Meat the Press

The less obnoxious of the Two Bolts of Bush (chief of staff Josh Bolten, not UN excoriator John "Mustache Pete" Bolton) was on Meet the Press yesterday. He was actually pretty solid on the situation in Lebanon (even I, who am ready to bite people's throats out merely for suggesting that my views on Israel are not 104% correct, didn't find much to complain about other than his hilarious statement that America's support of Israel is nothing more than a manifestation of our support of the right of all people everywhere to be free); he was a little more at sea on Iraq, claiming to the lack of any supporting evidence that there is ample cause for optimism and dismissing in an extremely creepy fashion that hectoring statements by the (democratically elected!) Iraqi foreign minister were "just what you'd expect" from...well, he didn't say "those people", but he came as close as the law will allow. Still, it wasn't until Tim Russert started bird-dogging him on stem cell research that his little ship sailed away into the lonely empty waters of Indefensibilia. Russert showed Tony Snow's dingbat press conference where he explained that the President's position on stem cell research is that it's murder; he (Russert) then asked Bolten if, given that Bush's primary spokesment says stem cell research is murder, that means that the president in so many words is completely fucking out of his mind. Bolten, who looked like he'd been caught putting his dick in the caviar at Daddy's dinner party, did his level best to hem and haw and change the subject, but he ended up echoing Bush's "it's hard work!" claim about the Iraq war, saying stem cell researcn was a "very difficult, very complex issue", and that was why the President's policies made no goddamn sense whatsoever. The best moment was when Russert quoted Karl Rove as saying that adult stem cell research had shown more promise in medical research than embryonic tissue research -- a claim which no scientist whatsoever has made, as far as I can tell. Bolten agreed with this patently ridiculous statement, and Russert asked him how he could agree when there was no scientific research to back it up. At this point, the following hilarious exchange took place:

BOLTEN: "Well, I'm no scientist."

RUSSERT: "Neither is Karl Rove."

BOLTEN: "Oh, he knows a lot of things."

Anyone in the mood for further rumblings about politics is advised to check out James Wolcott's posts of the last few days. He's been on a roll lately, both with links and original thoughts, and for the most part, his views of the Israel/Lebanon crisis are my own.

Oh, also, this.

Here's something about good political humor:

Most of it basically writes itself. Like, for instance, this transcript of an obviously drunk-off-her-nut Crazy Pammy recording her latest video blog. I really don't have to add anything to it to make it high-larious; just reading it, with her dynamite threesome of alcoholism, insanity and the biggest persecution complex on earth, is enough.

I THINK THEY CHANGE HATS

Hey! How you doin’? Um…but first I have a spec…special message for Nash…Nasfrallah…Nasrallah of Hezbollah, or Hamas, or Islamic Jihad, or the Revolu…the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, or al-Q’aeda, whatever hat they’re wearing today. This is special, man. This one’s for you.

YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE JUST READING THE TRANSCRIPT, I HAD TO WATCH IT

[lip-synchs to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” while dancing and alternating making orgasmic faces, holding up an empty cocktail glass, and waving around a picture of a veiled Islamic woman.]

WORST WAR CRIMINALS ARE THOSE WHO DON'T WANT WAR

Nostril Man! Okay, enough of that. A couple quick things, quick quick things, because, uh, we’re being…it’s an onslaught. It’s an onslaught of media, and, uh, we have to hit the biggest criminals first. Uh…the peace conspirators. You know who the peace conspirators are? [Sings] “All we are saying is let’s kill the Jews.” I mean, really. Who wants war? Nobody wants war, okay? But war was declared on us, and I like the media’s attention to each individual: “three civilians were killed, four civilians were killed.” Oh, that’s nice. Are these the same innocent civilians that strap suicide belts to their babies? Are these the same, uh, suicide, uh, uh, are…innocent civilians that, uh, photograph their children with these, uh, big strapping guns? And, and teach them to k…to die? How…is this the innocent life? The culture of death?

HE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO AN IVY

You know, I notice this Syr…you ever notice this Syrian ambassador, this Assad the chinless, you know, optometrist? Did he make it to ophthalmology? Nah. No, he’s not even an ophthalmologist. Never got to medical school. I’ll bet you he’s an optometrist. Um…they only come out from under their rock when they’re killing the Jews. [Adopts a faux-Arab accent] “Oh, why is a Jew life better than our life?” First of all, who even said that? What are you, hung up on that? [Holds up empty cocktail glass] Oh, that’s right, you’re not allowed. Um, why are you hung up on that? Nobody said that. Don’t teach your children death and maybe you’ll feel better about life.

NO, YOU'RE DRUNK

You like my fish tank? 350-gallon saltwater tank. Everything in here is alive. Live and uncensored.

FEMINISTS EERILY SILENT ON ISSUES OF GENITAL MUTILATION, OVERDRESSING

So, we have the peace…peace conspirators in America, and, and the feminazis, who, who say nothing about clitorectomies, say nothing about wrapping girls up from head to toe [shows photo of veiled woman again; begins dancing and singing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me”].

THESE CRAZY MILITANTS! WHAT'S UP WITH THEM?

Also, what’s with the militants? The Palestinian militants?

ISRAELI TOENAILLESS IN GAZA

There’s nobody in Gaza. Nobody. ‘Cause…there’s not an Israeli toenail in Gaza, okay? It’s…it’s not militants. They are soldiers, okay? When you hear “humanitarian crisis”, it’s called, it, it is, it…it is the buzzword for “it’s okay to kill the Jews”, okay? Um…it is unbelievable.

