the utterly botched syllogism. Harris:

No, Dennis, this moral clarity is not a “powerful argument,” or even an argument at all; please keep your x’s straight. If humanity can’t survive without a belief in God, this would only mean that a belief in God exists. It wouldn’t, even remotely, suggest that God exists.

Finally running out of ideas, Dennis resorts to yakking up his 'Jews and Christians invented every good thing that humanity has ever done' argument even though it is patent nonsense. I mean, just look at this:

Suffice it to that Judeo-Christian values alone gave humanity the notion of the sacredness of human life

No. That would be the Greeks.

linear history and therefore the idea of moral and scientific progress

No. Greeks again.

universal standards of good and evil

This is nonsense on many, many levels. Does he mean "universally applicable"? If so, why doesn't everyone adopt them? Or does he mean the Christians/Jews were the first people to come up with standards they believed should be universally applied? If so, that's obviously not true.

the scientific method

Which, of course, allowed many of them to reject Christianity.

the development of democracy

Nope. Greeks.

the greatest music ever composed and the greatest art ever drawn

Well! Nothing to argue against there.

the greatest experiment in non-ethnicity-based society (America)

Even if you argue that the founding of America had nothing to do with ethnos (a contention some black people and Indians might want to explore a bit more thoroughly), many of the Founding Fathers remain obnoxiously non-Christian.

equality of the sexes

Oh, we have equality of the sexes now?

Dennis is utterly full of shit here, deliberately conflating Westerners -- that is, products of a more or less Judeo-Christian society -- with actual believing, faithful Jews and Christians. He knows full well that the progressive developments that he cites like democracy, scientific method, feminism, plurality, etc., all tend to come from nonreligious Westerners who, while raised in Judeo-Christian cultures, are the ones who bristle most against religious teaching. And he also knows full well that in those parts of society where Judeo-Christian belief is strongest, things like women's rights, democracy, plurality and respect for science are at their lowest. Knowing these things but acting as if he doesn't makes him what? That's right: a liar. And lying is what? That's right: a sin. For which he will burn in Hell for all eternity, unless I'm right and there is no God. So there's something atheism can take credit for: saving Dennis Prager's lying ass.

Talk is cheap...

2007-03-28T06:21:00.000-06:00

...and tough talk is the cheapest of all. That's why the Naughty Girl has it in such vast quantities: it doesn't cost her anything.

A key element of phony tough-talk is standing fiercely against paper tigers: either loudly opposing things that everyone already hates ("I am AGAINST child molestation in ALL ITS FORMS!") or taking a brave stance against things that aren't actually happening ("I will do everything in my power to prevent Hugo Chavez from invading the United States!"). That way, you get to pat yourself on the back for being a real bad-ass straight-talker while incurring no risk whatsoever, as opposed to, for example, joining the Army or hooking up with Doctors without Borders.

Having fiercely defended the Vietnam Memorial against the nonexistent threat of being defaced by rampaging legions of hippies, Michelle now turns her fierce warrior-woman instincts towards the kind of evil Muslim scumbags who might sue you for racial profiling. Because, really, the true victims here aren't the clerics, who were arrested, detained, and forced to miss their flight even though they didn't do anything wrong: it's the innocent freedom-loving Americans who patriotically flipped out when crazy mixed-up Muslims prayed in a menacing fashion. Sure, the Muslims were also Americans, and they were exercising their freedom, but they didn't do it in an acceptable way, like buying a venti double macchiato or lecturing strangers about their bad parenting: they did it in a scary foreign way, by worshiping a scary brown god.

Anytime anyone uses the word "manifesto", you just know there's a big smelly cloud of flatulence floating in the air just ahead, and Michelle Malkin loaded up on red beans and rice before writing this so we wouldn't be disappointed. There's just so many things to love about the John Doe Manifesto:

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

Well, that about covers all of them, doesn't it?

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

I am in your base, killing your dudes.

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

How about your employee? HA HA, no, no, seriously.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

My child will not be one of the millions who have been converted to Islam in the public schools. I'm against things that aren't actually happening!

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

Acting like a tough guy on the internet, eh, Hadji? Well, a million can play that game!

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

I will ignore people's right to behave as they choose in their private businesses and homes, and will make up fictional examples of forcible imposition of sharia in public spaces where they haven't actually taken place. (The halls of Congress? What the fuck? National monuments?)

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

I will make sure that you, however, can be censored in the name of security.

I am John Doe.

I am Michelle Maglalang. And if anyone were to racially profile me (say, on the basis of several most-wanted-terrorists being Filipino) and make me miss a plane, I would sue the living shit out of them.

But that's different.

ANN ALTHOUSE WILL DESTROY YOU

2007-03-27T12:07:00.000-06:00

Do not call Ann Althouse a sexist. YOU are the sexist! Ann Althouse is a great woman who understands the truth about your monstrous Clinton. You are a liar! Ann Althouse is not angry! YOU are angry! With your breasts! Your dirty sexist breasts that make Ann Althouse SO ANGRY!

Stop making fun of Ann Althouse or Ann Althouse will BAN YOU!

Who's going to rake my leaves?

2007-03-26T06:49:00.000-06:00

Burt "I'm Not a Racist; I Just Want to Call Black People Niggers" Brelutsky on California's first annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration: aren't Mexicans lazy enough already, without giving them a whole special day to be lazy on? This is just like that phony "Labor Day" swindle, where we celebrate working-class people who actually do things by giving them the day off. I think they should have to work twice as hard!

Rocket Fuel

2007-03-26T06:45:00.000-06:00

Butt Propulsion Laboratories: You get to 'add your comments on the energy issues that the site addresses' (because you are 'seriously engaged' with them, just like David Copperfield was seriously engaged to Claudia Schiffer), and we get some of that sweet, sweet petrodollar ad money! It's win-win!

At least we believe in something WORTH destroying the planet for

2007-03-26T06:31:00.000-06:00

Up in Fuddles, MN, Lileks saves the best for last:

I hated post-apocolypse [sic] stuff; I always did. That’s one of the miserable things about the 70s, and its lurid indulgence in these fantasies. Beneath the Planet of the Apes, for example, not only adheres to the requirement of the time that all movies must end with the hero’s death; it not only posits the existence of a nuclear weapon that still works after many centuries (and sheds huge amounts of smoke when powered up, if I remember correctly), but it kills the entire planet for its conclusion, after which an omnipotent voiceover tells us that "a green and insignificant planet is now dead." Roll credits.

I wonder now: who started it, back then? Who started the war that managed to destroy everything? Might their motivations, their morals, their ideas, be held more responsible than the instruments of destruction they used? I know this: that was the least important detail to the dystopian cynics then, and probably now as well.

Stupid dystopian cynics! Thinking it was the act of destroying an entire planet that was important, and not the reasons for doing it! As in the future, where the innumerable corpses will molder and crumble happily if they know they were all killed for a good cause, so it is today, where all the American dead in their thousands and the Iraqi dead in their hundreds of thousands rejoice from their graves because they know they died for freedom, and not at the whim of some petty dictator. IED, sniper, car bomb or ordnance dropped from miles overhead: none of this matters to the decaying cadavers. What matters to them, and to their grieving families, is that our motives are pure and just; that's what makes it all worthwhile.

Sure, Al Gore is a nut, but where's the part about Michael Moore being fat?

2007-03-23T11:01:00.000-06:00

Town Hall's Mary Katherine Ham (of HamNation fame) hams it up for the hamera in this ham-fisted attempt at humor. Displaying all the skills required from a gifted comic actress (standing next to things, pointing, giving a thumbs-up, smiling, and shrugging), Mary Kate has finally eclipsed Ashley. Look out, Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin -- there's a new right-wing Vanna White in town!

Doughy Can'tload

2007-03-23T10:47:00.000-06:00

In case you haven’t been following the events surrounding the any-day-now publication of Liberal Fascism, the long-delayed book by sci-fi-nerd-turned-right-wing-gasbag Jonah Goldberg, Timothy Noah at Slate has vouchsafed us the information that there’s yet another hiccup. Jonah hasn’t actually finished the book yet, which, since it’s being put out by an actual, legitimate publishing house instead of Regnery, might be causing his editor some small dismay, as well as generating a few sternly worded e-mails regarding the disposition of his advance.

Not that I am eagerly looking forward to its publication – I’m sure it will be as worth reading as everything else he’s ever written, which is to say slightly less so than the publication indicia of a desk calendar – but I must say I feel for Jonah. Obviously, he’s been under a lot of pressure to deliver a book that was supposed to have been published two years ago and that he hasn’t bothered to get around to writing yet, and that pressure is starting to get to him.

I’m here to help. As a semi-professional freelance writer who has never missed a paid deadline, I’m willing to step in with some words of advice for a man who, unlike most writers, never had to go through the learning curve experienced by those of us who don’t have rich parents who lined us up with our cushy jobs. So, Jonah, here’s some things to think about while you work on that swell book of yours.

1. In the future, think about actually completing a significant portion of the book before you take the royalty check. I know that you were made to understand that your fame as a professional blowhard would insulate you from the requirements of stuff like professionalism, quality and originality, but you do actually have to write the book at some point, and maybe two years after announcing its publication is not the best time to start.

2. Speaking of making announcements, try and clear these with your publisher beforehand. So far, you’ve made seven public announcements of the book’s imminence, which, had you checked with the people at Doubleday, you would have discovered might have been better timed if they had come after the completion of the book.

3. I am not one to judge people for their hobbies. After all, I contribute to five separate blogs and/or message boards, and only two of them pay me to do so. So I’m not one to scold you for spending approximately seventeen hours a day online exchanging speculation with John Podhoretz at the Corner about whether or not Adama is a Ceylon. Then again, I am not going around telling everyone how I can’t make deadlines on my book because I’m just too busy. Maybe, since your book is only 272 pages long, you should spend some of the time you’d usually use for ragging on Kathryn Jean Lopez for not being able to identify all of the bridge crew of the starship Enterprise by their first names on writing Liberal Fascism instead. You’d probably be able to crank it out in a week with that substitution alone.

4. Blaming your inability to complete your work on the birth of your daughter is a tiny bit chickenshit, considering that she was not even conceived at the time the book was originally scheduled for publication. Also, “work distractions” is a whole lot of chickenshit: if you accepted money to write this book, which I’m guessing you did, then it is work. It’s only a hobby if you don’t get paid for it, and saying your ‘real’ work got in the way is pretty insulting to the people who paid you to write the book.

5. Speaking of insulting your publishers, your claim that the book “isn’t what the Amazon description says” is a bit odd, considering that Amazon’s description came from the publisher, and the publisher’s description came from you. What you’re really saying is that your book is not what you say your book is, which, honestly, wouldn’t surprise me.

6. Finally, while I’m glad that unlike most writers, you have maintained the necessary objectivity to claim that your book is “a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care”. However, you might wanna get that message to Doubleday, who believe that your book is on a level of serious thoughtfulness that deserves this on the cover.

Do Russians love their children too?

2007-03-23T06:28:00.000-06:00

April Fool's Day has come early at Killing an Arab! Even though past experience teaches that the commenters at LGF can't go five seconds without hoping that we nuke Mecca, that hilarious jokester Chuckles Johnson has us on by pretending that kind of thing is an abberation. It's all part of a fun new April Fool's Day joke-meme that's sweeping the right-wing-blog nation, where they pretend that left-wing blogs are full of foul-mouthed, disgusting, bloodthirsty creeps, while the conservative blogs are peopled by gentle, loving saints who would never, for example, call for a constitutional amendment to ban Islam or imply that a teenager would prefer to die in a car crash than grow up alongside a fruity-seeming father.

