3.22.2007

That wine was for ALL our guests, Pam



"This is where I talk about John Bolton! Find your own toilet!"

Once again, it's time for Clown Central Station to provide its most valuable service: word-for-word transcripts of the drunken ramblings of self-deluding plastic surgery disaster Pamela "Atlas Shrugs" Oshry. Sure, Sadly! No might be funnier, and Firedog Lake might bring you more important news and Roy Edroso might update more frequently and spell more words correctly, but none of them -- none of them -- have the iron will, strong stomach and ready access to newly developed pharmaceutical-grade gag suppressants to do what I do. For whatever reason it is that I do it.

This week's Pamelog comes to us from a toilet, a location which most of us have always associated with Ms. Oshry, though perhaps not in so obvious a way. As you may recall, last time we did this, Pammy did not seem to be drunk off her spinal column. I can assure you, that's not an issue this time around.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND AS YOU READ:

1. Pam's apparent disdain for Middle America and its correct pronunciation.

2. Pam's frightening discovery of someone "who's willing to vlog me".

3. How Pam interrupts the friendly chat of another partygoer by demanding to know what he thinks of the global jihad.

4. How Pam talks for about five minutes before she is able to come up with the name of a single effective Republican, and when she does, it's John Ashcroft.

5. Pam's scary control-freak behavior with the cameraman.

6. How Pam hogs the only toilet at a party and busts up the shelves just so she can remind her readers that liberals suck.

7. How, even though no one said to her "jihad is a conservative issue", she claims that her comedian suitor said it, and then attributes it to what "the Left is reporting", in the space of 30 seconds.

8. Pam calling Elian Gonzalez a bastard.

9. Pam's seeming delight at the prospect of Scooter Libby being raped in prison.

10. Pam's belief, not in evidence during the Clinton administration, that law enforcement officials using subpoenas and making people testify in criminal cases is some variety of dirty trick.

Let's begin!

(We open on Pammy, seated on a toilet, where she "prepares" her next "column". She begins to speak, her charmingly harsh Lun Guy Lint accent blurred by wine and, I believe, Vicodin, and points at us, hoping that we will catch her gaze and be transformed into statuary.)

Hey! Atlasites! How YOU doin'? I know the thing you…hey, yeah, you haven't vlogged for a while. I have to be honest with you: I haven't been feeling particularly vlogalicous. But I am tonight! And I know you can…what's with the f___in' shower curtain, it…the $14.99 at 'Tar-zhay', or in Middle America, Target, shower curtain? Because I'm into my department, and I'm at this fabby little downtown party now, and the reason that I decided to vlog is that I have a filmmaker who's willing to vlog me, and because I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

First of all, I was pouring myself a little wine, and some guy's chatting on me – you know how it is: yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! And we started talking, and he's all talking about all this, all that, and, he's a comedian. Hello? Um…yeah, all that and a bag of chips. And he's talking about how, you know, this and that…and I said, well, what about the global jihad? He said, "What?" I said, "The global jihad!" He said "Oh, you must be a conservative". (Laughs) As if the jihad was a conservative issue! What is wrong with America?

Now, I want to discuss something else. Um…you bet…stop it! Stop the, the guy having the…you, giving her too much to drink, just stop! Stay where you are. By the way, I'm in the bathroom. The bathroom. I wanted to vlog a couple things. Yeah. so, the jihad is a conservative issue. This is what the left is reporting. Okay? Now, I wanted to discuss a couple things with you. I wanted to discuss destroying an effective Republican. This is a new M.O. of the left. Yeah, baby. The new M…I'm speaking to Tom DeLay, who's gonna be on my show! Atlas on the air, we love that, uh huh. (Makes a hands-over-head gesture and her cummerbund almost falls off. The cameraman turns the camera sideways to make the gesture comprehensible, and Pamela becomes visibly agitated.)

