Plessy vs. Kissmyass

The Bush Supreme Court's exciting new plan to end racial discrimination by allowing racial discrimination is just the beginning! Yes, with Brown v. Board of Education all but overturned, Alito and company will now turn their attention to other little mistakes that have slipped past the Constitutional gatekeepers due to activist judges of long ago. Here's what else we can look forward to!

Loving v. Virginia overturned: Court rules that anti-miscegenation statutes are no longer unconstitutional provided that at least a dozen neighbors testify that the couple is "tacky".

Gates v. Collier overturned: Reinstates racial segregation in prison, citing precedent of McDougal v. Weight Machines. Rules that black prisoners are violating the equal protection act by being stronger than Latino prisoners.

United States v. Virginia overturned: Court finds that "separate but equal" facilities are still unconstitutional, but "equal but separate" ones are okay.

Lawrence v. Texas overturned: Citation of Fourteenth Amendment prohibition on unreasonable invasion of privacy to eliminate laws against consensual homosexuality is struck down when Justice Scalia, in the majority opinion, writes "I never heard of any Fourteenth Amendment."

Roe v. Wade overturned: most restrictions on first-trimester abortions are still ruled unconstitutional, but a major exception is introduced, outlawing abortions where the woman in question is pregnant.

Washington v. Glucksberg upheld: Court rules that not only are laws against assisted suicide constitutional, they are "super-duper-constitutional" (Justice Roberts). Justice Alito declares that there is no Constitutional right to die, but there is an obligation to die.

Katzenbach v. McClung overturned: Court reasserts primacy of states' rights against the Civil Rights Act, ruling that interstate commerce regulation does not take precedent over the right of businesses to discriminate so long as the businesses are located in a state.

Miranda v. Arizona modified: Criminal suspects must still be advised of their rights, but those rights need not be communicated in spoken English. They may, for example, be explained to the suspect via written Sanskrit, interpretive dance, or telepathy.

Furman v. Georgia altered: Court seeks retroactive execution of all criminals given sentences of 20 years or more from 1967-1976.

Boy Scouts of America v. Dale expanded: Where previous ruling allowed that private organizations' right of expressive association allows them to expel members based on their sexual orientation, new language replaces "private organizations" with "everybody", "expel" with "stab in the neck", "members" with "fellow citizens", and "sexual orientation" with "swarthiness".

More Like Health UNfair!

The Human Steyn has been posting a lot at the Corner, I guess to prove that he can say asinine things in whatever venue he finds himself. Here's his latest.

So let me just say that I think socialized health care is the single biggest factor in transforming the relationship of the individual to the state. In fact, once it's introduced it becomes very hard to have genuinely conservative government - certainly, not genuinely small government.

Lousy lunchpail-toting Johnny Wannalives. Back when the working classes had the good taste to contract dreadful diseases and perish quietly after churning out the next generation of lawn-tenders, people like me could have the non-tax-invasive governments we deserve! But ever since they caught this survival bug, they've added "basic medical care" to their list of absurd demands along with "safe workplaces" and "not being beaten with horsewhips". Bah!

In a public health care system, the doctors, nurses, janitors and administrators all need to be paid every Friday so the only point at which costs can be controlled is through the patient, by restricting access.

As opposed to in a private system, where everyone will work for free. You may think that this is the most incomprehensible thing that Steyn has to say in this post, but read on!

On the former point, the unloveliness of any British city after six in the evening - the dolly birds staggering around paralytic, the pools of "pavement pizza", the baying yobboes gagging for a shag and hurling bollards through the bus shelters to impress the crumpet - is a natural consequence of what happens when the state relieves the citizen of primal responsibilities.

Yes, before socialized medicine, there were to be found nowhere in England drunken women, vomit, loudmouthed young men on the prowl, or ruffians of any sort. In the days when you had to provide for your own health care -- say, the Victorian era -- you could travel from Penwith to Peterhead and never see such a sight. O, my England! That your pristine gentlemanly nature has been corrupted by kindness!

YOU'RE Not Real, Man!

Remember how they used to say that President Reagan had a problem telling reality from fantasy?

Well...

The conservative jurist stuck up for Agent Bauer, arguing that fictional or not, federal agents require latitude in times of great crisis. "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said.

Yeah. See, though, that didn't happen. That was a television show.

"Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?" Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. "Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.

Well, he's got a point there. No jury in this country, or any other country, is ever going to convict Jack Bauer of anything. This was proven in State of Illinois vs. Little Bo Peep, 1957.

Scalia went on to say that, while he is in favor of allowing torture in order that Jack Bauer can continue to fight terrorism, he is against repealing existing anti-vigilante legislation no matter how much it would help Batman. He says he is undecided as to whether to allow Article 2 of the Constitution to be altered so that Pepe LePew could run for President.

Tom Hanks' Neo-Zhdanovite Adventure

St. Paul at Fraters Libertas (one of the Northern Alliance muftis) brings us an exciting list of people we are no longer allowed to like because they had the temerity to donate money to Al Franken's campaign. Note especially the Alvin-Peplerish e-mail exchange at the end of the post, which manages to accomplish the unthinkable: it makes me feel sorry for Ben Stein.

Also, I cannot spell "atheist"

The D'Souzaphone: In my next book, I totally demolish atheist arguments using super cool Jesus logic that no one before me has ever thought of and which surely cannot be refuted by a dull-witted college sophomore.

Help a blogger out

I want to go to CPAC next year. I want to say something to Michelle Malkin that will make her tongue swell up. I want to get bets going on when Ann Coulter will say "faggot". I want to hear Fred Dalton Thompson talk about how he will personally execute Muslim extremists. I want to listen to a live Musclehead Revolution podcast. I want to describe to Ben Shapiro what sex is like. I basically want to liveblog the whole thing, and get drunk and rowdy with dumb-ass right-wing talking heads. And I want to do it on your dime.

Details of the exciting "SEND LEONARD TO CPAC 2007" project can be found here, and information about the exciting special premiums you will receive with your donation can be found here. If you just want to donate, click on the PayPal link below. We're already well on our way to meeting our goal of letting me mooch off you for a free hotel! GIVE GENEROUSLY! You won't regret it! Or, at least, I won't!

If the man in the moon were a Muslim-hatin' goon

Mark Steyn: I miss the old days, when immigrants were so eager to assimilate that they wrote really racist songs.

And let me tell you how ELSE you screwed up!

Oh, boy, this is going to be good! Big Boy Jammies is sponsoring a conference on the collapse of Europe. I can't wait to hear about how the dark people have ruined everything, and with seminar titles like "Are Muslims exploiting the democratic process to erode and destroy European democracy?" and "To what extent have Europeans Given Up on Their Own Civilization?", I'm sure I won't have to.

The conference, which is being held in Malibu, CA instead of Europe (presumably because Europe is already too collapsed), promises to be chock full of the sort of awesome intellectual rigor we have come to expect from Big Boy Jammies. Best of all, of the 28 featured speakers, a whopping 7 of them are actually from Europe! Wow, that's some super credibility! I'm sure that if liberals held a conference on the decline of America, and it was held on the French Riviera, and only a quarter of the speakers were Americans, Pajamas Media would cover it glowingly, but for now, I'll see you in Malibu!