I THINK THEY CHANGE HATS
Hey! How you doin’? Um…but first I have a spec…special message for Nash…Nasfrallah…Nasrallah of Hezbollah, or Hamas, or Islamic Jihad, or the Revolu…the Iranian Revolutionary Guard, or al-Q’aeda, whatever hat they’re wearing today. This is special, man. This one’s for you.
YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE JUST READING THE TRANSCRIPT, I HAD TO WATCH IT
[lip-synchs to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” while dancing and alternating making orgasmic faces, holding up an empty cocktail glass, and waving around a picture of a veiled Islamic woman.]
WORST WAR CRIMINALS ARE THOSE WHO DON'T WANT WAR
Nostril Man! Okay, enough of that. A couple quick things, quick quick things, because, uh, we’re being…it’s an onslaught. It’s an onslaught of media, and, uh, we have to hit the biggest criminals first. Uh…the peace conspirators. You know who the peace conspirators are? [Sings] “All we are saying is let’s kill the Jews.” I mean, really. Who wants war? Nobody wants war, okay? But war was declared on us, and I like the media’s attention to each individual: “three civilians were killed, four civilians were killed.” Oh, that’s nice. Are these the same innocent civilians that strap suicide belts to their babies? Are these the same, uh, suicide, uh, uh, are…innocent civilians that, uh, photograph their children with these, uh, big strapping guns? And, and teach them to k…to die? How…is this the innocent life? The culture of death?
HE DIDN'T EVEN GO TO AN IVY
You know, I notice this Syr…you ever notice this Syrian ambassador, this Assad the chinless, you know, optometrist? Did he make it to ophthalmology? Nah. No, he’s not even an ophthalmologist. Never got to medical school. I’ll bet you he’s an optometrist. Um…they only come out from under their rock when they’re killing the Jews. [Adopts a faux-Arab accent] “Oh, why is a Jew life better than our life?” First of all, who even said that? What are you, hung up on that? [Holds up empty cocktail glass] Oh, that’s right, you’re not allowed. Um, why are you hung up on that? Nobody said that. Don’t teach your children death and maybe you’ll feel better about life.
NO, YOU'RE DRUNK
You like my fish tank? 350-gallon saltwater tank. Everything in here is alive. Live and uncensored.
FEMINISTS EERILY SILENT ON ISSUES OF GENITAL MUTILATION, OVERDRESSING
So, we have the peace…peace conspirators in America, and, and the feminazis, who, who say nothing about clitorectomies, say nothing about wrapping girls up from head to toe [shows photo of veiled woman again; begins dancing and singing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me”].
THESE CRAZY MILITANTS! WHAT'S UP WITH THEM?
Also, what’s with the militants? The Palestinian militants?
ISRAELI TOENAILLESS IN GAZA
There’s nobody in Gaza. Nobody. ‘Cause…there’s not an Israeli toenail in Gaza, okay? It’s…it’s not militants. They are soldiers, okay? When you hear “humanitarian crisis”, it’s called, it, it is, it…it is the buzzword for “it’s okay to kill the Jews”, okay? Um…it is unbelievable.
A SINISTER CABAL OF CONSPIRATORIAL
And the funny thing is, about the media, is that al-Q’aeda and Islamic Jihad and, and Islam, right? Let’s call it Islam, has the, you know, entire Arab media, wh…that doesn’t say that is what it’s told. And they have our media. And let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you don’t think that is a powerful tool in the arsenal of war, you’ve got to be crazy in 2006.
PRESIDENT ACCUSED OF HAVING SPINE
For Bush, I, I, I tip my hat [bows], I say thank you very much for having a spine, thank you very much for standing behind, uh, in the struggle, uh, between good and evil, for standing for good. Because that’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a value system. And, um, and the culture of life. And that’s another interesting thing: I don’t know if you noticed, but, uh, they’re, uh, I get…what they want to do, “Oh, they’re just for two soldiers”. First of all, they keep bringing up the two soldiers. What happened to jihad? They keep bringing up the two soldiers. What happen to the eight they killed when they took the two? Nobody talks about them. And they want the…the, the Jews to day “All right, it’s just two soldiers.”
NOW, I'M NO JEW-OLOGIST
But…what they don’t understand, what they’re trying to do, is they’re trying to twist. They’re trying to change the Jewish soul. Because the J…in the Talmud – and I don’t know anything about this, so you…those guys in Israel, if you wanna correct, to correct me, be my guest – is, um, you know, you save one life, you save the world entire. That’s, uh, that’s how it is.
THIS SEGUE BROUGHT TO YOU BY STOLICHNAYA VODKA
So, the, uh, if we have to change what is our essence and our soul, uh, [long pause] we can’t. We go on top of Masada and kill ourselves. I could, I can see all the Jew-haters: “Yay! Yeah! Atlas finally got the answer!” [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again] This is gonna be a short one, I can’t help it.
DON'T YOU WISH YOUR ZYGOTE WAS HOT LIKE ME
Oh, and President Bush, would you please treat the Jews the way you treat the, the, the zygotes? Those little, little, those embryos? [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again]
JUICY LEADER-ON-LEADER ACTION
Oh, the funniest! The funniest. The funniest is blame Bush for mideast. Clinton, Clinton had a terrorist! What, what foreign leader, had, uh, wha…did Clinton have at the White House more than anyone? That’s right. Yassir Arafat. Bastard. And who was making out? What two women? What Sapphic session was going on? Arafat’s wife and, uh, Cl…Hillary. [Begins dancing to “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” again] Did you see my pictures on my website?
AND I MEAN LOTS OF INFIDEL JUICE
Anyway, just wanna say, Israel, we stand with you. I want you to know that. We love you. And, um, we’re in solidarity with you. That’s it, folks! It could have been longer, but, uh, I gotta go have a drink of, uh, of, uh, infidel juice. See ya!