5.05.2007

I didn't even know vodka came in gum form

What is censorship? Some would say that censorship is when a privately owned company, responding to complaints from its customers, disallows use of its services. Others would argue that's not censorship at all. And there are those, known throughout the far reaches of the internet for their shameless hypocrisy, who decry that sort of behavior one minute and then immediately turn right around and and praise it.

But we're not here to call Michelle Malkin a base, unprincipled charlatan. At least not right now. We're here to deliver on the most unique service this blog provides: word-for-word translations of the drunken ramblings of Pamela Geller Oshry Finkel Trump McChicken, proprietrix of the "Atlas Shrugs" blog. This is a service we provide because we believe it is necessary to expose as many people as possible to the vital insights of this important thinker, and there are those who find it difficult to understand what she is saying in her video blogs due to the high concentrations of Captain Morgan's and ladyfingers she must ingest thanks to her unique metabolism. This service – which no other website, even Crazy Pammy's, can offer – is more necessary than ever, due to a concentration of evil jihadi terrorists who have conspired to have her v-logs taken off YouTube, knowing that it is only the inebriated, disjointed gibberings of a Long Island housewife that stands between civilization and chaos. Let's see what dire fate Pam warns us against today in her most explosive flatulation yet!

[Pam stands in front of a mirror, looking a bit puffy and with some gin blossoms blooming around her cheeks, a sure sign of the loveliness of encroaching spring. She holds up a digital camera and begins to impart her wisdom upon us, only slightly blunted by the huge wad of chaw she seems to have in her mouth.]

Hey! I know what you're saying – what are you doing, Atlas? I'm doing a vlog and I got nobody to film it. So this is an experiment. Are we loving it? I am! Um…going…I'm backing away from the computer tonight. You got a beautiful open thread there, with ze French girl, yah. She's not wearing the char-dor, so you know she's retro. I'm backing away from the keyboard, because I can't take it anymore.


A stream of decontextualized photos of soldiers, imams, and destruction appears on the screen, followed by the caption "FLIPPING THE BIRD TO THE PRESS".

Oh, wait a minute. Did you love Hillary saying the war on terror is not a partisan issue?


A photo of Bill Clinton with an attractive woman appears on screen, to remind us that Bill Clinton cheated on his wife and therefore nothing he or anyone associated with him ever says should be believed.

The war on terror is not a partisan issue? You made it the complete partisan issue. Pulling outta Iraq, you made a partisan issue. Not fighting the jihad, you made a partisan issue. The mainstream media, your tool.


A photo of several news magazines, including the liberally biased MacWorld, appears on screen, followed by a picture of Rosie O'Donnell making a funny face.

Your propaganda tool, made it a propa…uh…a partisan issue. Your inability to say that A is A, that…your, uh, is, Islam in America, plotting the jihad, and we're not allowed to say it. We're not allowed to names, if it's a lone jihadi. We're not allowed to say it.


A photo of Cho Seung-Hui, who no one on the planet but Crazy Pammy thinks was a Muslim, appears on screen before we return to Pam herself, still chewing her cud.

Who made the war on terror a partisan issue? You made the war on terror a partisan issue. They are voting…Pelosi's meeting with Assad.


A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with Assad appears on screen, just as if it proved something

She wants to meet with Ahmadinahitler.


A photo of Holocaust victims appears on screen.

I'm gonna throw my head back tonight. I'm not gonna think about it! 'Cause you know what? I'm just giving you the blow-by-blow, ladies and gentlemen.


A photo of Nancy Pelosi meeting with, I dunno, Stalin or somebody appears on screen.

They're voting to withdraw to a, a specific date. Why don't you just hand the keys to the White House to Osama? Osama, who today said he was responsible for the bombing that, uh, almost knocked off Cheney? I can just see the lefty liberals, going "Yeah, yeah! Knock off our vice-president!" You dumb shits. Um…how could you not say you're not, um, on the side of terror? How could you not say you're, um, not on the side of the terrorists? You're rooting for Cheney's death. Just look at the PuffHo. Just look at all those posts on the Kos kids. You're rooting to destroy our leadership that we sent, duly elected…"No you didn't! He didn't really get, get in there! He wasn't dul…" Oh, shut up. He did so! He did! Now let's be honest, with all those registered illegals and those dead Democrats, who really is stealing elections? We won't go there, because the Republicans are so much better than that. So much stupider than that.

Um…they're firing rockets into Israel. Have you heard about that? Yeah, I didn't think so. I think…I would do this so you could see how I do a vlog. This is the machine, it's a Sony Shiber…CyberShot. Sony, I want some props! I want some checks! Yeah, send 'em my way! This does it all. This takes the pictures when I go to events, this records it, this does everything. Um, yeah, so there we are, watching the disintegration of the system…the American system…the greatest political system in the history of man; capitalism, the kindest, most humane system in the history of man; the Constitution, the greatest document ever written in the history of man; you're seeing it in your lifetime, ripped to shreds. Ripped to shreds. And do you remember those newsreels they used to show before WWII in the movie theatre, and they would show the marching Nazis and the goosestepping, and the people getting ready in Britain? Well, when they were…when they reflect back in a hundred years, if the jihad allows such technology or such in…you know, uh, when they're inside these little tunnels where they'll be sneaking, the war videos of our pre-war years will be Anna Nicole Smith, Scott Peterson, and, uh, whatever really tacky, tawdry crime of the day was. That's what we are, America.

So I'm outta here! Gonna put on…fix my lipstick, looking in a mirror as I do this vlog I see what I need to do – and, uh, I'll be back at it tomorrow. See ya.


The Constitution, whose fundamentals Pam often calls for ignoring when it is ideologically advantageous, appears on the screen.

2 comments:

Coocoo said...

Wow. Gin is quite the political lubricant, huh?

Duros62 said...

And why was she in a hotel room anyway? doing a quick vlog before her 7:00?