Tales of a zesty senorita

Doug Giles, the Floridian asshole who gets a paycheck from Town Hall every week, concludes his "Raising Girls Who Won't Let Colored Boys Touch Them" series today. You may recall from previous weeks that he proposed ten rules for raising daughters, then spent a week each on the first two ('teach them to fight' and 'teach them to shoot guns'); showing where his priorities are, he concludes the series by cramming the remaining eight non-violence-centered childrearing rules into one week. Let's watch!

Dad, do you want to ensure that your girl doesn’t end up broke, bulimic, married to Bobby Brown, or more bellicose than Courtney Love is after she’s run out of crack and booze? You do? Well, good for you.

Here, Doug departs from type and cites a degenerate, drug-addicted WHITE person as a negative role model. Question: how do we know how bellicose Courtney Love gets when she runs out of booze? I seriously doubt that has ever happened.

Having been personally blessed with two beautiful niƱas, it’s my duty (duh) to raise these fair lassies to be large and in charge.

You mean fat, Doug? Are your daughters fat?

Which means (in today’s twisted sister culture) that as a father, I’ve got to help them strategically and energetically paddle up the heavy rapids of a stinky creek.

It takes courage to namecheck Twisted Sister as a paragon of moral degeneracy in this day and age.

Having been semi-successful with my Xena-like teenage tornadoes (and being the nice guy that I am), I want to accomplish several things with this column

I wonder two things here: first, is Doug aware of Xena's status as a big-time dyke icon? And second, what's with the "semi-successful"? It's not like this jackass to be humble, so is he actually admitting that something is wrong with his daughters? Is one of them a smoker? Do they listen to jungle music? Has one of them brought home a Levantine boyfriend? Or do they just get below-average marks in submachinegun class?

I’d also like to inform other fathers who’re groping for some moral rutter.

MAN! I know Doug is prone to misspelling big words in his attempt to sound smart, but this is just too Freudian a slip.

3. Teach Them How to Sense BS. Princeton Philosophy professor Harry Frankfurt states, “One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullsh*t."

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the only time ever that Doug Giles will cite an Ivy league philosopher.

Call it non-sense, truth bending, reality styling, Mark Foley-itus, mendacity, Air America or whatever, you do not need to be the coldest beer in the fridge to recognize that lies, hype and spin are now seeing more action than Bill Clinton would at the Hooters in Little Rock.

There is a term for people who make fun of something while doing it themselves. Can anyone tell me what it is, class?

Now granted, most gobbledygook is harmless. However, some BS is disastrous. Case in point: the amorous, nauseous oozings that a Joran Van der Sloot excreted, and that were, unfortunately, bought by Natalie Holloway. Not discerning this Dutch dillweed’s depravity cost Natalie her life.

Not being as keen on the latest white-girls-in-trouble news as I should be, I have no idea what this means.

Speaking of Natalie and bad dates: Girls, if ‘red flags’ start going off in your head, your skin begins to crawl up your arm and your gut revolts against your eyes and ears—then you might want to pay attention to what your body and your intuition are telling you.

"Follow your intuition"? That's Doug's brilliant fathering advice, "do what you think you ought to do"? How about "learn how to balance your checkbook"? Geez.

4. Teach Them How to Rebel. Dad, having a girl with a well whetted BS detector is not enough. Sometimes, when the twaddle is egregious, you’ve got to teach your little darling to revolt against the purveyors of it. I think the greatest need for rebels with a cause is within the homes of families who have traditional American values.

Wh...what? I honestly don't get this. Doug is a preacher. He's a fundamentalist Christian conservative. He makes his living espousing the dominant cultural, political and religious belief of most of the country. He's obviously not telling people to rebel against that kind of bullshit, is he? Maybe we'll find out what exactly he means in the next section!

Nice dad, if you’re going to send your daughter to a state run university, then you’ve got to teach your lass to not just sit there in class being a good girl and taking whatever the secular “progressives” shove down her throat.

Oh, I see! She should rebel against the CRAZY COMMIE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS taught by a few thousand college professors which has pretty much nothing to do with how the real world works and which needs rebelling against about as much as Flemish automatic writing. Makes perfect sense now, that's exactly the kind of rebellion the world needs all right.

You must teach to her to deftly defy defunct dogmas and not turn a blonde eye to bad ideas.

Defunct dogmas like...Christianity? NO! Not that. Also, HA HA BLONDES R DUM

Yeah, traditional father, teach your girl to feel proud and comfortable with not being a communist, with believing in God, with our nation’s spiritual heritage and with not having her genitals turned into a campus Jiffy Lube.

Man! A conservative capitalist Christian! That's rebellious. PUNK AS FUCK! Also, that last metaphor? Maybe a tad too pungent.

5. Teach Them How to Be Classy (That’s mostly my wife’s job.) Look, I’m all for girls being Tom-boy rough around the edges. I like an earthy woman. My youngest daughter can burp so loud that it shakes a whole restaurant. It is quite amazing.

Uh. I, I bet it is.

That said, dad, keep your girls from being as gross as men are allowed to be. Men are supposed to be semi-vile beasts.

