Wise Words From Knox Pooley

Fred Dalton Thompson: "What do you think America would do if Canadian soldiers were firing dozens of missiles every day into Buffalo, N.Y.? What do you think our response would be if Mexican troops for two years had launched daily rocket attacks on San Diego -- and bragged about it?"

Gee, Fred, I don't know! What do you think America would do if Canada occupied all of New England and killed thousands of Americans every year? What do you think our response would be if Mexican troops for 57 years had kicked San Diegans out of their homes, imprisoned them, put them in camps, denied them the ability to work or get an education, forbid them to vote, and subjected them to constant martial law -- and then told anyone who complained to get bent? Just asking.

What's new in Fuddles?

Let's see:

- Jimbo is "mostly full of meat". He doesn't say what the other thing he's full of is, but I think we can guess.

- Jimbo gets a zinger over on Michael Moore; the filmmaker -- who have we mentioned is fat? -- wants to get rid of privatized health insurance, so Lileks says, oh yeah? How about we also get rid of completion bonds for motion pictures, smart guy? HO HO HO not so clever now are we. But you know what? I bet Moore would make that deal in a second.

- Jimbo once again (sort of) confronts the plague of rude teenagers that so harry our semi-urban areas. Lileks, who is to a tough guy what a squirt gun is to a Magnum, says that he knows he filled the young lout with anger and shame, because "I read him in a second". We can only hope that someday Jimbo does not have to read the writing on the knuckles of some hoodlum in even less time.

History, Schmistory!

Over at Butt Propulsion Laboratories, Chuckles Hindraker endorses an approach to immigration similar to that of the founders on slavery. Which was, essentially, to whistle a wee jolly tune and say oh look there is not the foliage in our fair capitol radiant at this time of the year. It's an attitude that produced one of our most memorable presidents, plus of course it worked out super-well in the end.

Come on, guys. Three degrees from Dartmouth and one each from Harvard, Stanford and UMinn, and this is the best you can do?

Her point, and she does have one...oh, no, wait, she doesn't

The Naughty Girl, with the kind of stunning Malkinacious point-missing that can only be rivalled by her utter hypocrisy, gives the AP what fer. Noting some of that legendary liberal media bias in a wire report claiming that the GOP candidates for president number very few women and no blacks among their advisors, Michelle hits back with a devastating one-two multimedia barrage, in which she decisively proves that the board of the Associated Press, which is not running for President, sports only four women and one black! Take that, mainstream media!

Selected readings from the crankocracy

Butt Propulsion Laboratories: When conservatives say "support the troops", what we mean is, you know, help them win the war. Not actually support them or get them medical care or wimpy stuff like that.

Fuddles, MN: The world would be a much better place if it was just like Disneyland. Unless the government ran it, in which case it would be a dystopian nightmare.

Dean Dean the Ranting Machine: If only there were a candidate who could deftly speak of his love for Dale Earnhardt and George Strat! Now there would be a man eminently suited to lead our nation.

The Human Steyn: For some reason, Americans are not doing everything possible to support the war against Iraq or Terror or whatever it is we're supposed to be fighting.

Naughty Girl: ABC News totally ripped off a story that I did a year ago and passed it off as their own scoop! Of course, I do that all the time, but when we in the "New Media" do it, it's cute!

Get a Job

Horror of horrors! The Man from Fuddles, who once hit the financial skids so hard when his wife was temporarily between high-paying corporate lawyer gigs that he was forced to dismiss the scullery maid who tended to his woodwork, has lost his job!

Well, okay, not really. What has actually happened is that Lileks, who is lucky enough to have had a cushy gig as a daily humor columnist in an age of belt-tightening for the newspaper business, has been told, basically, to shit (that is, do some actual work to justify your massive salary) or get off the pot (that is, find employment elsewhere). Is the Strib trying to get Jimbo to quit his job? Almost certainly, say people who have been in the same position; in a lean business, you have to do something to make the fattest employees earn their salaries. For most people, this would probably be a good thing -- after all, all Jimbo has to do is drop the folksy homilies and start cranking out the rag-bashing in quantity and he'll be on the Scaife gravy train for life. And it's not as if some horrible injustice has taken place; he wasn't censored, or fired for his ethnic origin, or accused unjustly of sexual harrassment, or framed for a crime he didn't commit. He's merely been shunted to a job he's too picky to do in an attempt to unload his massive salary. It happens to millions of people ever year, and you never hear boosters of our fabulous capitalist system say boo about it.

