From the Country That Brought You A.Q. Khan

Hey, remember a couple of days ago, when the CIA sent out flying killer robots to annihilate a Pakistani border town because the robots thought there were big-shot terrorists hiding there? Only it turned out he wasn't, and instead the robots killed 18 innocent civilians?

Well, touchy sons of bitches as those Pakis are, they got all bent out of shape and started holding anti-American protests and rallies, which made pet dictator/walking corpse Pervez Musharref nervous. Luckily, he's our boy, and we sent some people to have a word with him. We don't know what they said, of course, but we do know that since that time, a bunch of terrorists have been discovered under the pile of corpses!

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - An al-Qaida explosives and chemical weapons expert and a relative of the terror network's No. 2 leader were among four top operatives believed killed in a U.S. missile strike in Pakistan last week, Pakistani security officials said Thursday.

Well! An explosives expert AND a relative of whoever we're claiming is the Vice-President of Terror Affairs for Al Q'aeda Inc., that's pretty good. To whom should we attribute this glorious news?

The three security officials, all speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak to media.

Ah. Well, that's okay, though. Anonymous sources are only disreputable when they're alleging misconduct by American or Israeli forces, or saying that President Bush is an idiot. At any rate, at least we have some Islamonazi carcasses we can string up from the nearest light post, right?

said the al-Qaida figures were believed to have been in Damadola village near the Afghan border at the time of Friday's attack but their bodies have not been recovered.

Oh. But, at least, if anonymous sources say we're unconfirmedly killing imaginary terrorists whose bodies haven't been recovered, at least they're bigwigs, I'm sure.

The officials said the operatives included Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, 52, who the U.S. Justice Department calls an explosives and poisons expert. The Egyptian also has distributed training manuals with recipes for chemical and biological weapons and trained hundreds of fighters at a terrorist camp near the eastern Afghan city of Jalalabad before the ouster of the hardline Taliban regime in late 2001. Umar is suspected of training the suicide bombers who killed 17 U.S. sailors in the attack on the USS Cole in Yemen in 2000, according to Mohamed Salah, a Cairo expert on Islamic extremists.

There we go! And naturally, this must be true, because we've certainly never before reported an infamous al-Q'aeda leader killed when in fact he was still alive. But it seems strange that they've recovered all the bodies of all the innocent people who died, and none of the bodies of the bad guys, doesn't it?

Provincial authorities said al-Qaida sympathizers took the bodies of the foreign militants believed to have been killed to bury them in the mountains near the Afghan border, thereby preventing their identification.

Whew, I knew there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. At any rate, we know this isn't complete propagandist fantasy, because of all the U.S. collaboration of the story.

Pentagon officials said they had no information on the reported identities of the dead, and CIA spokesman Tom Crispell said the agency could not comment.

Which is coming any day now, certainly soon enough to go to press with this unambiguous headline. Ah, the power of the press!

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