Now, Chuck has always had a very subtle sense of humor, and you might not know he was kidding just by noting that, in other posts this week, he calls Islam a "death cult", mocks the death of Rachel Corrie for the ten millionth time, and uses sure-fire punchline words like "disgusting", "ominous", "obnoxious", "violently bigoted", "disgraceful", "nihilistic", "debased", and "evil" to crack hilarious jokes about people who don't agree with him. But here's how you can tell it's all just a big prank: immediately after this post, there's another post about how Elizabeth Edwards has cancer. And while no one wishes for her to die (since she's not running for anything), that "tiniest of tiny fractions" of troublemakers -- who are, of course, immediately shouted down by their higher-minded peers -- does have a few things to say about her husband:

- "disgusting"
- "a jerk"
- "an idiot" (first three posts)
- "sad"
- "continual disgust for him"
- "disgusting"
- "speaks badly of him"
- "his vanity and ego are going to rob them all of what time she has left"
- "I doubt a lot of this sincerity from the nutroots"
- "his priorities are skewed"
- "If he really cared, he would drop outta the race"
- "the libs are thinking we're just being nice to make them look bad"
- "misguided"
- "a cad"
- "it goes to show what kind of decision maker Johnny Breck is"
- "idiot"
- "a slug"
- "a black hole of greed and ambition"
- "people are mouthing platitudes that they don't really feel at all"
- "fucking tool"
- "shallow"
- "impressing very few people, I fear"
- "milking this"
- "making an attention-whoring parade out of it"
- "I still cannot stand her husband"
- "There are Two Americas: The America that stands by its family and loved ones, and the America that lusts for power"
- "She has much Class, he, however, does not"
- "i don't think it's coincidence that in every liberal marriage the wife is the dominant partner"
- "disingenuous"
- "despicable to the nth degree...a cold blooded bastard"
- "he's in some way trying to milk this for political gain"
- "condescending"
- "I have no pity or sympathy...these people are destroying the last refuge of freedom on the earth"
- "Edwards is putting himself before his wife"
- "a complete tool"
- "psychopath"
- "ludicrous"
- "pathological narcissist"
- "I don't trust him as far as I could throw him"
- "piece of shit"
- "a creep and an opportunist of the highest order"
- "the living definition of a charlatan"
- "I wouldn't call [Elizabeth Edwards] warm, caring, or particularly fair...she's no angel and a rabid leftie"
- "politically retarded...sleaze-ball"
- "such men...would sell the gold teeth out of their dead mother's mouths"
- "I cannot hope or pray for a man I despise"
- "I lost all sympathy for him when I heard his comments today"

Then there's this high-larious bit of unintentional irony:

I just had it out with my moonbat bro who tried to make a moral equivalence between conservative and liberal blogs. I told him 99.9% of gutter and hate talk comes from their side. Vicious anarchist assholes they are.

...aaaaaaaaand, just so you don't think the exterminate-the-brutes crowd can't find some way of blaming absolutely everything on the Muslims, there's these two:

"Cancer is the real enemy of mankind. I wish the muslims would learn that."

"This makes me hate the Islamofacists even more. The money we have to spend fighting their evil death cult could be available instead for research to find cures that give people life."

TAKE THAT, MOHAMMED

That wine was for ALL our guests, Pam

2007-03-22T16:10:00.000-06:00

"This is where I talk about John Bolton! Find your own toilet!"

Once again, it's time for Clown Central Station to provide its most valuable service: word-for-word transcripts of the drunken ramblings of self-deluding plastic surgery disaster Pamela "Atlas Shrugs" Oshry. Sure, Sadly! No might be funnier, and Firedog Lake might bring you more important news and Roy Edroso might update more frequently and spell more words correctly, but none of them -- none of them -- have the iron will, strong stomach and ready access to newly developed pharmaceutical-grade gag suppressants to do what I do. For whatever reason it is that I do it.

This week's Pamelog comes to us from a toilet, a location which most of us have always associated with Ms. Oshry, though perhaps not in so obvious a way. As you may recall, last time we did this, Pammy did not seem to be drunk off her spinal column. I can assure you, that's not an issue this time around.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND AS YOU READ:

1. Pam's apparent disdain for Middle America and its correct pronunciation.

2. Pam's frightening discovery of someone "who's willing to vlog me".

3. How Pam interrupts the friendly chat of another partygoer by demanding to know what he thinks of the global jihad.

4. How Pam talks for about five minutes before she is able to come up with the name of a single effective Republican, and when she does, it's John Ashcroft.

5. Pam's scary control-freak behavior with the cameraman.

6. How Pam hogs the only toilet at a party and busts up the shelves just so she can remind her readers that liberals suck.

7. How, even though no one said to her "jihad is a conservative issue", she claims that her comedian suitor said it, and then attributes it to what "the Left is reporting", in the space of 30 seconds.

8. Pam calling Elian Gonzalez a bastard.

9. Pam's seeming delight at the prospect of Scooter Libby being raped in prison.

10. Pam's belief, not in evidence during the Clinton administration, that law enforcement officials using subpoenas and making people testify in criminal cases is some variety of dirty trick.

Let's begin!

(We open on Pammy, seated on a toilet, where she "prepares" her next "column". She begins to speak, her charmingly harsh Lun Guy Lint accent blurred by wine and, I believe, Vicodin, and points at us, hoping that we will catch her gaze and be transformed into statuary.)

Hey! Atlasites! How YOU doin'? I know the thing you…hey, yeah, you haven't vlogged for a while. I have to be honest with you: I haven't been feeling particularly vlogalicous. But I am tonight! And I know you can…what's with the f___in' shower curtain, it…the $14.99 at 'Tar-zhay', or in Middle America, Target, shower curtain? Because I'm into my department, and I'm at this fabby little downtown party now, and the reason that I decided to vlog is that I have a filmmaker who's willing to vlog me, and because I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

First of all, I was pouring myself a little wine, and some guy's chatting on me – you know how it is: yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! And we started talking, and he's all talking about all this, all that, and, he's a comedian. Hello? Um…yeah, all that and a bag of chips. And he's talking about how, you know, this and that…and I said, well, what about the global jihad? He said, "What?" I said, "The global jihad!" He said "Oh, you must be a conservative". (Laughs) As if the jihad was a conservative issue! What is wrong with America?

Now, I want to discuss something else. Um…you bet…stop it! Stop the, the guy having the…you, giving her too much to drink, just stop! Stay where you are. By the way, I'm in the bathroom. The bathroom. I wanted to vlog a couple things. Yeah. so, the jihad is a conservative issue. This is what the left is reporting. Okay? Now, I wanted to discuss a couple things with you. I wanted to discuss destroying an effective Republican. This is a new M.O. of the left. Yeah, baby. The new M…I'm speaking to Tom DeLay, who's gonna be on my show! Atlas on the air, we love that, uh huh. (Makes a hands-over-head gesture and her cummerbund almost falls off. The cameraman turns the camera sideways to make the gesture comprehensible, and Pamela becomes visibly agitated.)

Stop that! Would you? St…(whistles) Stop! Okay? Yeah. They destr…every effective Republican…do you notice this? Every effective Republican, they destroy. Do you notice this? Let's see…who do, who do we have? You wanna chime in? You don't wanna chime in? No? Okay. Um…oh! Uh, another thing to run past my Atlas readers. On the blog! I want you to write in one Republican president the media liked. One. And you're gonna say, uh, they liked Reagan in death. He was dead! Hello? Okay. He was an Alzheimer, old-age-stricken idiot. Savant.

(The cameraman interjects: "Not Lincoln! They hated him!" Pam laughs.)

Listen: they hated Lincoln. And I gotta tell you…oops!

(While flailing ~~drunkenly~~ dramatically about, Pam, having already hogged the bathroom at a party for the last five minutes trying to remember what she was talking about, knocks over what sounds like a glass and a rack of her host's books.)

Don't…don't…no. This is on film. Don't tell Jack that I was in the bathroom at the time. Listen: they hated Lincoln. They did. Did anyone notice…eh…I…we…did we miss Bolton's speech at CPAC? That was Lincolnesque. That was up there in the, in the, uh, historical great speeches. Notice how no one read it, not C-SPAN 1, 2, 3, not FOX – F-A-U-X…nobody ran that speech. But I wanna, I wanna point something out to you: every effective Republican they destroy. John Ashcroft? Who replaced John Ashcroft? Do you know, behind the camera? Gonzalez! Then they're trying to get rid of him.

(The cameraman asks: "Elian?")

They're trying to get rid of…ha ha, Elian! Yeah, what happened to Elian Gonzalez? That poor little bastard from Cuba. They sent him back there. (Sings) No tengo dinero! Ho-o-o-ooo! No tengo dinero! Ho ho ho ho!

I'm not gonna stay on much longer. I just wanna…I wanna…I wanna get to the bedroom. I just wanna tell you that…do not fall for it! They're destroying every effective Republican. Every single one. They're destroying…listen! Where's Perle? Where's Wolfowitz? Where's Frum? They're trying to destroy Rove…with Rove…what are they trying to do with these subpoenas? They're trying to get them on the stand. Why? Because they destroy you with perjury. Hello, Scooter Libby! Hello! Hey, Scooter: make sure they don't call you that in the big pen, because you know what they're gonna do with a name like Scooter. Bada bing, bada boom! (Makes a 'fisting' gesture.)

Okay. I gotta, I gotta cut it off now. There's a line for the bathroom. Listen: Atlas! Who loves you, baby? (Makes disturbing clicking noises with mouth and wanders off to find another jumbo box of wine.)

Happy pantload!

2007-03-21T07:56:00.000-06:00

Today is professional descendent/Star Trek enthusiast/conserva-nerd Jonah Goldberg's birthday. Since Jonah gives and gives to us*, I think it's time we give to him. Suggested gifts:

- $1000 in Fun Bucks at the Star Trek Experience in Vegas

- a personal trainer to get his sorry ass in shape so he can go and fight in Iraq like he really wants to

- a giant mousetrap and some rocket boots so he can finally put into action his brilliant plan to catch Osama bin-Laden

- a fun smiley-face mask with a Hitler mustache on it to wear at NRO's annual Halloween party

- a toothbrush, to clean all the shit out of his mouth

How about you, dear Clown Central Station porters, vendors, and shoeshine gals? What would you get Jonah Goldberg for his birthday?

*: For example, today, he gives us the gift of some snappy patter he's been perfecting on weekends at SCA swordfighting practice:

Damnable Twin Cities! We have been confounded by thy diabolically dual nature! Not knowing anything about where I am, when I talked to Scott Johnson yesterday, I told him I was staying at the City Center hotel, leaving out the crucial detail that I was in St. Paul. He thought I was in Minneapolis because that's where my speech was. But, again, I was not. He went to a different hotel in a different city to meet me this morning, and — fie on the ontological constraints of the space-time continuum — I was not there because I was here. So, now I'm waiting for him to come get me and take me straight to the airport, all because the cheddar-suckling Romulus and Remus of Midwestern cosmopoli have conspired to keep thy humble correspondent from meeting the Nordic blogmaster of the Great Northern Middle Kingdom.

Butt Town

2007-03-21T07:17:00.000-06:00

Dean Barnett, previously known for his bold accusations on Hugh Hewitt's blog that the liberal media are focusing on the 80% of Iraq that's engulfed in chaos and violence and totally ignoring the 20% that's relatively calm, is showing up at Town Hall lately as the newest recipient of Richard Mellon Scaife's savings account interest. And, as do most of the razor-keen minds in the Hall, he's got the left's number: we're so obssessed with whether or not Khalid Muhammed is telling the truth that we're ignoring the fact that the things he might be lying about are really super evil.

Elsewhere in Town, the Naughty Girl pens a piece entitled 'The Witch Hunt Against Gun Owners'. This witch hunt doesn't involve blackballing people from making a living, though, like the Michelle-Malkin-supported anti-communist witch hunts of the 1950s, or burning, strangling, pressing and stoning of innocent victims like the witch hunts of the 17th century: instead, this witch hunt involves the publication of freely available information, a practice which Michelle Malkin presumably opposes in all its forms.

Finally, the Medfly has finally cracked the code and figured out the bewildering appeal of liberalism: we persist in this crazy fantasy of helping the less fortunate, and there are a lot of losers out there. The left will remain a thorn in our side, crabs the Medfly, as long as people "long to embrace and exalt all those who claim to have suffered from hard luck or oppression: the homeless, single mothers, 'people of color,' homosexuals, AIDS patients, feminists, convicted criminals, Native Americans, atheists, immigrants". I'm glad he added that "claim to have suffered", aren't you? I mean, the last thing we need is homeless people, blacks, gays, women, Indians and people with fatal diseases going around saying that it's objectively true that they've had "hard luck". Get a grip, people!

Black pool party

2007-03-21T06:49:00.000-06:00

Over at Butt Propulsion Laboratories, Scott Johnson is incensed at this article in the notoriously liberal Wall Street Journal, which suggests that something should be done about the disproportionately high number of black children who drown every year. Faced with, on the one hand, a large number of dead kids, and on the other hand, the possibility that an infinitessimally small amount of his taxes will go to teaching black children to swim, Johnson says: "Say hello to Davey Jones while you're down there, Negroes!"

Of course, conservativism is about helping people help themselves: it's not that Scott wants the black children to die, it's just that he doesn't want them to get any death-prevention assistance on the public tit. It's only right and sensible that if you could pay one penny to save someone's life, or save the penny and hope that, I dunno, St. Parick's Cathedral jumps in the pool and rescues them, you'd go for the wealth-maximizing option every time, right?

After excoriating the author for citing figures out of context, Johnson demonstrates that two can play that game, by quoting some statistics from the CDC just as if they meant something:

* There is a large disparity in drowning rates between men and women. In 2003, males accounted for 80 percent of the drownings in the United States.

* Alcohol use is involved in about 25 percent to 50 percent of adolescent and adult deaths associated with water recreation.

Which is relevant to the subject of the article (black children drown at higher rates than children of other races) because, uh, well, because, you see, most of those drowned kids are boys with drinking problems, maybe, why not.