Except, of course, when it happens to one of their own. Horrified at the prospect of a fellow ideologue actually having to earn a living in a competitive job marked like the rest of the rabble, the Northern Alliance of Greater Wingnuttia has gone berserk, rallying around the fallen hero who has been tragically forced to do his job. Accusations of liberal treachery are all around; commands are being issued to Missourians and Californians to cancel their subscriptions to a newspaper based in Minnesota. As far as I know, no one has yet managed to detect the blood-soaked hand of al-Q'aeda in all of this, but over at Hooty Hoo's, there are serious accusations that the treacherous Jew Soros has conspired to buy off the free press so as to silence the brave voice of James Lileks. Without his massive salary, the terrorists will no longer have to fear the scanning of old postcards and the tut-tutting about insufficiently deferential Target clerks!

Would that all of us were lucky enough to have such friends in high places. More than once, that ol' invisible hand of the marketplace has pushed me out on the street and into the unemployment line, and never was Hugh Hewitt there to make sure I bounced back better than ever. Now that's what I call welfare! To Lileks' credit, he has the good grace to be ashamed of all this.

Well, almost.

I didn't even know vodka came in gum form

What is censorship? Some would say that censorship is when a privately owned company, responding to complaints from its customers, disallows use of its services. Others would argue that's not censorship at all. And there are those, known throughout the far reaches of the internet for their shameless hypocrisy, who decry that sort of behavior one minute and then immediately turn right around and and praise it.

But we're not here to call Michelle Malkin a base, unprincipled charlatan. At least not right now. We're here to deliver on the most unique service this blog provides: word-for-word translations of the drunken ramblings of Pamela Geller Oshry Finkel Trump McChicken, proprietrix of the "Atlas Shrugs" blog. This is a service we provide because we believe it is necessary to expose as many people as possible to the vital insights of this important thinker, and there are those who find it difficult to understand what she is saying in her video blogs due to the high concentrations of Captain Morgan's and ladyfingers she must ingest thanks to her unique metabolism. This service – which no other website, even Crazy Pammy's, can offer – is more necessary than ever, due to a concentration of evil jihadi terrorists who have conspired to have her v-logs taken off YouTube, knowing that it is only the inebriated, disjointed gibberings of a Long Island housewife that stands between civilization and chaos. Let's see what dire fate Pam warns us against today in her most explosive flatulation yet!

[Pam stands in front of a mirror, looking a bit puffy and with some gin blossoms blooming around her cheeks, a sure sign of the loveliness of encroaching spring. She holds up a digital camera and begins to impart her wisdom upon us, only slightly blunted by the huge wad of chaw she seems to have in her mouth.]

Hey! I know what you're saying – what are you doing, Atlas? I'm doing a vlog and I got nobody to film it. So this is an experiment. Are we loving it? I am! Um…going…I'm backing away from the computer tonight. You got a beautiful open thread there, with ze French girl, yah. She's not wearing the char-dor, so you know she's retro. I'm backing away from the keyboard, because I can't take it anymore.

A stream of decontextualized photos of soldiers, imams, and destruction appears on the screen, followed by the caption "FLIPPING THE BIRD TO THE PRESS".

Oh, wait a minute. Did you love Hillary saying the war on terror is not a partisan issue?

A photo of Bill Clinton with an attractive woman appears on screen, to remind us that Bill Clinton cheated on his wife and therefore nothing he or anyone associated with him ever says should be believed.

The war on terror is not a partisan issue? You made it the complete partisan issue. Pulling outta Iraq, you made a partisan issue. Not fighting the jihad, you made a partisan issue. The mainstream media, your tool.

A photo of several news magazines, including the liberally biased MacWorld, appears on screen, followed by a picture of Rosie O'Donnell making a funny face.

Your propaganda tool, made it a propa…uh…a partisan issue. Your inability to say that A is A, that…your, uh, is, Islam in America, plotting the jihad, and we're not allowed to say it. We're not allowed to names, if it's a lone jihadi. We're not allowed to say it.

A photo of Cho Seung-Hui, who no one on the planet but Crazy Pammy thinks was a Muslim, appears on screen before we return to Pam herself, still chewing her cud.

Who made the war on terror a partisan issue? You made the war on terror a partisan issue. They are voting…Pelosi's meeting with Assad.

A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with Assad appears on screen, just as if it proved something

She wants to meet with Ahmadinahitler.