A SINISTER CABAL OF CONSPIRATORIAL JEWS MUSLIMS CONTROL OUR MEDIA

And the funny thing is, about the media, is that al-Q’aeda and Islamic Jihad and, and Islam, right? Let’s call it Islam, has the, you know, entire Arab media, wh…that doesn’t say that is what it’s told. And they have our media. And let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you don’t think that is a powerful tool in the arsenal of war, you’ve got to be crazy in 2006.

PRESIDENT ACCUSED OF HAVING SPINE

For Bush, I, I, I tip my hat [bows], I say thank you very much for having a spine, thank you very much for standing behind, uh, in the struggle, uh, between good and evil, for standing for good. Because that’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a value system. And, um, and the culture of life. And that’s another interesting thing: I don’t know if you noticed, but, uh, they’re, uh, I get…what they want to do, “Oh, they’re just for two soldiers”. First of all, they keep bringing up the two soldiers. What happened to jihad? They keep bringing up the two soldiers. What happen to the eight they killed when they took the two? Nobody talks about them. And they want the…the, the Jews to day “All right, it’s just two soldiers.”

NOW, I'M NO JEW-OLOGIST

But…what they don’t understand, what they’re trying to do, is they’re trying to twist. They’re trying to change the Jewish soul. Because the J…in the Talmud – and I don’t know anything about this, so you…those guys in Israel, if you wanna correct, to correct me, be my guest – is, um, you know, you save one life, you save the world entire. That’s, uh, that’s how it is.

THIS SEGUE BROUGHT TO YOU BY STOLICHNAYA VODKA

So, the, uh, if we have to change what is our essence and our soul, uh, [long pause] we can’t. We go on top of Masada and kill ourselves. I could, I can see all the Jew-haters: “Yay! Yeah! Atlas finally got the answer!” [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again] This is gonna be a short one, I can’t help it.

DON'T YOU WISH YOUR ZYGOTE WAS HOT LIKE ME

Oh, and President Bush, would you please treat the Jews the way you treat the, the, the zygotes? Those little, little, those embryos? [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again]

JUICY LEADER-ON-LEADER ACTION

Oh, the funniest! The funniest. The funniest is blame Bush for mideast. Clinton, Clinton had a terrorist! What, what foreign leader, had, uh, wha…did Clinton have at the White House more than anyone? That’s right. Yassir Arafat. Bastard. And who was making out? What two women? What Sapphic session was going on? Arafat’s wife and, uh, Cl…Hillary. [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again] Did you see my pictures on my website?

AND I MEAN LOTS OF INFIDEL JUICE

Anyway, just wanna say, Israel, we stand with you. I want you to know that. We love you. And, um, we’re in solidarity with you. That’s it, folks! It could have been longer, but, uh, I gotta go have a drink of, uh, of, uh, infidel juice. See ya!

Now I get it

Town Hall's 'The Funnies': still not funny.

I mean, seriously: politics aside, these guys have a kind of amazing knack for telling jokes that are not only identical to one another, but not funny the first time you see it. This week's "the U.N. are sissies, HAW HAW" is mildly more amusing than last week's "Islamic terrorists are everywhere, HAW HAW I guess", but not enough to justify the same joke being repeated four times in one day. (Plus, a special repeat of the "Islamic terrorists are everywhere" joke, in case you really liked it last week!) I'll admit that liberal cartoonists are often equally simplistic and unfunny, but Christ, at least they're capable of telling more than one joke at a time. It's like these guys are getting a Theme Of The Week from some yutz over at the Mellon-Scaife Foundation.

Still, I guess it's better than this article by the inexplicable John Stossel, who uses his conservative bully pulpit to argue in defense of cousins marrying.

In which I break my own rule not to discuss this issue

Lileks today uses Toontown to illustrate to his daughter why the Palestinians are wrong.

No, really.

Polly ticks

Hey, how about those Israeli airstrikes? GOOD PLAN! Only four dozen civilians dead so far, that's acceptable. I can't believe they didn't think to bomb Lebanon before! Or, at least, recently, before, again, since the mid-'80s! This will surely make Israel safe and secure forever and ever.

James Lileks today says that he got peevish at a Krispy Kreme employee for offering him a free refill, because their stock price is too low and they can't afford to do that sort of thing. He was, please God above, joking.

Did you know that Town Hall now features a cartoon section? No, really! It's called 'The Funnies', even though, as any number of examples show, they are not, in fact, funny. Not only not funny, but not funny in a nearly identical fashion to one another. HAW DE HAW!

This is a job for...

Debbie Schlussel -- who was once in training to become Ann Coulter's understudy until everyone noticed that she wasn't pretty enough to step into the Arab-bashing hag role and it fell to the more exotic Michelle Malkin to pick up the slack -- has seen the new Superman movie. And she has used it as a springboard for her crazy, sexist anti-PC ravings. Por ejemplo:

* Lois Lane is a "slut"

* Superman is too politically correct, which inspired Debbie to craft this hilarious and incredibly skillful bit of PhotoShop humor

* Evidence of Superman's PC nature is found in the fact that Lex Luthor doesn't team up with al-Q'aeda to promote Islamofascist (no, really, she actually says this)

* Also, Hollywood's dirty commie pro-terror stance can be found in the fact that some advertising for the film doesn't feature the phrase "truth, justice & the American Way", and the fact that other advertising for the film DOES feature the phrase, plus huge American flags, just proves what hypocrites the people in showbiz are

* And to top it all off, Superman's cape is entirely too muted a shade of red, which illustrates the national malaise the media would like to convince us we are undergoing (no, really, she actually says this too)