Still, CJ isn't entirely opposed to the idea that something should be done: he's apparently in favor of reanimating Ronald Reagan's corpse and letting him save all the black children from drowning. (Reagan's period as a lifeguard, by the way, cited by Johnson as evidence of the proper approach to the problem if it exists, seems like a strange thing to hang the argument on. Not only is it kinda unconservative -- hinging on letting someone else save you instead of learning how to save yourself -- but it's contingent on the hiring of government employees; Reagan was a lifeguard at a public pool, whose construction and maintenance, like his salary, was paid for by tax money.)

The Left is Destroying Our Value System By Eliminating the Slaughter Rule

2007-03-20T06:40:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, you can't mock Dennis "My Son Has a Black Friend" Prager any better than just quoting his opening paragraph:

This past weekend, a friend of mine attended his 13-year-old son's baseball game. What he saw encapsulates a major reason many of us fear for the future of America and the West.

Still, the man has a point: when you look at the decline of all the major world powers in history -- Athens, Rome, the Han Dynasty, Timbuktu, the Germans, the French under Napoleon, the Soviet Union, the Persians, even the British empire -- the cause has always been the same: too much compassion.

HOT ACTION IN FUDDLES!

2007-03-20T06:09:00.000-06:00

Poor Jimmy Lileks has been so busy with his book lately that he's scarcely had time to bloviate on political issues. But this weekend, damn it, he made time, attending his first-ever war protest!

Or, rather, war counter-protest. For as you know, Jimmy is great guns for the war, caring deeply as he does for the plight of the Iraqi people who have suffered so much under the bloody burden of Islamist terrorism ever since Saddam Hussein was overthrown. And since we clearly have to support our troops in their efforts to combat a problem that we caused, the man from Fuddles headed downtown with a group of likeminded patriots to check out the opposition.

Whenever Lileks talks about the anti-war movement, he says something like this:

Let me be clear: There are serious, reasonable critics of the war whose arguments deserve attention and consideration.

In fact, he says exactly that, and goes on to completely ignore all of those arguments in deference to making a lot of cheap jokes about crazy hippies with their Che t-shirts and wacky conspiracy theories and bizarre idea that the U.S. government has any interest in the oil economy. If you cruise on over to the link above, you'll find a bunch of pictures of the war protesters: they're a little bit kooky, they're a little bit fruity, they're a lotta bit into hollow empty slogans and a complete lack of the intellectual refinement that is the hallmark of James "Look At This Funny Matchbook" Lileks. Just more hot air for the Wurlitzer, as you might expect: Lileks intersperses his zany photos of the Twin Cities' finest fruitcakes with high-larious Harper's Index-style comments like

Number of guys who threw his weight into a much larger counter-protestor then screamed the F word in front of two little girls while shouting about his eight years of military service: one

and

Explanation offered by kind nice middle-aged lady who was asked why she was beating on that drum: it gathers the energy, and provides a beat and a focusing point.

The odd thing, though, is that he leads off his article with a photo of the counter-protestors -- with, in other words, a snapshot of his people, of the crew he had come there with -- and somehow neglects to provide the same sort of commentary for them.

Here, Jimmy, I'll help:

Number of counter-protestors who were overweight, balding, bearded white guys in ill-fitting blue jeans: 3

Percentage of counter-protestors who were overweight, balding, bearded white guys in ill-fitting blue jeans: 75%

Sole exception: J. Lileks, 40something, of Fuddles, MN (not pictured)

Degree of serious, reasonable argument that deserves attention and consideration represented in signs carried by counter-protestors: zero

Apparent ratio of pro-war to anti-war marchers needed for the latter to be deemed a "counter-protest" rather than "three dipshits hanging around on a street corner": 1:25

Ratio of paragraphs Lileks spends deconstructing hollow, idiotic slogans sported by the left to paragraphs Lileks spends deconstructing the slogan "Freedom Is Not Free": 2:0

Degree to which, having allied himself with a man bearing a sign that reads "Support Our Troops = Support Their Mission", Lileks would approve of the idea "Support Your Wife = Support Her Robbing a Convenience Store": unknown

Credence Lileks gives argument that war protestors are hypocrites for driving their cars to an anti-oil war protest vs. credence Lileks gives argument that pro-war counterprotestors are hypocrites for failing to serve in the military: 100%:0%

Number of times that Lileks claims that critics of 300 hate it because it lacks a sense of irony, when in fact it merely portrays a pre-ironic world: one

Time and place first historical references to irony appear: Greece, 5th century BC (exactly concurrent to events of 300, by Socrates, often in reference to Sparta)

Give me another of them pit sammiches, I'll give you some mo murders

2007-03-15T07:16:00.001-06:00

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, whose testimony should totally be believed even though the U.S. government admits that he has been tortured, today confessed to having masterminded the 9/11 attacks. He also confessed to having masterminded the Bali bombings, the killing of a Marine in Kuwait, the previous attack on the World Trade Center, the Richard Reid shoe-non-bombing, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the bombing of a vacation spot in Kenya, the attack on an Israeli jet in 2002, and pretty much everything else al-Q'aeda has ever been connected with. In further news we should totally believe even though he has been held incommunicado at secret CIA prisons for the last four years, Khalid Mohammed also confessed to masterminding attacks on Heathrow airport, the Empire State Building, the New York Stock Exchange, Big Ben, the Sears Tower, and the Panama Canal*, as well as assassination attempts on Pope John Paul, Pervez Musharraf, and every single living former president of the United States. If anything, the fact that none of these things actually happened proves how totally believable his story is.

Khalid Mohammed's role in the U.S.S. Cole attack, the London subway bombing, the al-Q'aeda attacks in Spain, the assassination of JFK, the disappearance of Judge Crater, the suppression of the electric car, the Black Plague, and the Holocaust is still unclear, as are his operational ties to Chechnyan terrorists, Colombian narcotraffickers, Tamil separatists, and Martian invasion forces. But several things are now certain:

1. Guantanamo is totally awesome and everyone should shut up about it now.

2. Torture obviously gets results.

3. It's a good thing reporters are banned from these tribunals, because they probably would have just laughed at the Sheikh's outlandish claims, the bunch of commie traitors.

4. All the leftists who have been bitching about our failure to catch Osama bin-Laden can shut up now, because we have the guy who really did it so who even cares about bin-Laden anyway?

5. The timing of these astonishing revelations certainly have nothing to do with the fact that Alberto Gonzalez may be shitcanned today, right after all the journalists hit the bars, for his part in the political firings of U.S. government attorneys who failed the Bush administration's ideological test. Nothing whatsoever.

Money makes the press go 'round

2007-03-15T06:20:00.000-06:00

As part of her ongoing quest to prove that the mainstream media are a bunch of liberal fibbers, Michelle "Naughty Girl" Malkin has broken the shocking story that a New York Times reporter paid an underaged youth to help him escape from the world of child pornography.

What a horrible scandal! Certainly no legitimate journalist has ever paid off a source for information before, and condeming the young man to further years of sexual exploitation would have been a small price to pay for the reporter to keep Michelle Malkin's trust in the sanctity of journalistic ethics. As she says at the end of the article:

Can you imagine how loudly the media ethics mavens would moan and snicker if anyone other than The New York Times provided such convoluted justifications for checkbook journalism?

Yes, Michelle, that would be terrible. Why, if anyone else did such an unethical thing, you would be wise to never listen to anything they said again. The only thing worse than a columnist paying money to a source would be...oh, I don't know, maybe a columnist taking money to defend a source, or maybe a columnist taking outside money to promote a particular viewpoint. Luckily, that sort of thing almost never happens, and on the rare occasion when it does, the culprits are immediately banished from the profession of journalism and are never allowed to appear in the pages of respectable publications again.

As for Michelle herself, I'm sure if she ever found out that she shared space with the vile practitioners of this sort of pay-for-play journalism, she would resign immediately, or at least write a column where she placed the blame squarely on the guilty columnists, and not on the people who bought them off. Because Michelle has a little thing called...ethics.

Michael Ledeen: still not dead

2007-03-13T07:01:00.000-06:00

Via the always-amusing HTML Mencken at Sadly, No!, we learn that fearless prognosticator and top-notch journalist Michael Ledeen has taken Henry Kissinger, father of a nonexistent generation of Cambodians and Laotians, to task for being insufficiently hawkish.

Following the sage advice of former Nixon Museum curator Hugh Hewitt, Ledeen knows that the important thing isn't reaching achievable goals, or practicing the art of realpolitik, or finding common ground with your ideological opponents in order to forestall disastrous violence. Politics, to Ledeen, isn't the art of the possible; politics is the art of listening to the craziest bullshit some foreign ideologue can yank out of his pocket, swallowing it whole without an iota of realism or skepticism, and preparing to bomb the shit out of his whole country because of it. Let's let Fasterplease Theatre speak for itself:

Only the defeat of the Islamic Republic can accomplish that goal, because that would demonstrate that the mullahs do not have divine support for their global jihad.

Well, sure! That is so goddamn insightful there is totally no way that it wouldn't work. The best way to prove that Allah isn't on their side is to hand them a crushing defeat in war! BRILLIANT! I mean, look how timid and meek the Germans became after their humiliating defeat they were handed in WWI! Look at the United States after the Twin Towers fell on 9/11 -- people stopped believing in American exceptionalism, and the religious right, who had always taught that God was on our side, completely withdrew from national politics! And you sure haven't heard a peep from the Taliban since we spanked their asses in Afghanistan! You're the greatest student of history ever, Michael Ledeen.

Neither was Jesus' General

2007-03-13T06:22:00.000-06:00

Dennis "My Son Has a Black Jesus-Worshiping Friend" Prager, America's foremost Jewish authority on what Jesus believes, disagrees with actual Jesus-worshiper John Edwards on whether or not Jesus was a leftist. No way, says Den-den.

This is based largely on one of His most famous statements: "Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

The flaw in interpreting such statements as policy statements on how a nation should behave is that Jesus was speaking about the life of the individual -- the micro -- not about nations and the macro.

Well, that's true, insofar as Jesus rarely gave any advice about the life of nations. Jesus, being a utopian anarchist, gave less than a shit about what nations did, and probably wouldn't have suggested, as Dennis claims leftists would later in the article, that after Pearl Harbor, Americans offer up another American city to bomb. In fact, Jesus might very well have had something to say about the tragedy of all the lost life, or the necessity of getting one's soul right with God. The pussy.

Dennis doesn't address other, more flagrant examples of Jesus' lefty teachings, like, oh, say, Matthew 25:31-46, or Matthew 19:16-30, or Matthew 5:9-12 and , or Matthew 7:1-2, or John 2:13-17, or Luke 14:7-14. But hey, that Matthew guy was a known liberal infiltrator, and John and Luke were probably just quoted out of context by some latte-sipping reporter.

Kathryn Jean Lopez Snout would not take the garbage out

2007-03-13T06:19:00.000-06:00

Say, folks! If you're like me, you've often wondered: what if, instead of a brilliant and beloved children's author who wrote memorable stories about tolerance and friendship, Dr. Seuss was a crazy right-wing ideologue obsessed with exposing the sins of liberals?

I think it might...go a little...like this.

Town & Clown

2007-03-12T06:45:00.000-06:00

As it so often is, Town Hall today is the gift that keeps on giving. We have Burt Prelutsky reminding us that Al Gore is fat; Mike S. Adams declaring a "redneck jihad" and noting that Muslims are sissies; Phil Harris reliving his glory days in the fourth grade; and Doug Giles suggesting that if Jesus were alive today, he would make fun of John Edwards' hair.

My favorite, though, has to be Mary Grabar. After establishing last week that atheists are stupid, she refines the point further. Attacking writers who attack religion, she says:

A handful of smug "scientists" (Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris, among them) have come along displaying their ignorance in pedestrian prose.

Does Mary give examples of the ignorance of Dawkins or Harris? She does not. Gotta love those scare-quotes around 'scientists', too...

In the public universities today, professors wax on about the wonders of Islam or Native American scalp dances

"Scalp dances"? What the fuck?

Craven tenured professors give in to feminists strutting in high heels and mini skirts or in Dickies pants

For God's sake, people, WOMEN IN PANTS ARE EXPRESSING THEIR OPINIONS IN OUR UNIVERSITIES!

At faculty meetings they nod and express agreement about the need for "diversity," as the great literary works like Paradise Lost are replaced by such vile things as the lyrics of Tupac Shakur (true story).

Man, that "(true story)" kills me. KILLS ME! I mean, leaving aside the question of whether or not it really is a true story, what with there being no citation and all, does she really believe that Paradise Lost has been replaced by "I Just Don't Give a Fuck"? Or perhaps it's that schools are now also teaching about 2Pac, as well as Milton? Could be! There are still a few schools that teach Paradise Lost out there. True story!