A photo of Holocaust victims appears on screen.

I'm gonna throw my head back tonight. I'm not gonna think about it! 'Cause you know what? I'm just giving you the blow-by-blow, ladies and gentlemen.

A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with, I dunno, Stalin or somebody appears on screen.

They're voting to withdraw to a, a specific date. Why don't you just hand the keys to the White House to Osama? Osama, who today said he was responsible for the bombing that, uh, almost knocked off Cheney? I can just see the lefty liberals, going "Yeah, yeah! Knock off our vice-president!" You dumb shits. Um…how could you not say you're not, um, on the side of terror? How could you not say you're, um, not on the side of the terrorists? You're rooting for Cheney's death. Just look at the PuffHo. Just look at all those posts on the Kos kids. You're rooting to destroy our leadership that we sent, duly elected…"No you didn't! He didn't really get, get in there! He wasn't dul…" Oh, shut up. He did so! He did! Now let's be honest, with all those registered illegals and those dead Democrats, who really is stealing elections? We won't go there, because the Republicans are so much better than that. So much stupider than that.

Um…they're firing rockets into Israel. Have you heard about that? Yeah, I didn't think so. I think…I would do this so you could see how I do a vlog. This is the machine, it's a Sony Shiber…CyberShot. Sony, I want some props! I want some checks! Yeah, send 'em my way! This does it all. This takes the pictures when I go to events, this records it, this does everything. Um, yeah, so there we are, watching the disintegration of the system…the American system…the greatest political system in the history of man; capitalism, the kindest, most humane system in the history of man; the Constitution, the greatest document ever written in the history of man; you're seeing it in your lifetime, ripped to shreds. Ripped to shreds. And do you remember those newsreels they used to show before WWII in the movie theatre, and they would show the marching Nazis and the goosestepping, and the people getting ready in Britain? Well, when they were…when they reflect back in a hundred years, if the jihad allows such technology or such in…you know, uh, when they're inside these little tunnels where they'll be sneaking, the war videos of our pre-war years will be Anna Nicole Smith, Scott Peterson, and, uh, whatever really tacky, tawdry crime of the day was. That's what we are, America.

So I'm outta here! Gonna put on…fix my lipstick, looking in a mirror as I do this vlog I see what I need to do – and, uh, I'll be back at it tomorrow. See ya.

The Constitution, whose fundamentals Pam often calls for ignoring when it is ideologically advantageous, appears on the screen.

Around the Corn

I haven't been around much lately, because I have work to do that people pay me for and the ol' Scaife checks aren't rolling in like they used to when I made my living telling people that Hugo Chavez was a gay terror commie. I note with great interest that the Naughty Girl, in between noticing that political leaders sometimes visit foreign countries, has developed an entertaining conspiracy theory involving megapowerful global dictator Harry Reid's sinister attempt to silence the military, none of whom are able to contact the outside world except with blogs. The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler has jumped all over the utterly meaningless Akon non-controversy, and in doing so, becomes only the eighty millionth person in thirty years to make the high-larious observation that it's not RAP music, it's CRAP music! Professor Poopypants is so intrigued by second-rate Harry Turtledove fanfic that he will even forgive communism, and the Flower of Christian Womanhood asks if, maybe, possibly, since he hasn't been president for seven years and all, it might conceivably be time to stop blaming Bill Clinton for everything bad that ever happens. (She arrives at the answer "no".)

But most important of all, Baron Davis over at The Darkies Are Coming has finally announced that, for only a buck fifty American, you too can wear your prejudice, racism, and mindless fear RIGHT THERE ON THE FRONT OF YOUR HAT! Or whatever! Watch for his "I'm not too sure about black people, either", "White Danish Pride 4 Ever", and "Homos make me feel icky and uncomfortable, and I'm okay with that" series, coming soon.

These Kids Today, Vol. 946

We haven't checked in with the Man From Fuddles in a while, but you don't really have to read his column to know what's going on up there. If yesterday featured him bristling at the thought that Minnesota houses an ideological gasbag more capacious than himself, today must mean it's time for those damn dirty teenagers.

THESE KIDS TODAY:

A couple of students walked past, and I silently counted to see how long it would be take before someone deployed the Effenheimer, or the dreaded Mother Effenheimer. Three seconds. I’m not in favor of having nuns patrol with nail-studded two-by-fours, but on the other hand, I am. Or least some authority figure around which the Youts would feel compelled to display a civil tongue. I was talking with one of the neighbors at the bus stop; she’d been to the school last week, and one of the students hit on her.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN:

My child is not going there.