Stop that! Would you? St…(whistles) Stop! Okay? Yeah. They destr…every effective Republican…do you notice this? Every effective Republican, they destroy. Do you notice this? Let's see…who do, who do we have? You wanna chime in? You don't wanna chime in? No? Okay. Um…oh! Uh, another thing to run past my Atlas readers. On the blog! I want you to write in one Republican president the media liked. One. And you're gonna say, uh, they liked Reagan in death. He was dead! Hello? Okay. He was an Alzheimer, old-age-stricken idiot. Savant.

(The cameraman interjects: "Not Lincoln! They hated him!" Pam laughs.)

Listen: they hated Lincoln. And I gotta tell you…oops!

(While flailing drunkenly dramatically about, Pam, having already hogged the bathroom at a party for the last five minutes trying to remember what she was talking about, knocks over what sounds like a glass and a rack of her host's books.)

Don't…don't…no. This is on film. Don't tell Jack that I was in the bathroom at the time. Listen: they hated Lincoln. They did. Did anyone notice…eh…I…we…did we miss Bolton's speech at CPAC? That was Lincolnesque. That was up there in the, in the, uh, historical great speeches. Notice how no one read it, not C-SPAN 1, 2, 3, not FOX – F-A-U-X…nobody ran that speech. But I wanna, I wanna point something out to you: every effective Republican they destroy. John Ashcroft? Who replaced John Ashcroft? Do you know, behind the camera? Gonzalez! Then they're trying to get rid of him.

(The cameraman asks: "Elian?")

They're trying to get rid of…ha ha, Elian! Yeah, what happened to Elian Gonzalez? That poor little bastard from Cuba. They sent him back there. (Sings) No tengo dinero! Ho-o-o-ooo! No tengo dinero! Ho ho ho ho!

I'm not gonna stay on much longer. I just wanna…I wanna…I wanna get to the bedroom. I just wanna tell you that…do not fall for it! They're destroying every effective Republican. Every single one. They're destroying…listen! Where's Perle? Where's Wolfowitz? Where's Frum? They're trying to destroy Rove…with Rove…what are they trying to do with these subpoenas? They're trying to get them on the stand. Why? Because they destroy you with perjury. Hello, Scooter Libby! Hello! Hey, Scooter: make sure they don't call you that in the big pen, because you know what they're gonna do with a name like Scooter. Bada bing, bada boom! (Makes a 'fisting' gesture.)

Okay. I gotta, I gotta cut it off now. There's a line for the bathroom. Listen: Atlas! Who loves you, baby? (Makes disturbing clicking noises with mouth and wanders off to find another jumbo box of wine.)

8 comments:

lawnguylander said...

11. How Pam is invited to a party at someone's apartment, mocks the tackiness of their shower curtain and tackily posts said mockery on the internet.

t4toby said...

Wow. Just, Wow.

the dryyyyyyy cracker said...

I refuse to watch these things--I hate seeing people embarrass themselves, regardless of who they are or what they enable--so I honestly thought you'd be doing me a favor here, presenting her crazed thrashing in a less visceral form, one that I can take in with some measure of remove.

So, in theory, thank you. It clearly took a lot of effort on your part.

In practice, however--well, let's just say the translation to the page didn't have quite the distancing effect I had assumed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to curl up into the fetal position and shiver.

Nigel said...

One day someone is going to use these transcriptions as the basis of a one woman off-broadway play.

Kelly said...

Wooooooooooooooow. I about died when she called Elian Gonzalez a bastard, and started singing the "no tengo dinero" song.

Righteous Bubba said...

Leonard, if you're not some kind of wonderboy typist...well, I worry for you.

Pere Ubu said...

And he's talking about how, you know, this and that…and I said, well, what about the global jihad? He said, "What?" I said, "The global jihad!" He said "Oh, you must be a conservative". (Laughs) As if the jihad was a conservative issue! What is wrong with America?

Just goes to show how the wingnuts continue to remind me more and more of doctrinaire Stalinist Communists from the '30s, sniffing around the butts of everyone they meet to see if they meet their high standards of political correctness.

Doodle Bean said...

Thank you for the transcript, Leonard! I salute your courage... or whatever it is that made you take that task on.

Thanks again!