But we need to be reminded that Christians started almost all of the major universities in this country. If it weren't for Christians, the atheists would be chanting into the fire and clubbing each other over the head for food and women.

What Mary Grabar seems to be suggesting here:

1. Cavemen were atheists.
2. The non-Christian settlers of early America, which would include the founding fathers, lived like cavemen.
3. The university system was begun by Christians.

I'm pretty sure that none of those things are true, but I'm not a Ph.D.-holder like Mary Grabar.

But contrary to the historical evidence, the atheists claim to have the moral high ground, to be the most civilized, while cashing in royalty checks.

I'm not sure what historical evidence is being discussed here, but why would cashing royalty checks (for what, exactly?) make you yield the moral high ground? Isn't this woman a capitalist?

Anyway, here's the best part!

Do the atheists express doubt? No, they have all kinds of faith in themselves--from the smug authors of atheistic apologetics to the narcissistic authors who see into "nothing," from Sartre to Jonathan Franzen.

Oh, that filthy nihilist Jonathan Franzen! I HATE HIM SO MUCH. But wait, it gets better:

The leftist literary writer has no qualms about promoting his politics through his fiction and poetry, as well as in his commentary. About a quarter of the contributors to the Huffington Post are creative writers--novelists, screen writers, poets, etc. In fact, they get directly involved in politics and use their cachet as writers through "Litpac," a political action committee of writers who made phone calls to voters during the 2006 elections. A luminary is Stephen Elliott, author of autobiographical sadomasochistic fiction and teacher at creative writing workshops. While the non-Christian writer is rewarded for promoting sadomasochism, and blazes forward in the political arena, the Christian writer congratulates himself for expressing doubt.

You know, I helped out with a Litpac event last year, and I'm pretty sure that nobody got rewarded for promoting sadomasochism, but I was manning the door for part of the show, so maybe I missed it, I dunno. Anyway:

Did Dante express doubt? Did Flannery O'Connor?

Well, Flannery O'Connor did. Or, rather, she expressed the terror of false certainty, in one of her finest short stories. But maybe that's not the same.

What works of atheists, Buddhists, Muslims or Wiccans parallel the greatness of the literature that expands on the themes of the Bible?

I'm kinda getting tired of Mary Grabar's pleas of ignorace of any atheist-penned cultural or artistic accomplishments, but honest to lack of God, how does one attain a doctoral degree in English and claim not to know any great literary works by atheists?

The works produced lately — the piles of garbage that pass as "installation art," the literature that glorifies pain and promiscuity — testify to the world atheism is ushering in.

Naturally, Mary is not familiar with installation art (like, oh, say, a church); it is scary and new and different and therefor crappy. And really, what great literature has ever been about pain or human suffering? HA HA HA!

Yes, one of the reasons for my attending this conference was to find a publisher for my novel manuscript, "Dancing with Derrida," that tackles the atheistic world that has brought us abortion, feminism, pornography, political correctness, and objectifying sex.

You know, for most of this essay, I was thinking "I never want to read anything by Mary Grabar again", but BOY OH BOY do I want to read Dancing with Derrida! If only Jacques was still alive to do the audiobook.

But I am told that no "Christian" publisher will touch it. And most mainstream publishers seem to want novels that promote politically correct themes, nihilistic views of dysfunctionalism, chick lit fluff, or timid little tomes that present "doubt."

These sour grapes are delicous!

Now THAT'S literature!

2007-03-09T07:56:00.000-06:00

Speaking of great books, this looks like a great read. It's about -- you'll never guess -- how Muslims are going to take over Europe! At this point, I'm pretty sure there are about six hundred times more white people thinking about how Muslims are going to take over Europe than there are Arabs thinking about it, but anyway, this is a "thumping good read", plus you can already order it, unlike Mr. Orson Scott Tardy's book on the same theme. Sure, you have to pay a little extra in shipping (the book is not yet available in the U.S., probably because of the sinister machinations of C.A.I.R.), but it's worth it for a book that has Lady Lymph Node's seal of approval!

And while you're at it, why not check out Hatred of the Angels, yet another top-flight novel about the coming destruction of white people by crazy Islamic fundamentalists? It's written by a blogger at the "6th Column Against Jihad" site, so you know right away it's going to be awesome, and the failure of any characters or dialogue to appear until Chapter Five only confirms that suspicion!

In their radio and TV broadcasts day and night they enumerated all the un-Islamic institutions and new heresies developed in al-Qalifornya , all attributed to these “false sons of Hispanic Arabia” as they called the Mexicans and “their pig-like beardless al-Qalifornian godfathers”.

DON'T YOU TOTALLY WANT TO READ MORE OF THIS AMAZING WORK OF FICTION?

Mark, those critics are just jealous!

2007-03-09T07:17:00.000-06:00

Some variety of communist Scots-Germanic traitor named Johann Hari has impolitically pointed out that Mark Time's awesome new book about how the dusky hordes of Islam are going to outbreed decent white people shouldn't be trusted, for no better reason than pretty much every word of it is completely full of shit.

In support of his terror-supporting thesis, Hari cites Steyn's statistically unsupported claim that Muslims are 20 years away from a demographic assumption of European majority by pointing out that such demographic claims (such as the extremely common one around the turn of the 20th century that Chinese immigrants would soon outbreed whites in the U.S.) have turned out to be bunk, that any demographic predictions are inherently unstable beyond a decade or so, and that even if the population figures do shake down the way Steyn predicts, it's ridiculous to assume that every single European Muslim will be a hardcore Islamist, especially being born, as they will be, into liberal democracies. Well, that may be so, Mr. so-called Hari, but your "science" also teaches us that evolution and global warming are true, and we know that's just a bunch of crap! So much for you.

Hari goes on to point out a few of Steyn's past predictions:

- George W. Bush will win the 2000 election in a landslide (August 2000)
- Osama bin-Laden is dead (March 2002)
- There will be no widespread resistance to the occupation of Iraq (April 2003)
- The Iraqi insurgency will be over in two months (December in 2003)
- The invasion of Iraq is an unqualified success (March 2004)

What Hari doesn't understand, being a Scotsman, is that this is America! We believe in giving people second, third, fifteenth, and thirty-eighth chances. Just because Mark Steyn has been wrong about pretty much everything he's ever said in his career as a pundit doesn't mean we should stop listening to him; that's why George W. Bush is still president, because we want to give him the maximum amount of time to get something right!

"It is a startling indictment of the intellectual standards of the American right," concludes Hari in what I would call a must-read article if I were some sort of freedom-hating, terror-abetting leftist dirtbag, "that they have welcomed this Eurabian fiction with anything other than cheap, repulsed laughter." Oh, yeah, Mr. Johann von MacSmartGuy? If you're so great, how come you're not on the best seller list?

Stand straight, indeed

2007-03-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

As longtime readers of this blog are already aware, we provide the occasional and invaluable service of translating the drunken ramblings of Crazy Pammy Oshry of Atlas Shrugs into the closest approximation of human speech that can possibly be made. This is a service we provide for free, in hopes of creating greater understanding between our beloved homeworld of liberty, democracy and amusing t-shirt messages and Pammy's terrifying planet of shrill nasal accents, insatiable lust for the blood of Arab infants, and watery Gibsons. This is the only blog that provides this service, so please, fondle your waitstaff.

And now, Pammy Luvs Annie, or, Enfaggen Your Drink, Guv'nor?*

Crazy Pammy sits down on a cream-colored pillow, holding an adorable puppy. Blood-chilling fears that she is going to bite its head off are soon dispelled by the even more horrifying reality that she is, instead, going to sing a Smiths song in her unpleasant Long Island accent. Which she proceeds to do.

(Sings)Some girls are bigga than others…some girls are bigga than othas…some girls' mothas are biggah than otha girls' mothas…some girls are bigga than othas…

Yes. That's Morrisey from the Smiths, who I love. How funny am I, singing it? Yes. All because I'm, I'm, I'm the blogger, that's why. Now, it's not that I haven't been blogalicious lately, just that I've been terribly busy, so I apologize, but I had to stop and do a vlog on Coulter. Because the whole thing is ridiculous, and this movement on the right to banish her, this, this organized lynching by, by blogs on the right to banish her from CPAC or from any panel discussion is, is exemplar of, uh, of everything we hold in contempt! First of all, we are not a collective. We don't all subscribe to the same thought. The beauty of who we are is that we're all individuals. That's the first. And the second thing is, is that Coulter? She said "faggot"? Who cares? It's all so ridiculous. I mean, first of all, when we were in, uh, grade school, of my generation who basically reads me, uh, "faggot" was, uh, a total wuss! A loser! A waldo! A geek! A nerd! Okay? I come from, home from school, and I'm, (feigns crying) "Mommy, they called me a fag", she said, "They're just jealous." Well, in her mind, they were just jealous. Of course, I knew better. But that's not the point! The point is, first of all, the guy is not in third grade. He can handle it, okay? Now I know you're gonna s…did you see his reaction? He's a total faggot, okay? "Oh, we should all just get along! Kumbayah, m…" I mean, gimme a break. B…you want this guy as president? She makes a good point. You want…there are people planning and plotting, and they're moving uranium that, one tiny microscopic little sand the size of one speck of sand, according to AJ Strata, who I'll, will be, who'll be on my show next week…it killed (incomprehensible), and they're plotting, a, every day, thousands, tens of thousands of jihadis. And I'm supposed to worry about Ann Coulter saying the word "faggot"? Who cares?

And it's all…why on the right side of the blogosphere, concentrating on the enemy? We are not the enemy. And if CPAC was guilty of anything, CPAC was guilty of, in my opinion, being a little bit of an apologist for Islam. Did you see that debate between Robert Spencer and Dinesh? I mean, the moderator was totally biased. And meanwhile, no one's s…not many people have seen that debate. If Ann Coulter did anything, she put CPAC on the map. Nobody was talking about it. Really. Until Ann Coulter walked into the room – nobody. When Ann Coulter walked into the room – (sings) Everybody stand up! Ah, it's good good good! Like Brigitte Bardot!

So, my point to you is, is that I think the right needs to take a step back, take a breath – I mean, I know they're being righteous, but they're being ridiculous. And I'm not gonna back down on this. Because every word, I mean, the, the, the, the thought police, and the, the, and you just know that the left is just, like, rubbing their hands in total glee. They can do and say whatever they want. Libby was just uh, ah, uh, ah, uh, l…um…found guilty. Uh, what? You lied? Is that what they're saying? I mean, Clinton, and the banging of a girl, and the this, and the cigar, and bleh, and the cover-up, and that was okay. Didn't go to jail. Murder, uh, his fix-it, his hatchet man there, no problem. That's okay. Sandy Burglar? Stuffing the documents? I mean, uh, the 9/11 Commission was, was, was, was trying to figure out what this country, where this country was, and he's stuffing documents in his dirty underwear on a construction site down the block? That's okay. "Oh, I'll take a lie detector, a p…uh, test if you don’t uh, in, uh, uh, indict me." Okay. Can you take a lie detector test? No. But Coulter. This is all over the news. This is nuts! This is nuts! And, I think she is…I love Coulter! She's brilliant and smart and funny and acerbic, and she's got it all going on. And we're eating our young? Sorry. Not goin' there. Totally, violently disagree. Just for knowing.

And…I wanted to tell you that! And, and I'm gonna be talking about it on my show tonight, if you wanna, if you wanna, um, if you wanna call in. Um, it's wrong. It's a huge tactical mistake. Tellin' you, we can't destroy everyone. Foley? What about Foley? "Oh, that was bad, that was, uh, bad." He wasn't doin' it with any, uh, with any kids. He was gay! So? Who cares? I mean, the left, they, uh, they, they can destroy people. The part of the gays can destroy people, but, you know, Barney Frank can be, his lover can be running a gay prostitution ring out of his apartment, that's okay. The right has to stop pandering to its critics. Uh, that's what I'm here to, that's what I'm here to say. The right has to stop pandering, period. Take a stand! Stand straight! Bold, baby, bold! All right, that's it. See ya.

*: This is slightly unfair, as it would appear that Pammy is less drunk than usual. She is, however, still incapable of making any sense.

So it turns out he was kinda lucky!

2007-03-07T07:41:00.000-06:00

Via Travis at Sadly, No!, the Nice Doggie decides that not enough distasteful things have been said about John Edwards lately. In the middle of about six hundred 'Edwards is a queer' slurs, we get this:

Lucky kid. We don’t know how you feel about those things, but we can’t hardly think of a worse fate than to grow up having to call that effeminate ambulance chaser “dad.”

The "lucky kid" reference is to Edwards' teenage son Wade, who was killed in a car wreck. The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler seems to think that any red-blooded American lad would much rather be dead than alive, if it means having a wealthy father that crazy right-wingers like to accuse of being a homo. Sounds right -- I mean, what teenage boy wouldn't want to die in a car wreck? -- but unfortunately, we can't ask Wade Edwards to confirm.