WHY WHEN I WAS A BOY:

It made me recall my own high school experience, of course; can't rub against a particle of modernity without scurrying back to Norman Rockwell-land, where I can safely shake my fist and make hooting bluster-monkey sounds. But. It was different, and it wasn't that long ago. We had a few ruffians, but they confined their anti-social behavior to smoking between classes, talking too loudly in the cafeteria, and slumping in the back row of English class and drawing skulls on their jeans. The idea that anyone would have shouted MOTHERFARKER in the hallways was unthinkable, and I suppose this makes me sound very old. But there’s no good reason we had to concede that particle of decorum.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I THINK:

I imagine that the school’s staff has bigger things to deal with, but I suspect that some of the larger issues of behavior could be made a tad more manageable by addressing the smaller issues. Just a thought from an amateur.

Yes, James. That would make it all better. Civility; propriety; a sternly enforced ban on cursing and problems like poverty, institutional dysfunction, violence, miseducation and bad parenting would all wither on the vine. We know. We know.

Tough Talk from Tintype Terrier

The rumors that I have been slumming around at Sadly, No! are, happily, true. But that doesn't mean I'll leave you hanging here at CCS, oh no! The monkey gas station is up and running, thanks, and that means there's plenty of stupid to share with you and more than enough dumb to go around.

Let's take, for example, the case of the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. Named for some variety of "white dog", this is an animal who revels in its own rabidity; but its most distinctive characteristic, which it shares with so many other right-winged birds, is its flabby, impotent passion for phony tough talk.

"Filed under: Verbal Bitch Slaps", says the liberal-chewing Chihuahua, congratulating himself because he knows no one else will do it. The internet is not usually thought of as a verbal medium, but why pick nits off a dog's fur when it's only going to bite you for your troubles?

The post is meant to be a rebuke to the idea that gun control will prevent gun violence, but it degenerates after the very first sentence into basement-borne RPG*-enthusiast machospeak:

Here’s something I’d like to tell you, even though it’ll probably make you wet your rubber sheets: If I were insane enough to want to kill you, I wouldn’t need a gun

MOMMY! THE INTERNET MAN IS SCARING ME! HE SAID HE COULD KILL ME WITH A SPORK AND A SUGAR PACKET BECAUSE OF HIS MAIL ORDER NINJA TRAINING

(even though I know for a fact, from personal experience, that I could get one no matter how many idiotic “gun control laws” you choose to enact)

He learned magic firearms acquisition skills in the same Marine Corps correspondence course where he learned to kill people using only his right thumb and a high-speed internet router.

I’m perfectly capable of murdering you with anything down to and including my own hands. It’s not all that hard, really, I can assure you of that.

Spoken like an actual murderer! Or a anonymous shitbag who reads too many Mack Bolan paperbacks.

The thing is, without gun control I don’t know if you have a gun to stop me from doing so. What that means is that everything I’ve ever learned about killing people can be canceled out by an 83-year-old grandma with a pistol. All she has to do is to point and pull the trigger, and everything I know about killing her, which is quite a lot, will be useless because I’ll be dead, and it doesn’t take much training and even less physical strength for her to do that.

Attitudes like this (it requires no training or strength to shoot a gun!) totally have nothing to do with the vast numbers of "accidental" gun deaths we have in America, but I do like how this sick puppy managed to work in yet another reference to how much he knows about killing people. He can't be bothered to follow through his own premises -- why would a psychotic murderer who can kill people in hundreds of ways be steered away from a victim just on the off chance that they might have a gun? -- but my guess is that he's actually 15 years old, so I'm probably holding him to far too high a standard.

Then again, that's, like 83 in dog years...

Ukrainiac

Hello, legions of fans! Did you miss me? I know I missed myself!

Seattle was pantloads of fun, but I'm afraid four days of exposure to hardcore music geekery left me somewhat out of the loop, current-events-wise. I did take a few moments to discover that Crazy Pammy at Atlas Shrugs deletes comments she can't think of a good response to, but beyond that, I have only word-of-mouth about what America's crazy-thinkers have been up to the last week or so. My understanding is that a lot of people said a lot of stupid things about a lot of dead people, resulting in a lot of self-serving, hypocritical nonsense.

