Annti-Christ Superstar

Town Hall finally catches up to the elections, and despite the claims of a certain oblivious Minnesota shopper, there's a lotta rancor. Most of them (like Rich Galen) are pushing the "Democrats didn't win, Republicans lost" angle, and there's also plenty of denial that this had anything to do with the Iraq War, despite bountiful evidence that it did. Herman Cain* claims that "compassionate conservativism" -- defined as a government that thinks the less fortunate should be helped, as long as it's someone other than the government who helps them -- was the big loser in this election. I failed to see much compassion or conservativism from the 109th, but Herman is all bitter that now Bush will probably push through his amnesty for illegal aliens. Failing to lock up and deport impoverished immigrants, he says, is neither compassionate nor conservative. (Marvin Olasky, who coined the term 'compassionate conservative', agrees, lamenting the loss of Rick Santorum, a.k.a. Our Churchill, whose clear-eyed vision of unrelenting war against Eurasia has now been muddled by a foolishly short-sighted electorate.)

Big Bill Buckley likewise pushes the "Democrats have no ideas, they just won because they aren't Republicans" schtick while misusing the word 'categorical'; no less august a personage than Tony Blankley provides Lileks with a little of that rancor he couldn't seem to find by bitching about the "liberal, anti-war, activist, Internet-driven anti-Bush voters" who will now force "highly aggressive oversight hearings (and perhaps radical health care reform and tax-the-rich legislation)" down our throats. Cal Thomas has lots of rancor to spare, deciding that the best tactic is to start preemptively bashing the Democrats before they're even in office about all the ways he knows they're going to fuck up, and Lileks' best friend forever Hugh Hewitt blames the whole fiasco on John McCain.

On an ordinary day, the Most Batshit Column Award would go to Larry Elder*, who is still flogging the John Kerry Iraq thing. But today is not an ordinary day. No, today is a special day. Today is the first day in a long time that the harridan from New Canaan has woken up to a Democratic majority in Congress.

History was made this week! For the first time in four election cycles, Democrats are not attacking the Diebold Corp. the day after the election, accusing it of rigging its voting machines. I guess Diebold has finally been vindicated.

Yeah, Democrats do only tend to complain about voting irregularities when they lose by a tiny margin, rather than when they win by a decisive majority. They're funny that way.

So the left won the House and also Nicaragua.

Democrats are commies, check...

At least they don't have their finger on the atom bomb yet.

The "atom bomb"? What is this, 1952?

Democrats support surrender in Iraq, higher taxes and the impeachment of President Bush. They just won an election by pretending to be against all three.

Democrats are cowardly appeasers, wastrels and anti-authoritarian rebels, check...I dunno, somewhere I missed the whole "let's surrender to whoever it is we're fighting in Iraq" position statements from Howard Dean, but I guess Ann Coulter knows best.

Jon Tester, Bob Casey Jr., Heath Shuler, possibly Jim Webb -- I've never seen so much raw testosterone in my life. The smell of sweaty jockstraps from the "new Democrats" is overwhelming.

Having spent the last five years complaining that we can't trust Democrats because they are insufficiently macho and war-crazy, Ann is now complaining that the Democrats we have just elected are too macho and war-crazy.

Having predicted this paltry Democrat win, my next prediction is how long it will take all these new "gun totin' Democrats" to be fitted for leotards.

Democrats are effeminate sissies, check...

Now that they've won their elections and don't have to deal with the hicks anymore

Democrats hate "real Americans" from the flyover states, even when they themselves are from those states, check...

Tester can cut lose the infernal buzz cut, Casey can start taking "Emily's List" money, and Webb can go back to writing more incestuously homoerotic fiction ... and just in time for Christmas!

Democrats are phony, degenerate baby-killers, check...hey, Ann, what did you think of Bill O'Reilly's smutty fiction? How about Newt Gingrich's? How about David Horowitz's? How about Dick Armey's? Bill Buckley's?

But according to the media, this week's election results are a mandate for pulling out of Iraq (except in Connecticut where pro-war Joe Lieberman walloped anti-war "Ned the Red" Lamont)

Okay, Ann, that's great, but I think we've already covered that Democrats are commies. Couldn't you blue-pencil this and call them homos?

Only for half-brights with absolutely no concept of yesterday is this a "tsunami" -- as MSNBC calls it -- rather than the death throes of a dying party.

Yes, it's true: for historically astute people like Ann Coulter, nothing marks the final death-rattle of a party on its way out than gaining majority control of the House and Senate. Remember when the Anti-Masonic Party swept into power in 1832, just before forever disappearing from American life? Or 1856, when the Know-Nothings stocked the Supreme Court and won 16 governorships during their final days? How about 1932, when the Communist League of America won majority control of the House just before being absorbed into the U.S. Workers' Party, or the shocking Senate gains by the New Alliance Party in 1992?

So however you cut it, this midterm proves that the Iraq war is at least more popular than Bill Clinton was.

Clinton's highest disapproval rating: 49.6%. His lowest approval rating: 42.0%. Bush's highest disapproval rating: 59.9% His lowest approval rating: 32.4%. Highest degree of public dissatisfaction with the Iraq War: 67%. Lowest degree of satisfaction: 29%.

In a choice between Republicans' "Stay until we win" Iraq policy or the Democrats' "Stay, leave ... stay for a while then leave ... redeploy and then come back ... leave and stay ... cut and run ... win, lose or draw policy," I guess Americans prefer the Republican policy.

They have a funny way of showing it.

The Democrats say we need a "new direction" in Iraq. Yeah, it's called "reverse." Democrats keep talking about a new military strategy in Iraq. How exactly is cut-and-run a new strategy? The French have been doing it for years.

HA HA HA THE FRENCH ARE COWARDS, check and MATE!

*: I think there are 250 black Republicans in America, and every one of them is employed writing columns for Town Hall.