Faggot Watch

2007-03-07T07:05:00.000-06:00

Over at Town Hall, Matt Barber offers one of the more, er, unique interpretations of Ann Coulter's CPAC laff-lines we've heard to date:

Perhaps Coulter...intended not only to question John Edwards’ political machismo but to suggest that America’s self-appointed thought police stop trying to force those who dare to violate their politically correct word-code into Orwellian, re-education “rehab” camps. When Coulter spoke last Friday, everyone heard the word “faggot.” But if you take her words – abrasive as they were – in their full context, she was apparently just telling the left to back off and “bag it.”

So really, when you look closely, the Anntichrist was not so much tarring a presidential candidate with a horrid homophobic slur as she was pleading for liberals to cease their forcible internment of the poltically incorrent in prison camps. Barber is also a big defender of Coulter's asinine claim that she was merely calling Edwards wussy and effeminate; Barber himself is a "like-minded man" with Concerned Women for America and thus completely confident in his own masculinity, which allows him to stand by such comments.

Jon Sanders admits it was wrong to call Edwards a faggot even though he is kinda fruity and girly, while the Medfly condemns her not for using the slur, but for making the G.O.P. look bad. (Besides, says the Medfly, it's crazy to call Edwards a faggot, because he's got a wife and kids!)

Lest you fear that there isn't enough raging homophobia and rampant point-missing going on, I beg of you to read the comments sections for any of those links, which will help you understand why there's no way in hell Coulter isn't getting invited back to CPAC next year.

Total fag

2007-03-06T08:03:00.000-06:00

Allahpundit gives a unique perspective on the Annti-Christ's "successful joke":

To be honest, I don’t think Ann’s remark was anti-gay, I really don’t.

Well, sure! What's anti-gay about calling someone a faggot? That's no more anti-gay than calling someone a nigger is racist! Which it totally isn't, as we learned from George Allen! As Mike Gallagher points out, it's only an insult if you're actually a faggot.

The panel brought up words Democrats have used in the past, including Senator Dick Durbin’s infamous comparison of the US military’s treatment to detainees at Gitmo to Nazis, Soviet gulags and Cambodia’s Pol Pot.

You have to admit, Allahpundit makes one good point after another here. Sure, Ann Coulter may have appeared on national television and called a presidential candidate a hateful homophobic name, but this one time, a Democrat pointed out that much like the Nazis and the Soviets, the United States maintains a concentration camp for political enemies! Therefore, Ann should get a free pass for everything she ever does.

Exit question: What’s worse: John Kerry calling our troops dumb or Ann Coulter’s use of “faggot.”

And he goes out with a zinger! After all, what's really a greater crime: something Ann Coulter did, or something John Kerry didn't do? I think we all know the answer to that.

So, to recap:

2007-03-06T07:12:00.000-06:00

The CPAC (Conservative Political Action Committee) has their annual convention. CPAC is one of the most powerful, high-profile right-wing lobbying groups in the country, so all the blowhards think of it as their time to shine. This year, everyone is talking about a deliciously daring chain reaction among the GLORY (Gorgeous Ladies Of Right-Wing Yutzery); I have prepared this brief precis of l'affaire du Coulter. The role of Ann Coulter will be played by Bebe Neuwirth with a bad dyejob and six kilos of Brazilian up her snout.

FRIDAY NIGHT

MITT ROMNEY, G.O.P. CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT: Ann Coulter, ladies and gentlemen! She's great!

CROWD: (applauds.)

ANN COULTER: I'm shopping around for a new book deal!

CROWD: (listens to sound of crickets chirping.)

ANN COULTER: Uh...I don't have anything to say about John Edwards, because you can't say the word 'faggot'!

CROWD: (alternates booing and cheering.)

MITT ROMNEY, G.O.P. CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT: Ann Coulter, everybody! She's so 'controversial'! Please vote for me.

SATURDAY MORNING

MICHELLE MALKIN: I think what Ann said was tasteless and appalling, and did terrible harm to the conservative movement. Can I have her job now?

ANN COULTER: What's the big deal? I'm an entertainer! I'm giving the people what they want!

KATHRYN JEAN LOPEZ: Yeah, seriously. Who didn't know this was going to happen? Also, can I mention at this point that Mitt Romney is dreamy?

JONAH GOLDBERG: Liberals have done things much, much worse. Although I can't think of any of them right now.

PAMELA OSHRY: How do we know that John Edwards isn't a faggot? I think he owes us an explanation.

What's the best way to extend a gigantic middle finger to an entire generation of veterans and American citizens?

2007-03-05T10:14:00.000-06:00

D'Souzaphone knows.

One man, one vote, one God

2007-03-05T09:37:00.000-06:00

All of life's most important questions can be answered by conservative punditry. For instance, one question has troubled mankind since the dawn of civilization: who is capable of creating and maintaining a democratic society? The answer seems obvious (anyone), but the truth is much more complex.

We already know from the never-wrong Dennis Prager that, despite what you may have learned in 6th grade, it was actually Christians who invented democracy. We likewise know from dozens of conservative fearmongers that there is no such thing as a Muslim democracy, no matter what those smarty-pants know-it-alls at the CIA and United Nations might say about Albania, Algeria, Bangladesh, Comoros, Nigeria, Malaysia, Mali, Morocco, Senegal, Yemen and Turkey.

But while it may seem obvious that only white people in the west are capable of sustained democracy, you may be surprised to learn that not ALL white people in the west are capable of sustained democracy. For example, you know who totally sucks at democracy? Atheists.

So says Mary Grabar, a shiny new face at Town Hall who lets us know that without Jesus, the best rule of government people can come up with involve the Three C's: "concentration caps and communism". In her article, subtly entitled "Atheist Democracy: an Oymoron" (take that, France!), she attacks our nation's relativistic, godless value system for driving young people to radical Islam. I can dig it, Mary: no doubt the existence of relativist multicultaralists in the school system is what drives all those kids in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan to the ways of Islamofascism as well. Mary, who is a Ph.D. in English, bitches about Ph.D.s in English who can't keep their big yappers shut about political discussions they know nothing about, which I have to admit is a pretty good point, and concludes by saying "atheists are stupid". True enough! What could morons like Emma Goldman, Margaret Sanger, Isaac Asimov, Primo Levi, Salman Rushdie, Kurt Vonnegut, H.G. Wells, Richard Branson, George Soros, Albert Camus, Denis Diderot, Karl Marx, Friedrich Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, Jean-Paul Sartre, Peter Singer, Mikhail Gorbachev, Francis Crick, Marie Curie, Richard Dawkins, Richard Feynman, Sigmund Freud, Richard Leakey, Stephen Pinker, Linus Torvalds, and James Watson (not to mention Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Ayn Rand, Christopher Hitchens, Camille Paglia, Andrew Carnegie, Penn Jillette, and Robin Cook) possibly know about democracy and freedom?

That's MISTER Senior Administration Official to you

2007-03-05T09:24:00.000-06:00

If there is one thing I can truly say for the Bush Administration, it is that it never loses its capacity to up the ante for craziness. After a while, you got sort of bored with the corruption and contempt shown by the Reagan people, but with Bush & Co., you might just wake up one morning and discover that the Secretary of the Treasury has called for the reinstitution of slavery or something. And somehow, it will all make sense, in the context of what has come before; you wouldn't even really be surprised.

That's why I was deeply satisfied to learn that Dick Cheney, in a gesture of pettiness heretofore unseen since the manslaughter trial of John Landis (when the director stuck his feet out in the aisle so that the prosecuture would have to climb over him), has demanded that the press no longer refer to him as the vice-president. Jeffrey Feldman refers to this development as "so bizarre it almost defies description", but I don't see it that way. Not even when Cheney, after ordering reporters to describe him only as an unidentified "senior administration official" and then referring to himself as the Vice-President, was I in the least bit surprised. Nor would I be surprised to wake up tomorrow morning and learn that George W. Bush would now like to be referred to as Emperor Americus I, "The Decider", and is requesting that all avert their eyes when he appears before them.

These guys are just that good.

NOW can I say she's a grotty horse-faced junkie? PLEASE?

2007-03-02T19:09:00.000-06:00

Ann Coulter, who may or may not be a woman, cannot talk about John Edwards using the word 'faggot'.

Elsewhere in the goofusphere...

2007-03-02T10:02:00.000-06:00

At Big Boy Jammies, the Cretin Jewels has...er...something to say. Something about breasts, and McDonald's, and how Germans dress like cowboys, and after that I sort of lose track. I'd tell you more, but BBJ seems to have crashed under the weight of its own pomposity.

Meanwhile, at Butt Propulsion Laboratories, the Hindrocket spins so hard he attains Nirvana: in a piece entitled "Good News From Iraq", John cites an AP report.

The number of bodies found so far this month in Baghdad - most of them shot and showing signs of torture - has dropped by nearly 50 percent to 494 as of Monday night, compared with 954 in January and 1,222 in December, according to figures compiled by The Associated Press.

A mere 500 tortured, mutilated victims of gunshot murder? It's like Shangri-La! "So far,so good," concludes the Hindrocket. (Elsewhere at BPL, Scott confesses an embarrassing personal problem in the headline of his latest piece.)

Over at NRO, John Derbyshire sez: Names are for white people. The rest of you can just go by "hey you" or "Darkie #6", etc.

The Dean checks in with a rundown of the realness, because he's from the streets. That's just who he is. Real, according to the Dean: Ann Coulter, Keith Olbermann, Ted Kennedy, Dinesh D'Souza. Frontin', according to the Dean: Al Gore, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, John Edwards. Next week, Hugh Hewitt will challenge Dennis Prager to a freestyle battle over who is more on the frontlines of terror.

Finally, over at LGF, Chuckles had something to say about how a UN ambassador was photographed in the same room as a Muslim, proving that neither of them are Superman, and continued his inexplicable crusade against Digg, whatever that is, but his site crashed my browser so I can't really remember the details. The whole internet is going crazy! Crazy, I tell you!

Oh, and Town Hall carries a photo of Mitt Romney with a halo, and Pajamas Media carries a photo of an Iranian girl in Norway carrying a sign in English to protest Pakistan.

This Things I Believe

2007-03-01T14:55:00.000-06:00

Because goodness knows there are not enough reasons for liberals to yell at each other and give each other reasons not to accomplish anything, and because goodness knows humor is a very personal thing that should nonetheless be dissected like a pig fetus, the time has come for this blog to take a stand on certain issues that, by gar, demand comment.

1. The author of Clown Central Station is, by the standards of our society, a big fat guy.

2. The author of Clown Central Station enjoys jokes about big fat guys, but only if they're really funny.

3. The author of Clown Central Station firmly believes that using Photoshop to insert a picture of a giant sandwich into the outstretched hands of a big fat guy is almost always funny.

4. Even if that big fat guy were, for example, himself.

5. But if the big fat guy in question is a crazy right-wing mass murder enthusiast?

5a. Who, incidentally, writes video-game-themed fan fiction?

6. Funnier still!

7. The author of Clown Central Station recognizes that there are other big fat guys, as well as big fat girls, and non-big non-fat persons of every conceivable gender permutation, who do not appreciate the humor of portraying a crazy right-wing mass murder enthusiast/big fat guy with a giant sandwich in his outstretched hands. This is hard to understand -- I, a big fat guy who has enjoyed a giant sandwich as recently as Tuesday, can scarcely type the words "big fat guy" and "giant sandwich" without collapsing into helpless big fat guy laughter -- but I recognize that this is the case.

8. That said, the author of Clown Central Station believes that one should always disarm the bomb before rearranging the night stand on which it sits. To put it another way, perhaps when we are sufficiently advanced that we are no longer in jeopardy of big fat guys wrecking our economy, destroying our environment, crushing our civil rights, and leading us into pointless, blood-soaked wars, then we can focus our attention on whether or not it's okay to call them big fat guys.

9. George Bush's chimp ears are just as God made them, and just because Massa hits you with a whip doesn't mean you should call him a cracker. Still, who can account for the delight of the soul?

10. Should a moratorium be reached among my people that no big fat guy of the right may henceforth be depicted holding a giant sandwich, I will be happy to host such ideologically unsuitable photographs here. I have no sense of decency.

10b. In this sense, I resemble every fucking right-winger on the planet, who, the minute they see that thread over at Feministe, are going to be saying "HAW HAW LOOKIT THE LARDOS MICHAEL MOORE FAGIT-ASS FATTY FAT FAT PUSSY" (I paraphrase somewhat), regardless of their own big-fat-guyness or lack thereof. Therein, it might be argued, lies a thing that is essential; but my stock in trade is clowning, not thinking. Thus ends my ten-~~pound pizza~~point manifesto.

Hollywood curiously silent on goblin menace

2007-03-01T09:57:00.000-06:00

Over at Town Hall, Clifford May, only a week late, is mad at the Oscars, just as if they had some relevance. Here's why:

How curious that at the Academy Awards ceremony last weekend not a word was said about the terrorist movements dedicated to the destruction of the West.