But hey, that's in the PAST, man! VA Tech is OVER and except for lumping Koreans in with Iranians, Arabs and any Negroes not wearing a t-shirt as "People We Should Be Concerned About Having to Sit Next To", nothing has changed, or needs to change. Let's focus on the NOW. And NOW, we're...uh...still thinking up crazy crap to say about the VA Tech massacre! Yes, over at Big Boy Jammies, everyone's favorite raving paranoid post-Soviet graphic designer, Oleg Atabatshit (who previously wrote that picking John as your favorite Beatle over Paul was the reason for the decline of Western civilization), posts that the blame for the worst shooting spree in American history can be laid squarely at the feet of our old enemies: progressive liberalism, Che Guevara, and, uh, oh, let's say Michael Moore.

Look, Oleg, I was a punk rocker: I know what it's like to hate hippies. But come on, man, we've got bigger fish to fry these days. And implying that any attempt to address poverty will inevitably lead to widespread homicidal sprees makes you sound like an even dumber version of Ayn Rand. I realize you guys are having a grand old time trying to think up a reason to blame this mindless act on everything you've ever hated (I mean, come on, fellas -- we're a week out and no Bill Clinton connection yet?), but isn't there a war on or something?

Hi! Ate us!

The King of Clowns is going on a temporary hiatus. Those of you who live in the Seattle area might wish to attend the EMP Pop Conference this year, where I will be delivering a talk on two of my longtime obsessions, the Wu-Tang Clan and comic books. Details can be found here. I hope to resume regular coverage next week, and I'll update while there if at all possible.

Meanwhile, I leave you with a classic from a classic by the man from Fuddles, in which he:

- admonishes yet another incompetent sales clerk
- rattles on about his water installantion
- places another meaningless doohickey on his website
- complains about the poor selection at the crap chain stores at which he shops
- displays shock-horror at the fact that his daughter manifests possible awareness of a terror attack, despite the fact that he has spent the last six years writing fearful nonsense about how we must always be afraid of a city-obliterating Mahometan terror attack

Enjoy, and we'll see you soon!

Naughty Girl: MUSLIMS NEGROES MUSLIMS

(Thanks for tuning in to Mrs. Mortimer Week! We'll return to our regular programming formate on Monday.)

"Do you see the little narrow gallery outside the minaret? There is a man standing there. He is calling people to say their prayers. He calls so loud that all the people below will hear, and the sounds he utters are like sweet music. But would it not make you sad to hear them when you remembered what he was telling people to do? To pray to the God of Mahomet. Not to the God and Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, but to a FALSE god: to NO god. When the Christians began to worship images, the fierce Turks came and turned the churches into mosques. This was the punishment God sent the Christians for breaking His law. How dreadful it would be if our churches should ever be turned into mosques! May God never send us this heavy punishment!"

Peter Robinson: There should be MORE movies that portray communists as relentlessly, irredeemably evil

"The ladies are very industruous, and wherever they go, they take their knitting. The number of stockings they make would surprise you. How much better to knit than to smoke! Can they do nothing but knit? Yes, they can play on the piano, and the harp, and sing very sweetly. But they are not fond of reading useful books. When they read, it is novels about people who never lived. It would be better to read nothing than such books."

Cal Thomas: I see no problem with Town Hall giving free PR to terrorist leaders

"The Irish say they are Christians, yet most of them will not read the Bible. Is not that strange? The religion they teach is caled the Roman Catholic religion. It is a kind of Christian religion, but it is a very bad kind."

In your fat beds with your multiple sexual lovers

We're taking a momentary break from Mrs. Mortimer Week to transcribe the latest video blog by Pamela "Atlas Shrugs" Oshry Geller Feldstein Bialystock Bolton, Long Island's craziest drunk according to a recent survey by Franzia Wine-in-a-Box Corporation. We are, as ever, the only blog that provides this gut-wrenching service. This week, instead of hogging the bathroom at a party, Pammy instead dismays everyone at a Dunkin Donuts by publicly yammering about her daughter's cervix. Read on, and learn all about the sinister liberal conspiracy to turn our children into sluts by keeping them from getting cancer.



