- $1000 in Fun Bucks at the Star Trek Experience in Vegas
- a personal trainer to get his sorry ass in shape so he can go and fight in Iraq like he really wants to
- a giant mousetrap and some rocket boots so he can finally put into action his brilliant plan to catch Osama bin-Laden
- a fun smiley-face mask with a Hitler mustache on it to wear at NRO's annual Halloween party
- a toothbrush, to clean all the shit out of his mouth
How about you, dear Clown Central Station porters, vendors, and shoeshine gals? What would you get Jonah Goldberg for his birthday?
*: For example, today, he gives us the gift of some snappy patter he's been perfecting on weekends at SCA swordfighting practice:
Damnable Twin Cities! We have been confounded by thy diabolically dual nature! Not knowing anything about where I am, when I talked to Scott Johnson yesterday, I told him I was staying at the City Center hotel, leaving out the crucial detail that I was in St. Paul. He thought I was in Minneapolis because that's where my speech was. But, again, I was not. He went to a different hotel in a different city to meet me this morning, and — fie on the ontological constraints of the space-time continuum — I was not there because I was here. So, now I'm waiting for him to come get me and take me straight to the airport, all because the cheddar-suckling Romulus and Remus of Midwestern cosmopoli have conspired to keep thy humble correspondent from meeting the Nordic blogmaster of the Great Northern Middle Kingdom.