Indeed! Even though there were no nominated films about terrorism, we know that every waking hour should be spent condemning jihadis, so the failure of anyone at a Hollywood awards show to get up on stage and say "I have only bad things to say about terrorist movements dedicated to the destruction of the West!" is indeed an inexplicable lapse.

Hollywood stars and moguls don’t appear to fully grasp that such groups as al-Qaeda and such regimes as that ruling Iran not only hate Republicans, evangelicals and Richard Perle. They also hope to suppress artistic freedom, impose second-class status on women, and stone to death those with unconventional sexual orientations.

Surely, if they were aware of this fact, they would not be so quick to make public statements about how they wish America was a theocratic dictatorship patterened after Iran, like those made by...uh...well, someone, I'm sure. Probably George Clooney.

Movies are made to entertain and turn a profit, but they can shape public opinion as well. Some film-makers aim to advance an ideology. Think what Sergei Eisenstein did for Soviet communism, or what Leni Riefenstahl did for the Nazis.

Yeah, boy! Stalinism and Nazism would never even have gotten off the ground if it wasn't for those two!

(Michael Moore is not in their league, though he may aspire to be.)

Also, he is fat.

May goes on to make the hilarious claim that The Battle of Algiers was an objectively pro-terrorist movie that served as a founding document for the IRA (who presumably possessed a time machine so they could screen a copy for their founders in 1919), and concludes that since the Oscars didn't give any face time to frothing nutjobs screeching about how we'll soon all be beheaded by moon-worshipers, Hollywood obviously must care about global warming more than terrorism. I'm guessing that since a movie about Irish mobsters in Boston won an Oscar and a movie about the Revolutionary War didn't, Hollywood also cares more about organized crime than it does freedom from tyranny. Q.E. fuckin' D.!

Truly you are the king of references!

2007-03-01T09:52:00.000-06:00

The Dean, responding to a Daily Kos poster called "Lamonth":

What a dummy!

(That’s one for any “Sanford and Son” fans in the audience. I know the commenter has the extra “h” at the end of his handle, but work with me, people.)

You know, Dean, I'm willing to work with you when you make a dated pop-culture reference that's contingent on using a different name that is intended, but when you actually misquote the reference, you've lost me, you big dummy.

Put it in my tight little hate-hole

2007-02-28T07:08:00.000-06:00

A few days back, Dean Barnett on Hooty Hoo's blog noted that, in marked contrast to conservative bloggers, leading liberal talking heads were a bunch of dirty potty mouths. "I bet you could read all of us for a week," said the Dean, "and not find a single naughty word on any of our sites."

Well, surely the Dean didn't think I was going to let him slide on that without a little fact-checking. I decided to comb through a week worth of posts at the cited sites, and I was appalled at what I found: these so-called morally upstanding right-wing pundits are wallowing in a cesspool of filth, depravity and racy language. Just look:

PROFESSOR POOPYPANTS: "ball" (thrice), "sucks" (thrice), "sexual" (thrice), "sex", "pork", "guzzling", "dick", "dog doo", "Ann Althouse".

NAUGHTY GIRL: "hot" (innumerable times), "bottom", "oopsie-doopsie", "damnable" (twice), "embeddable", "yanked", "super-sized", "nuts", "Ann Althouse".

KILLING AN ARAB: "outrageous", "unbelievable", "smear-job", "disgraceful", "distorted", "murderers", "genocide", "truly evil", "repellent", "fraudulent", "just plain evil", "sick". "creepy", "offensive", "disgusting", "hate-hole", "twisted", "freaks", "tainted", "horrifying", "ghoulish", "bloodstained", "appalling".*

YO OLDE BLOWHARDE: "coming" (twice), "rocky", "draining the swamp", "diktat", "Shi'ite", "leeway", "bones", "tucchus", "bits", "lip-biting", "Phillipe Douste-Blazy".

HOOTY HOO: "secret weapon", "satisfied customer", "blunt talk", "fumblerooski", "walk back the cat", "erecting a strawman", "quarantinig [sic] its staff".

BUTT PROPULSION LABORATORIES: "armadillo".

*: That's just from the last three days! And, in the comments section of just his most recent post, I got "asshole", "crap", "fucking" (twice), "asswipe", "shitheads", "pussy", "fuckhead", "reamed their holes", and several threats to attack a young female music critic of Arab descent with a hammer and a fire hose. But hey, that's not his fault! We all know that you can't blame an entire movement for what a few of its more extreme adherents might say, right?

Then we can make all kinds of crazy laws!

2007-02-27T12:36:00.000-06:00

Over at Pedestrian Infidel, one of the more virulent anti-Muslim hate sites, one of the mouthbreathers has posted an hilarious proposed constitutional amendment that would ban Islam. Thus making it the sort of constitutional amendment that not only openly ignores the content of the rest of the constitution, but neatly accomplishes the very goals of the people it claims to target. Let's take a look!

Whereas Religion is defined as an institution dedicated to improving social conscience and promoting individual and societal spiritual growth in a way that is harmless to others not participating in or practicing the same;

It is? Says who?

Whereas Islam includes a complete political and social structure, encompassed by its religious law, Sharia, that supersedes any civil law and that Islam mandates that no secular or democratic institutions are to be superior to Islamic law;

Of course, millions and millions of individual Muslims and many majority-Islamic states do not practice shari'a, but that's not important right now.

Whereas Islam preaches that it and it alone is the true religion

A precept completely absent from any other religions widely believed here in the US of A.

Whereas Saudi Arabia, the spiritual home of Islam does not permit the practice of any other religion on its soil and even “moderate” Muslims states such as Turkey and Malaysia actively suppress other religions;

Whereas in Russia they speak Russian and in Korea all the basketball teams are really short...

Whereas Islam includes as its basic tenant the spread of the faith by any and all means necessary

TENET, you fucking assholes, TENET, use the right goddamn word for once in your lives.

Whereas on 9/11/2001 19 Muslim hijackers acting in the name of Islam killed 3,000 Americans

Islam's name could not be reached for comment.

Whereas there is no organized Islamic opposition to violent proponents of Islam;

None! Anywhere! Which is why violent Islamism dominates in every one of the countries where Islam's 1.5 billion adherents live.

Therefore: Islam is not a religion, but a political ideology more akin to Fascism and totally in opposition to the ideals of freedom as described in the United States Constitution, especially the Bill of Rights.

Therefore, french fries taste good. (Fascism, by the way? Still legal in the U.S. Communism, too.)

Be it resolved that the following Amendment to the Constitution be adopted:

Be it resolved that I'm really impressed with myself.

Article I: The social/political/ideological system known around the world as Islam is not recognized in the United States as a religion. The practice of Islam is therefore not protected under the 1st Amendment as to freedom of religion and speech.

It's some kind of crazy new thing that allows us to ignore the fact that the rest of the Constitution expressly forbids discrimination based on religion -- or, for that matter, social preference, ideological belief, or political party affiliation.

Article II: As representatives of Islam around the world have declared war, and committed acts of war, against the United States and its democratic allies around the world, Islam is hereby declared an enemy of the United States and its practice within the United States is now prohibited.

Be it resolved that we just wrote the world's biggest enforcement problem right into the Constitution.

Article III: Immediately upon passage of this Amendment all Mosques, schools and Muslim places of worship and religious training are to be closed, converted to other uses, or destroyed. Proceeds from sales of such properties may be distributed to congregations of said places but full disclosure of all proceeds shall be made to an appropriate agency as determined by Congress. No compensation is to be offered by Federal or State agencies for losses on such properties however Federal funding is to be available for the demolishing of said structures if other disposition cannot be made.

This is super-American and democratic! What patriotic, freedom-loving American doesn't want to seize and destroy the property of innocent people?

The preaching of Islam in Mosques, Schools, and other venues is prohibited. The subject of Islam may be taught in a post high school academic environment provided that instruction include discussion of Islam’s history of violence, conquest, and its ongoing war on democratic and other non-Islamic values.

Well, this doesn't resemble the tactics of Nazis, Stalinists, or radical Islamists at ALL.

The preaching or advocating of Islamic ideals of world domination, destruction of America and democratic institutions, jihad against Judaism, Christianity and other religions, and advocating the implementation of Sharia law shall in all cases be punishable by fines, imprisonment, deportation, and death as proscribed by Congress.

I'll tell you what, I bet the founding fathers are just kicking themselves in Heaven for not having the foresight to include a Constitutional amendment allowing the death penalty for belonging to a different religion.

Muslims will be denied the opportunity to immigrate to the United States.

That way, we can ensure that all the Muslims who aren't radical extremists have to stay where they are and get imprisoned or killed! It's a great plan!

And now, the big finish:

Article IV: Nothing in this amendment shall be construed as authorizing the discrimination against, of violence upon, nor repudiation of the individual rights of those Americans professing to be Muslim.

HA HA HA HA HA, maaaaaan! And people wonder why I find this stuff so goddamn hilarious.

It takes a shocking 10 or 12 posts in the comments section for someone to suggest nuking Mecca. What tolerance! What grace! What the fuck!

Saint of Killers

2007-02-27T09:59:00.000-06:00

Over at Volokh, David Kopel asks us to join him in celebrating St. Gabriel Possenti Day. Gabe is the gun-totin' bigamist wannabe that kill-fetishists want to have declared the patron saint of handgunners. Because, really, who needs to be protected by magical ghosts more than someone wielding a semi-automatic?

Perhaps anticipating the "what the fuck?" reaction, Kopel reminds us that there are all kinds of saints whose purview is killing people, including St. Barbara (ammo mags), St. Adrian of Nicomedia (arms dealers), paratroopers (the Archangel Michael) and Special Forces (St. Philip Neri).

However, reading further, St. Gabe might be better named the patron saint of hysterically violent overreactions to homosexuality:

This was not the only time that Possenti drew a weapon. On one occasion, the young seminarian was taking a walk when a young man came along, and began chatting and walking with Possenti. The conversation was friendly, until they came near a deserted shack, and the stranger tried to lure Possenti inside for a homosexual encounter-—a triple sin in Possenti's eyes, since the sex would be non-marital, homosexual, and a flagrant violation of the seminarian’s vow of celibacy. Apparently afraid that the stranger might attempt to rape him, Possenti drew his hunting knife, which he always carried when walking in the woods, and yelled, "You fiend! If you try to touch me, I'll stick you through." The stranger fled.

That'll learn him! A gun-toting, knife-wielding, hot-tempered, angry homophobe -- surely this is a saint for our times.

How liberals are today

2007-02-27T07:40:00.000-06:00

Like most liberals, I take my cues on how to act from my dark master, Satan.

Ha ha, no! I'm kidding. Really, I take my cues on how to act by the people who are watching me the closest. Just as a wild chimp in the savage jungles doesn't know he's eating a banana until Jane Goodall shows him the notes she made saying so, no good liberal knows what is behind his bizarre, hateful, anti-human behavior until someone at Town Hall explains it. So we periodically check in with the Clown Royal Family, in order to know how we are. Let's see!

- Mark Alexander: liberals like Al Gore even though he is a communist.
- John Kline: liberals want to destroy democracy with their so-called 'unions'.*
- Thomas Sowell: liberals are living in a crazy fantasy world where Clarence Thomas is dumb.
- Janice Shaw Crouch: liberals have created a poisonous culture that makes celebrities shave their own heads.
- David Limbaugh: liberals are gutless, terror-aiding traitors but they won't let us say so.
- Phyllis Schlafly: liberals are trying to get us to pass a wasteful law to prevent violence against women, which is totally unnecessary because American women are protected by the Virgin Mary.
- Douglas MacKinnon: liberals have doomed our country by threatening any politician who dares speak out against Islamofascism.
- Dennis Prager: liberals might sometimes be Jewish, but they're not Jewish enough.

The pursuit of happiness

2007-02-27T07:19:00.000-06:00

A new opinion poll demonstrates how completely "Old Europe" is brainwashed by years of leftist multicultural propaganda. An astonishing 87% of Europeans consider themselves happy, with only Bulgaria -- part of "New Old Europe" and thus semi-aware of their continent's precarious position at the knife-edge of Islamoterrorfascism -- rating themselves as mildly unhappy.

Most incomprehensible of all, 97% of the stalwart Danes rate themselves as happy! For goodness sake, aren't these people reading The Darkies Are Coming? Their very existence is under attack by the dusky hordes! Why, just today, we learn of the Fritter Folk, a praiseworthy and probably-not-at-all white supremacist neo-Nazi organization in Denmark which is bravely giving speeches in front of heroic statues -- speeches which take a bold stand against the gang rapes, baby mutilations, and the inability of kindergarteners to eat pork livers!