Pammy gone wild

[TITLE CARD: "COFFEE TIME"]

Coffee time*! [Laughs] Okay, so it's post-lunch, we've been shopping, got the girls some stuff for the bat mitzvah, so why am I chattin' on you now? Interesting subject came up over lunch, which was, the mandatory vaccination against cervical cancer. Which I'm totally against, by the way – as a parent, I make those choices. Secondly, why this vaccine? Why now? Because girls tend to be, have multiple sexual lovers? And they need it because their, your increased multiple sexual lovers increases your chances of cervical cancer? This is…this is more of a left-tarded indoctrination. (A), we should be teaching that a girl doesn't give it away. Doesn't give it away! Unless it's love! (B), it's, it…someone validating that multiple sexual lovers is a good thing.

[TITLE CARD: "Cervical Cancer Is not even an INFECTIOUS disease."**]

You're validating that, are you not? You're validating sexual lovers, uh, many sexual lovers is a good thing, and that…not…yeah, that it's an okay thing. What…well, we'll give you a vaccine to stop you from getting cancer. Why this disease? Why now? And another thing I want to ask you. This…in my generation, the sexually liberated generation [snaps fingers and does go-go dance] where you fucked everybody, no AIDS, no nothing. Not me, the proverbial me. Because I didn't, trust me. Um, my question is, so all these women at school, everybody in town, what's the incidence of cervical cancer at now? One in one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, what?*** Is this in reason that we have to mandate every young girl to get a vaccine against cervical cancer? I'm totally against this. I don't know why this disease, why now. Part of the left-wing indoctrination. It's wrong, and that's why I'm coming to you live from the Big D's, Dunkin Donuts.

[TITLE CARD: "later that day"]

So now you have a few of the folks say 'But the Republicans went to Syria! The Republicans were there!' First of all, what Republicans? Who were they? What nameless faces were they?**** They were not the most powerful woman in the world. 'I am the most powerful woman in the world!' Remember that? 'I am the most powerful woman in the world.' And if I go to Syria – who's gonna give a rat's ass if I go to Syria? Let's be honest, okay? Um…look how they copy our, 'but the Republicans did it! Waaaah!' They can't even stand up f…can't even stand up for what they do. Can't even stand up for their own positions. So now you have Nancy Peloopsi in Syria, you have Sestak last night at the CAIR fundraiser, raising money for CAIR. Raising money for a front for terror. This is the Democratic Party. Can I ask you something? Why do we…I…'We have to engage, we have to engage with the terrorists!' Did we engage with the Nazis? And how come they're not engaging with George Bush? How come they're not…

[TITLE CARD: "Would the dhimmicrats 'engage' with the Nazis too?"]

What is George Bush guilty of, trying to keep us free? What is George Bush guilty of, trying to institute the tr…the Bush Doctrine? Trying to free a part of the world that has been living in totalitarian regimes for centuries? What is he guilty of, trying to keep the American people safe? Which, by the way, I have to say, since his election…since 9/11, he's done an outstanding job. Outstanding, my friends. That's why you're all so complacent, and you're feeling so good in your fat beds, in your feather beds with your ducks and, uh, p…p….p…mattresses! You don't even know you're at war. They're plotting and champing and chopping with their bombs and their small bombs and big bombs and polonium-210 and they're smuggling it in, and the guy died, the guy died from a $15 million dose.

[TITLE CARD: "Alexander Litvinenko"]

That wasn't an assassination attempt by Putin. Why spend fifteen to thirty million dollars on one tiny granule of polonium-210 when a bullet costs you a nickel? They were smuggling that stuff! [sings] Good morning, America, how are you?' Anyway, I'm down south with my kids, it's Spring Break, whoo whoo! Let's all dance!

[TITLE CARD: "yeah bababy"]

And I'm having a blast. I can't watch the news. You know I went from, when I started this blog I went from…it's the unreported news, I have to get the truth to the people, they have to see what's really going on, the, they…the mainstream media has abdicated its role as public servant to the, disseminating the information. I've gone from that to feeling like, frankly, I'm giving you the blow-by-blow. I'm giving you the play-by-play on the road to Armageddon. Jackie, you ready for lunch?

[Off-screen voice: "Yep."

Okay! We're going for American lunch! No problems! Don't worry, be happy! Don't worry, be happy! Nancy Pelosi's in Syria, it's all good! See ya.

"I will destroy you!"

BONUS SPECIAL EXTRA DRUNK PAMMY V-BLOG!