Why? WHY? God fucking forbid Doug writes an article where he tells men not to be pigs, or to behave like civilized human beings. No, better to relegate us to our comically stone-age mores, and shrug our shoulders and say "do as I say, girls". Note also that in Doug's world, the important thing is to teach girls to kill their would-be rapists, not to teach boys not to treat women badly.

Girls have now been liberated to be just as vulgar as men are.

That's what women's lib is all about, really. Farting.

Girls, don’t try to be as base as us. We suck. It’s the feminine difference that keeps us in line. Your grace and mystery keep us in balance. Therefore, be prettier, daintier and more honorable — and we’ll conquer the planet for you.

[killing self, others]

Let your girl know, however, that not being a gross, rowdy and disgusting slut might cause her to not get invited to every keg party. But she shouldn’t sweat it, because her tastefulness will cause her to excel in life and land her a worthy man.

That's important, catching the right fella. Don't burp, ladies.

6. Teach Them to Despise Anti-Intellectualism.

Oh, boy, this should be good!

The Beatles are credited with mainstreaming drugs more quickly than anyone else within the West.

...what? Seriously, what?

I credit Paris Hilton and the rest of her lockstep, anti-intellectual, ogling ilk for making it cool to be a credulous clod.

Yeah, stupid behavior was never in vogue in these United States before Paris came along. Certainly isolationist religious conservatives who constantly rail against the evils of higher education have not contributed one iota to the growing anti-intellectualism of America; no, clearly, the problem is Hollywood celebrities.

Young girl, listen: Paris can afford to own dumb. Paris is filthy rich and has a lot of lawyers retained. If you follow her moronic lead and stay daft, well . . . all I can say is, “I hope you like eating government cheese and living in a van down by the river.”

Dear Doug Giles,


not yours,

Dad, provide your girl with a killer library covering a variety of topics.

But not "defunct dogmas" by "secular progressives".

Start with the easy to read version of the Bible.

Why "easy to read"? If you're raising an intellectual, why dumb it down? It's already pretty dumb.

Then get her everything R.C. Sproul’s written on Theology. After that, line the shelves with biographies of productive world shakers.

Okay, religion and capitalism, good starts...

Then get a good tome that overviews the major philosophers/philosophies.

Except commies. And Europeans. And anyone who makes her doubt the existence of God. So that gets rid of a good 75% of major philosophers.

If you provide these pithy works and encourage your girl to imbibe deeply on them, I guarantee you won’t have to worry about your daughter drinking bong water with Tara Reid while clubbing on South Beach.

Because, of course, well-read intellectuals never, ever get involved with drugs or sex.

7. Teach Them to Be Visionaries. Teach your daughter to dream big and not to settle for personal, national, cultural or ecclesiastical mediocrity. Teach her, by faith, to see what is unseen and to work her disciplined butt off to achieve what she desires versus that which culture or others have prescribed for her.

Okay, this is pretty good, but again, being a visionary/rebel/intellectual/etc. often means rejecting your traditional upbringing. Which, in your case, Doug, would mean you're encouraging your daughters to explore atheism, postmodernism, liberalism, etc. You don't really wanna do that, do you, Doug?

8. Teach Them How to Party. Teach your girls that if they go out partying, to be aware that lame guys with hackneyed existences


have found ways around having to get a life before they try to get your girl. It is called, as you all know, date rape drugs. With the advent of roofies and ecstasy, losers are able to work around a girl’s brain and body (if they can lace your drink) by getting you so smashed that you throw off any inhibitions (or go unconscious) so they can try their ham-fisted moves on you. So, to avoid being French kissed, raped, impregnated, kidnapped or murdered by these slugs:

1. Don’t take a drink from a stranger. Receive your drink only, only, from the bartender; watch him make it, and then have him hand it directly to you.

2. Don’t leave your drink lying around where Goofy can drop a roofie in it.

3. Don’t party with brain-dead buddies. Hang out with friends who keep their wits about them when they’re having a good time, who will not let you leave with three local peons or get ridiculously wasted, who have well-honed BS detectors and who will not let you get behind the wheel of your 330I if you’ve had seven shots of Cabo Wabo.

So, in brief: go out and have fun at parties, but beware, because the world is filled with creeps who will drug your drink and rape you. MAN THAT'S SOME GOOD PARENTING RIGHT THERE!

9. Teach Them the Value of Hard Work. Tell your daughter and show her by example that the harder she works, the luckier she’ll get. Make sure she doesn’t have an entitlement mentality towards you, a sugar daddy, church or our government.

ZzzzzzzzOH sorry, I nodded off there.

10. Teach Them the Importance of Traditional Convictions. You do not have to be a tongue talkin’, “on fire,” Pentecostal father to teach your little girl the importance of faith in God, how to pray and the value of biblical values.


This often ridiculed biblical infrastructure just happens to be a major part of why the west is the best.


And dad, don’t pass spiritual training off to your wife. She’s only part of your girl’s spiritual picture.

There! That's it! That's the end! Go to it, all you fathers.

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