WAKE UP, vast majority of Danish citizens! According to this ridiculous, and probably liberally biased, poll, you're more worried about petty nonsense like unemployment, the rising cost of living, and whether or not your hard-earned pensions will disappear than truly important issues like banning the Q'uran! If only you read more crazy right-wing blogs, you wouldn't be "happy", or, as I like to call it, "hurtling head-first towards inevitable cultural suicide".

The Shit

2007-02-26T08:00:00.000-06:00

By giving this post that title, I have proven Dean Barnett's point, which is that liberal bloggers are a bunch of potty-mouths.

The top-rated conservative blogs are Instapundit, Michelle Malkin, Little Green Footballs, Powerline, Captain’s Quarters, Hot Air and our own humble little Hugh Hewitt site. All of these sites eschew a “vivid vocabulary.” I bet you could read all of us for a week and not find a single naughty word on any of our sites.

Yes, indeed! You might find a whole bunch of crazy racism, sexism, and homophobia; you'll almost certainly find totally baseless accusations of anti-Semitism and claims that anyone who votes Democrat is objectively pro-terror; and you more than likely will hear calls for genocide against dark-skinned middle-easterners. There'll probably also be a defense of building concentration camps, a call for poor people to quit whining and get a job, and a comparison of someone who wants to give underpriveleged citizens health care to Joseph Stalin. There is a 100% likelihood that you will read someone typing with one hand about the future destruction by terror nuke of a minor American city and how that will be all the fault of the liberals*.

But you won't see any swearing! Well, unless you read the comments sections, where it takes about three seconds for someone to call Nancy Pelosi a cunt.

*: By the way, surely I'm not the only one who's noticed that conservatives come all over themselves at the thought of getting to blame liberals for the imaginary destruction of a theoretical American city by nonexistent terrorists, but that their reaction to the actual destruction of an actual American city has been muted at best? New Orleans is still a disaster area, but I can't remember the last time a conservative blogger said anything about it, or called for someone to be held responsible, or demanded that it not happen again, or did anything other than bitch about looters and the alleged crime rate upswing in cities with a lot of Katrina evacuees. By their works, etc.

D'Souzaphone Sounds Off

2007-02-26T07:35:00.000-06:00

Dinesh "The Terrorists Were Right" D'Souza wants to know: what really went on at Abu Ghraib?

For one thing, Muslims didn't get mad about the whole torture thing. After all, since they are animals who only understand force, it was quite mild by their standards:

Most Muslims did not view it as a torture story at all. Muslims were not outraged at the interrogation techniques used by the American military, which are quite mild by Arab standards. Moreover, many Muslims realized that the most of the torture scenes in the photographs—the hooded man with his arms outstretched, the prisoner with wires attached to his limbs—were staged.

Note the rigorouly sourced claims that "most" and "many" Muslims weren't outraged by the torture. This is proven by the footnotes, which a careful study reveals there aren't any footnotes. No, the Muslims weren't outraged at beatings, suffocation, humiliation, mistreatment or rape: what really bothered them was the sex stuff, because like most right-thinking people, Muslims hate dirty nasty ucky sex:

The main focus of Islamic disgust was what Muslims perceived as extreme sexual perversion. For many traditional Muslims, Abu Ghraib demonstrated the casualness with which married Americans have affairs, walk out on their spouses, and produce children without bothering to take responsibility for the care of their offspring. In the Muslim view, this perversion is characteristic of American society.

You see, it's not at all that Iraqis were pissed that innocent people were beaten and tortured and had broken light-sticks shoved up their ass! Not at all. What really frosted their Islamic flakes is that the people doing their torture were having unmarried sex and carrying on affairs and bearing children out of wedlock. Which, I mean, you know, that makes perfect sense to me. Whenever someone smears me with dogshit, wraps me up in a mattress, pounds on my kidneys with a rifle butt, and takes photographs of the whole scene to send to his buddies back home, the first thing in the forefront of my mind is, "Is this guy who's torturing me loyal to his spouse? Because if not, I'm going to be very upset."

Of course, if the Iraqis who felt the illicit carryings-on of PFC England and Spec. Granier were representative of the evils of America, they were mistaken:

It reflected the sexual immodesty of liberal America. Lynndie England and Charles Graner were two wretched individuals from Red America who were trying to act out the fantasies of Blue America. Casting aside all traditional notions of decency, propriety and morality, they simply lived by the code of self-fulfillment. If it feels good, it must be right. This was bohemianism, West Virginia-style.

You see, even though England and Granier were red-state Republicans, they had somehow been brainwashed into adopting liberal blue-state values (extramarital affairs, sexual promiscuity and unwanted pregnancy being completely unknown in conservative circles). If not for the insidious influence of the cultural left, it would not have occurred to two Appalachian-Americans to have sex with one another, and the horrors of Abu Ghraib would never have taken place!

This is why we must not minimize what went on there; it was a terrible, unforgivable thing. But we must make sure that we blame the right people: not the soldiers who actually did it, or the military that allowed it to happen and then covered it up, or the government that failed to address it, or the pundits who made excuses for it, but the liberals:

In minimizing Abu Ghraib, some conservatives became cheap apologists for liberal debauchery.

It takes a lot of stones to claim that Abu Ghraib is the responsibility of the liberal left, but that's why Dinesh is a superstar.

It's a Doug's Doug's Doug's Doug's World

2007-02-26T07:05:00.000-06:00

We haven't checked in on Doug Giles in a few weeks, and it seems that in the meantime, he's gone from worrying that his daughters might marry a Negro to someone might mistake him for a fruit.

But not to worry! Doug is a man's man -- possibly even a man's man's man -- but that doesn't mean he's a, er, man's man. In fact, he has ten simple rules so that "you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit". Doug, you see, doesn't understand the homo mind. He doesn't understand why gay men don't like women, when they want to be women; and, in a seeming contradiction that nonetheless is right at home in his meaty brain, he doesn't understand why, if lesbians like women, they behave like men. He also, in a choice that may be more revealing than he intends, expresses a desire that gay men emulate ruff-trade leatherboy Rob Halford instead of "Jay Alexander"* But he's willing to meet the queers halfway, and has compiled a list of ten things to know about the straight man.

1. We can clean up real good.

2. That said, we don't want clean fingernails or fruity hairdos.

3. Also, Vespas are for girls and "Harley's" are for boys.

4. Little dogs are definitely fruity.

5. All straight men enjoy cavorting in the glory of a steaming pile of animal intestines.

6. Real men do not use Chap-Stik.

7. "We like boots not flip flops." (I think Doug here is confusing gay men with elderly Floridians.)

8. Real men do not like Celine Dion, especially "for the eight time". However, they are apparently powerless to change the channel when she is on.

9. We like tits.

10. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Isn't that funny? He just thought of it.

*: Presumably, Doug means ANTM's J. Alexander, and not this guy.

Early mornin' Jew-hatin'

2007-02-22T08:07:00.000-06:00

Normally, I eschew simple links to poli-bloggers more popular than myself (i.e., all of them), because it feels too much like whoring, which I already do too much of at my day job as a prostitute. I prefer to provide original content, because, well, I'm just so fucking funny.

But no amount of my funny can compete with this post from the Poor Man, where he is attacked as a deranged anti-Semite by "What Would Charles Martel Do?"*, one of the less noticeable Exterminate-the-Brutes blogs. You really must take a look at how this unhinged, self-impressed Warhammer enthusiast goes sickhouse on one of my fellow jolly jokesters, accusing him of Alfred-Rosenberg-style Jew-hatred while claiming that his own hysterical fear of and revulsion towards Muslims is in fact "making a stand FOR TOLERANCE".

Oh, and speaking of making a stand for tolerance, what if I were to tell you that Chuckles Johnson is so blinded by his hatred of Arabs that he can't understand the most obvious sarcasm in political cartoons and completely misses who's being mocked in a one-panel strip that a dull eleven-year-old would be able to understand? You'd believe it? Me too.

*: Probably say something like "Aieeee! Giant metal bug!", or stare blankly at a Coca-Cola billboard, or cry when someone made fun of how his father was named "Pippin the Middle", or something. Maybe get a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, I dunno.

And the Oscar goes to..."Enter the Shrimper"!

2007-02-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

Today's winner of the "Article Whose Entire Premise is Refuted By Its Very Existence" award is: Dick Morris!

Space-Stalin attacks!

2007-02-22T07:49:00.000-06:00

In the "things I am going to start worrying about the minute every other problem in the world is completely resolved" department, Professor Poopypants draws our attention to the growing menace of "a vast socialist empire in space". I'm pretty sure that we need to focus on establishing individual property rights on the moon just about as much as we need to focus on establishing proper voting rights for tigers.

Thank God that's over with

2007-02-21T08:24:00.000-06:00

After his terrifying brush with the unpleasant General Odom, who failed to appreciate his position on the front lines of terror, Hooty Hoo makes a stunning recovery by sitting down with Milosevic enthusiast Mark Time, who isn't going to do anything crazy like disagree with him or challenge his basic assumptions.

In case you don't have time to read the whole transcript, here's a précis:

HUGH HEWITT: Can you believe that general guy? He didn't know anything about the 12th Imam.

MARK STEYN: It's as if he thinks the lunatic opinions of a handful of religious fanatics are of marginal importance to our foreign policy and international strategic goals!

HUGH HEWITT: He didn't even know who Sayed Qutub was. I have to question his very competence to carry on an adult conversation if he can't identify a man who's been dead for forty years and might have been an influence on the nutty ideas of Osama bin-Laden. That would be like trying to fight the Nazis in WII without having read the complete works of the Comte de Gobineau!

MARK STEYN: How dare he try and make suggestions for global policy that are not contingent on hysterical fretting over obscure Islamist theology!

HUGH HEWITT: Clearly, he is just an ignorant Lieutenant-General in the US Army who was head of military intelligence, a former director of the National Security Agency, and a veteran of three foreign wars, and he lacks the kind of knowledge and insight that you, a Canadian former disc jockey and expert on musical theatre, and I, a prominent blogger and former overseer of the Nixon Museum, possess.

MARK STEYN: Well, that bad man is gone now, Hugh, and I'm here. Can we go back to talking about how the only way to stop the Islamist menace is through calculated genocide?

HUGH HEWITT: We sure can, Mark. We sure can.

Counterpoint: homos are gross

2007-02-21T07:58:00.000-06:00

The Medfly doesn't want to seem like some sort of a deranged, homophobic asshole like Tim Hardaway, but he has to admit: queers are pretty yucky.

You can tell early on that the Medfly is going to bust some crazy science on us:

In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks. The analogy is ridiculous, of course. There is no rational basis for discomfort at playing with athletes of another race since science and experience show that human racial differences remain insignificant. The much better analogy for discomfort at gay teammates involves the widespread (and generally accepted) idea that women and men shouldn’t share locker rooms.

You see, science has shown us that being creeped out at hanging around with blacks is not rational -- but being creeped out at hanging around with gays? That's perfectly in line with human nature! Science and rationality totally support homophobia! IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE

Making gay males unwelcome in the intimate circumstances of an NBA team makes just as much sense as making straight males unwelcome in the showers for a women’s team at the WNBA. Most female athletes would prefer not to shower together with men not because they hate males (though some of them no doubt do), but because they hope to avoid the tension, distraction and complication that prove inevitable when issues of sexual attraction (and even arousal) intrude into the arena of competitive sports.

Regarding the cute little jab at the man-hating lesbians of the WNBA, the Medfly seems confused. If there are a bunch of dykes in the WNBA, wouldn't the sexual tension come from showering with other women? Also, I'm not sure if he's aware of this, but there are male locker room reporters in the WNBA, but like the male locker room reporters in the regular NBA, they do not actually shower with the athletes.

But wait! The Medfly is about to reach the zenith of dumb. Let's watch!

Tim Hardaway (and most of his former NBA teammates) wouldn’t welcome openly gay players into the locker room any more than they’d welcome profoundly unattractive, morbidly obese women. I specify unattractive females because if a young lady is attractive (or, even better, downright “hot”) most guys, very much including the notorious love machines of the National Basketball Association, would probably welcome her joining their showers. The ill-favored, grossly overweight female is the right counterpart to a gay male because, like the homosexual, she causes discomfort due to the fact that attraction can only operate in one direction. She might well feel drawn to the straight guys with whom she’s grouped, while they feel downright repulsed at the very idea of sex with her.

RESOLVED:

- Homos are gross
- They're kinda like fat ugly broads
- In that no one wants to fuck them
- NBA players are like dogs that are constantly in rut
- So they would really get off on showering with hot chicks
- But not fat ugly gross ones
- Which is what homos are like (see Point 2)
- Unlike the roguish heteros of the NBA, there is nothing charming about the sexual desires of disgusting fat ladies or queers
- And decent people should not be exposed to anything like that
- Therefore, Tim Hardaway is right

The Medfly, ladies and gentlemen. Solving all our problems...with SCIENCE!