[TITLE CARD: "How the Left promotes Teenage Promiscuity – Pamela – AtlasShrugs.com"]

Okay, the reason I was so upset about that vaccine, uh, for cervical cancer is because first of all, they want to give it to, uh, middle-school students. Nine-year-olds, ten-year-olds, eleven-year-olds. I'm in Florida and they're talking about making it law now. [Points to her daughter] Could you see this one with a cervical cancer vaccine*****? I'm…I mean, seriously, okay? And I say, why this…I say, why this disease, why now? Why this disease? It's not infectious. It's not typhoid, right******? Oh, she's putting on a happy face now. Okay, so earlier, I went to the store, and this guy comes up to me, and he's all like, do I know you? Ha ha ha ha. I said, New, New York? He goes, no. I say, you get any news on the net? He says, Atlas Shrugs, right? Right? Yeah, baby! Oh, oh, uhn uh uh. Okay. So anyway, on that note, um, oh! Oh! Uh, who, who, who's with me on arresting Pelosi? On, on the Logan Act? Who's with me?

[Pam's daughters, off-screen: "Me! Me! Me!"]

Okay, I got my posse with me. I got my posse, and we're gonna arrest Pelosi, and, and that other one! What was that, with the nostrils? Who's Nostril Boy?

[TITLE CARD: I don't know what the hell this thing is.]

We need some names. Nostril Boy…Waxman. Henry Waxman. Yes. And who are you? Meeting with the Muslim Brotherhood? The Muslim Brotherhood is their…oh, rrrrrrrrrrr, my ride is here, I gotta go. The Muslim Brotherhood is…okay, stop it, I'm coming. The Muslim Brotherhood are….[next sentence rendered blissfully inaudible by passing motorcycles] It's all very distressing, and, uh, okay, take your, uh, you know, I think it's too dark now. I love you.

[TITLE CARD: "WHAT WAS SAN FRAN NAN DOING IN SYRIA?" Judging from the incomprehensible image, she was being anally violated by a young Prince Charles.]

*: Actually, "cwawfee towime", but you get the picture.

**: I don't suppose it's even necessary at this point to mention that Crazy Pammy doesn't know what she's talking about.

***: One in 30,000, actually, with over four thousand fatalities a year in the United States. Much higher than your risk of death by Islamofascism!

****: Among others, Arlen Specter (R-PA), Darrell Issa (R-CA), Frank Wolf (R-VA), Bob Aderholt (R-AL), , and David Hobson (R-OH), who was actually with Pelosi on her trip. Jeez, Pam, when you sober up, ask someone what Google is.

*****: Could you see this one with a fatal case of cervical cancer because her mother was a crazy drunk who refused to let her get vaccinated to avoid left-wing indoctrination?

******: From 1996-1999, over 15,000 American women died of cervical cancer. During the same period, one person died of typhoid. Typhoid, by the way, was almost entirely eliminated in the West due to a government program to vaccinate children against it.

Dennis Prager: I weep for the lost greatness of Blighty

"What country do you love best? Your own country. I know you do. What is the character of the English? They are not very pleasant in company, because they do not like strangers, nor taking much trouble. They like best being at home, and this is right. They are too fond of money, as well as of good eating and drinking. They are often in low spirits, and are apt to grumble, and to wish they were richer than they are, and to speak against the rulers of the land. Yet they might be the happiest people in the world, for there is no country in which there are so many Bibles."

Powerline: Widespread Racial Discrimination Has Nothing to Do with Race

"There is much to make the traveller sad as he wanders about the Holy Land. That land was once fruitful, but now it is barren. It is not surprising that no one plants and sows in the fields, because the Turks would take away the harvest. Once it was a peaceful land, but now there are so many enemies that every man carries a gun to defend himself. Once it was a holy land, but now Mahomet is honored, and not the God of Israel. When shall it again be fruitful, and peaceful, and holy? When the Jews shall repent of their sins and turn to the Lord."

Big Boy Jammies: Reds in Tehran Paperwork Shocker

"By now you must have found out the character of the Russians. The rich people are unjust, and often do not pay their debts; they are fond of feasts and company, but they care little for their servants and poor neighbors. The poor people are civil, but sly, and dishonest, idle, and fond of drinking. The Russians are generally not to be trusted."

Michael Barone: They hate us because of our freedoms

"And what sort of people are the Arabs? Wild and fierce people. Travellers are afraid of passing through Arabia, lest the Arabs should rob and murder them; and no one has ever been able to conquer the Arabs. The Arabs are very proud, and will not bear the least affront. The Arabs are so unforgiving and revengeful that they will seek to kill a man year after year."

Note: I'll have a transcript of Crazy Pammy's latest vlog-spew up tonight or tomorrow.