Town Hall Crapdate

2007-02-21T07:41:00.000-06:00

Things are a bit slow at the gas station, but Town Hall is always working overtime!

Paul Greenberg writes a spirited defense of plagiarism, saying that when he does it, it's cute.

Frank Gaffney shows an admirable consistency by insisting that dirty vicious Muslims have no place on the right, either.

Janice Shaw Crouse, Town Hall's resident "oh my goodness" expert, decries our permissive society, what with its salacious airplane-toilet sex-having. Can't something be done?

Brent "Walter Peck" Bozell, who, like most conservatives, knows that Paul Ehrlich's The Population Bomb turned out to be inaccurate, reminds us that because someone was once wrong about something, we should never, ever listen to scientists ever again.

Little Benny Shapiro notes that Muslims are worse than asteroids, and people from other countries are no good.

Dummytude Watch

2007-02-19T19:27:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the ever-alert Baron Zemo over at The Darkies Are Coming, we now know that Muslims are building shacks in rural Georgia. Mysterious shacks. Mysterious shacks with oddly colored roofs. Thanks to this brave hero and his comrades in the Christian Action Network, whatever that is, who actually took to the skies in a stunningly good use of their money and time, America may yet survive the deadly tanning sheds and smokehouses of these sinister Musselmen.

And they're not just any Muslims. They're Negroes!

Oh, boy!

2007-02-19T14:26:00.000-06:00

Via LGM, it appears that everyone's favorite Bluto-intellectual, Victor Davis Hanson, is writing a novel!

Well, it's about time, is all I can say. America has surely been crying out for a novel about the great march of the Boiotians under Epaminodas to liberate the Messinian helots, and soon it will have one! If the excerpts are any indication, this thing's gonna be dynamite:

The great victory over the Spartans at Leuktra is a year past. It’s now winter, and the Boiotians are still debating whether to take the war home to Sparta. After hearing the Athenian Kallistratos and his Boiotian ally Eteokles damn the notion of a katabasis southward, the general Epaminondas addresses and wins over the assembly to march out the next day.

Wow, COMPELLING! Way to set the scene, Vic. Now, hit us with some narrative.

No one was quite sure what would next follow. No one in memory had voted to march so far for so long—and for so many others. An eerie silence followed. Would harsh Reason goad them back, back to blame others for the vote?

I DON'T KNOW! But I can't wait to find out! You never know what's going to happen with that crazy harsh Reason, and its goading!

Then Melon for the first time noticed that the old sophist Alkidamas of all people, the wine-soaked has-been of the symposia, not the Boiotarchs or once again Pelopidas, was approaching the bema.

No! No fucking way! Not Melon! Surely it's a Boiotarch. NOT MELON!!!1! Totally get that guy away from the bema!

As the assembly of the Boiotians broke up, the white-haired Alkidamas lumbered over to Melon and slapped him lightly across the face, “I think I have the beginning of a real speech some day from these words that suddenly flew into my head. Such a wild daimon came into me—it was as if the one god of ours were wagging my tongue. Still is it seems.”

That...is some A-#1 dialogue. No wonder he is the leading light of neo-conservative smartitude! I cannot wait for the release of this amazing work of fiction.

Vic also has some pointed questions for his audience today:

If one were to substitute “Muslim” for “Christian” in the rants of the Edwards bloggers, would there have been any hesitation about firing them?

That's an interesting question, Vic! I bet the continued employment of Charles Johnson, your co-columnist at Big Boy Jammies, might help answer it.

If Austrian sniper rifles really were recently sold to Iran, brought into Iraq, and used to kill Americans., what would Europeans think if American sniper weaponry were sold, under our government’s auspices, to those supplying the Basque separatists to kill Spaniards?

Uh...there's no "if" about it, Vic. The United States is the biggest arms supplier in the world and has been for decades, and has supplied arms to a number of terror organizations all over the world, and to State-Department-certified 'undemocratic states' and human rights abusers like Pakistan, Colombia, Ethiopia, Chad and Angola. People who are against these sorts of deals, unlike you, are generally opposed to the proliferation of violence in general rather than just trying to score ideological I-told-you-so points.

Hamas and Fatah have different uniforms. They have two conflicting ideologies and clear antithetical agendas. And now they are killing one another. Why is this not a “civil war,” but the senseless sectarian violence in Iraq is?

Hmmm. A stumper! I can't think of one single answer to this one! Possibly because there are many answers! Like:

- Neither Hamas nor Fatah have official uniforms

- While their ideological agendas are different in some ways, they are similar in many others

- Neither is a state actor, and the area in which they are fighting is not a recognized nation, thus disqualifying any conflict between them as a civil war on its face

- The phrase "civil war" has an actual meaning and isn't just some bullshit thing that people say, and the Hamas/Fatah conflict doesn't even remotely meet any of the standards for a civil war

- You're an idiot and nothing about your question makes any sense

It's Mr. President Man's Day!

2007-02-19T11:13:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's President's Day, and in celebration of the great men who labored so tirelessly to make this country succeed, I get the day off work. But Mr. President Man never takes the day off; even when the rest of us are eating pizza fingers and drinking Mai Tais, he is scrambling to prove that his administration has made many worse mistakes than invading Iraq.

I thought, since I don't have to work today, this might be a good time to look back at how Mr. President Man is doing. After all, he'll be the one whose birthday we're celebrating one day!

1. MARS WATCH: Still not on Mars. But workin' on it! What else are we gonna do with all that money?

2. SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM: Still not reformed. But totally workin' on it! Look out, America! Anyway, the economy is fine. Who needs Social Security anyway?

3. DEATH TAX REPEAL: Whoops, hit a little snag there. But hopefully it won't be long before this terrible burden is lifted off the backs of our hardest-working Americans.

4. WAR ON TERROR: Hey, this is a pretty big one, right? Still, it's really not going as well as it might. But he's really talking tough about it, so start expecting results any day now!

5. BANNING HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS: Now we're talking! Werewolf attacks are at an all-time low, and we may have no idea where Bin-Laden is, but at leasts arrests are being made. Way to go, Mr. President Man!

Elsewhere at the gas station...

2007-02-16T08:12:00.000-06:00

The Man from Fuddles writes a love letter to Big Petroleum, Janet Shaw Crouse defends virginity by comparing sex to an elephant, Mona Charen places the blame for the fall of the Twin Towers on rap music, hotel porn, Britney Spears and Two and a Half Men, and John Hawkins, the bull-necked dingaling who is rapidly becoming the pride of Town Hall, gives the ol' Stabbed-in-the-Back-Mobile another spin around the block.

Poor little naughty girl

2007-02-16T07:35:00.000-06:00

Via the ever-sassy Bradley No, we learn that the Naughty Girl (who, yesterday, was creaming her jeans about Professor Poopypants' revelation that hard-rockin' superstars Five for Fighting are fans of right-wing Bluto-intellectual Viktor Davis Hanson) has received an adoring mash note from the Washington Post's Howard Kurtz. Sure, dear readers, you might think Michelle Malkin is a horrible, despicable human being who makes her living mau-mauing anyone whose politics are even at slight variance with her own, but in fact, she is a lonely, sad little girl who has had to suffer deprivations and persecutions that you are probably totally incapable of understanding. Why, just look at what the poor thing has had to live through!

Michelle Malkin has seen her head electronically grafted onto a photo of a bikini-clad body.

OH NOES! That's as bad as being imprisoned in a Japanese-American internment camp! Luckily, our little trouper has been able to ease her pain by constantly using Photoshop mockery of her own on her Hot Air v-casts.

She had to cancel a Berkeley book signing in the face of 200 shouting protesters.

OH NOES! Protestors? Against Michelle Malkin? What is this world coming to? Lousy democracy!

YouTube banned one of her videos.

OH NOES! YouTube banning one of your videos is a thousand times worse than the Siberian gulags, Sobibor and the Black Hole of Calcutta put together!

And she felt compelled to move after critics posted online her Gaithersburg area address and pictures of her home.

OH NOES! Of course, this only happened as retaliation for Malkin having published the address, phone number and contact information of some college students whose viewpoints she disagreed with (and which resulted in dozens of death threats from her readers to the students), but that's beside the point! No matter how many times the Naughty Girl uses other peoples' personal information as part of an ideological attack plan, no matter how many times her own readers make death threats against the people she declares the enemy, no matter even if her actions might have actually exacerbated the conditions that led to someone's suicide or actually leads to domestic terrorism, the important thing to remember is, it's not her fault, and using her own techniques against her is absolutely beyond the pale.

Malkin tells it like it is: all the attacks on her are really about racism.

"Particularly when you're a minority conservative," she says, "you get a lot of ugly, hysterical, unhinged attacks, because you're challenging so many liberal myths about what people of color should think."

True enough, some people do believe the myth that people of color shouldn't be virulent racists, that Asian-Americans shouldn't write books defending Japanese-American internment camps, and that "anchor baby" daughters of immigrants shouldn't be so quick to constantly condemn immigrants who have "anchor babies". But that doesn't excuse the fact that one out of a hundred comments on liberal blogs sometimes call her a "gook" or a "slanty"; that's the sort of unspeakable vileness that you never see in right-wing blogs, and certainly never on Michelle's own website.

After a few liberal sites posted her home address and phone numbers last year, Malkin received a wave of harassing calls. She responded with a defiant post, headlined "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU." Malkin and her family have moved elsewhere in Maryland.

"No one likes to receive the kind of attacks she gets," [Malkin's business partner] Preston says. "She has had to take some security precautions to make sure it doesn't rise to the level of threatening her family."

Moving to a different house might seem like the actions of someone who is afraid, but in reality, she was just taking precautions against the possibilty that someday someone will threaten her family, which hasn't happened yet, but you never know.

"You have to accept that you'll never have many friends," Malkin says. "It's a lonely existence."

FEEL SORRY FOR HER, READERS. I COMMAND IT.

Be my neo-con Valentine

2007-02-15T08:08:00.000-06:00

You know, there's more to the National Review than just Jonah Goldberg and the Corner Boys making Star Trek references. They have their romantic side, too, and they celebrated Valentine's Day by writing adorably goopy love letters to their favorite politicos.

It's always hard to judge someone's sincere declaration of love; ranking one honest, heartfelt expression of feelings against another seems almost cruel. So how can we say what's best? How can we say that Andrew Breitbart's mash note to shrill lesbian anti-feminist Tammy Bruce is better or worse than Lucianne Goldberg's adoration of Margaret Thatcher for her unparalleled ability to wear a hat? (No, really. Go look.) Bridget Johnson gets all wet at the thought of "sexy" Israeli ambassador Dan Gillerman, and Kathryn Jean Lopez finds her heart aflutter at the thought of shithouse-rat-crazy ex-Senator Bob Dornan. (They don't let Jonah play, because he just says "Seven of Nine" every time.)

The reprehensible Maggie Thatcher is, indeed, the most adored (though not always for her hat-wearing skills), with Ronald Reagan a close second, but Rudy Giuliani is a strong candidate for neo-con love. Midge (Mrs. Norman Podhoretz) Decter singles him out for his Negro-hiding skills:

Practically every New Yorker over the age of 17 knows from his own experience that [before Giuliani] our city had become a dirty, dangerous, and depressed place, with criminals and beggars vying for pride of place in its streets

But the best of all comes from pudding-sweet Danielle Crittenden, who likewise admires Rudy's courageous stance in locking up homeless people, and expresses in rhyme her love of the only man who can stand up to the Democrats who are doing such a lousy job of protecting the Kurds:

You may not be pro-life enough
for the religious right;
You may come on too mean and tough
to please every girl in sight;

While it's true your past is shady
And could spoil photo-ops;
(What with Bernie, the ex-first lady,
And that Louima stuff with the cops...)

I can't help feeling you're the man
with whom to spend the next two terms;
You're a butt-kicking Yankee fan
Who's got no time for worms.

A man who's locked out Arafat
And thrown vagrants into prison
Won't cringe before a Democrat
Or allow Iran nuclear fission.

We need you to beat Obama
Whose grand evasive words
Won't find and kill Osama
Or protect Israel, or the Kurds.

That's why I’ll board the Rudy bus
'Cause in politics as in love
Courage is what carries us
When push comes down to shove.

AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW.

Iran, So Far Away

2007-02-15T07:42:00.000-06:00

But not so far away that we shouldn't invade it! Come on, this is a great idea and everybody knows it. Of course, Mr. President Man says we aren't going to do it and that his only goal is to protect our troops, but then again, he managed to protect them twice before by ordering them to invade a country that hadn't attacked us. I mean, really, he is protecting the motherfucking shit out of our troops. As always, we should listen to the cave bear grunts issuing forth from the trachea of Dick Cheney to know what our real plans are: to make a nice, tidy little line-up of Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan. No one likes to start on a collection and end up missing one piece! Just ask our well-protected troops, many of whom are now themselves missing pieces: they sure don't like it!