This Things I Believe

Because goodness knows there are not enough reasons for liberals to yell at each other and give each other reasons not to accomplish anything, and because goodness knows humor is a very personal thing that should nonetheless be dissected like a pig fetus, the time has come for this blog to take a stand on certain issues that, by gar, demand comment.

1. The author of Clown Central Station is, by the standards of our society, a big fat guy.

2. The author of Clown Central Station enjoys jokes about big fat guys, but only if they're really funny.

3. The author of Clown Central Station firmly believes that using Photoshop to insert a picture of a giant sandwich into the outstretched hands of a big fat guy is almost always funny.

4. Even if that big fat guy were, for example, himself.

5. But if the big fat guy in question is a crazy right-wing mass murder enthusiast?

5a. Who, incidentally, writes video-game-themed fan fiction?

6. Funnier still!

7. The author of Clown Central Station recognizes that there are other big fat guys, as well as big fat girls, and non-big non-fat persons of every conceivable gender permutation, who do not appreciate the humor of portraying a crazy right-wing mass murder enthusiast/big fat guy with a giant sandwich in his outstretched hands. This is hard to understand -- I, a big fat guy who has enjoyed a giant sandwich as recently as Tuesday, can scarcely type the words "big fat guy" and "giant sandwich" without collapsing into helpless big fat guy laughter -- but I recognize that this is the case.

8. That said, the author of Clown Central Station believes that one should always disarm the bomb before rearranging the night stand on which it sits. To put it another way, perhaps when we are sufficiently advanced that we are no longer in jeopardy of big fat guys wrecking our economy, destroying our environment, crushing our civil rights, and leading us into pointless, blood-soaked wars, then we can focus our attention on whether or not it's okay to call them big fat guys.

9. George Bush's chimp ears are just as God made them, and just because Massa hits you with a whip doesn't mean you should call him a cracker. Still, who can account for the delight of the soul?

10. Should a moratorium be reached among my people that no big fat guy of the right may henceforth be depicted holding a giant sandwich, I will be happy to host such ideologically unsuitable photographs here. I have no sense of decency.

10b. In this sense, I resemble every fucking right-winger on the planet, who, the minute they see that thread over at Feministe, are going to be saying "HAW HAW LOOKIT THE LARDOS MICHAEL MOORE FAGIT-ASS FATTY FAT FAT PUSSY" (I paraphrase somewhat), regardless of their own big-fat-guyness or lack thereof. Therein, it might be argued, lies a thing that is essential; but my stock in trade is clowning, not thinking. Thus ends my ten-pound pizzapoint manifesto.


The Stuffmeister said...

ZERO fucking comments? Dood, this is hilarious. Keep on bringin it, homes....


Lesley said...

Holy cow, man. That's one brilliant post (#480) you wrote over at feministe. Thanks for that. I wish I had a tenth of the brain you have and I'd happily make giant special order subs for you every damn day.

CS Lewis Jr. said...

Would you happen to be the Leonard Pierce talking to John Hodgman via Walkie-Talkie in Little Gray Book Lecture no. 29, by any chance?

Thanks for the reasonableness in the Political Correctness Nightmare Thread From Hell. It's still going on over there. I think they're arguing about being mean about the Church now. I had to leave, my sandwich was ready.


I am that selfsame Leonard Pierce, wire industry insider! Were you in attendance at that lecture, or did you just hear it?

The best thing about that whole dust-up is that it allowed me to type the word "sandwich" over and over again.

CS Lewis Jr. said...

Great day in the morning! Truly it is a small geek world.

I see Hodgman cracking up Jon Stewart. Book is plugged. I buy book. Author's photo mysteriously contains several names in chalk, notably "Coulton."

Surfing the Intertubes, I come across list of top ten Web videos of 2006. This sends me to YouTube video of song "Code Monkey." I am charmed by song, search for T-shirts, land on Jonathan Coulton's merch page, see lyrics that pique my interest, surf to his songs page, listen to awesome songs, instantly become huge fan.

Learn that Coulton and Hodgman have done LGB Lectures. So that's what that name was doing on the book! Download LGB podcasts. Hilarious. Find LGB Radio Pilot download, which happens to be no. 29.

I am listening to that while the Feministe wanktacular is in full kerfluffle. Suddenly you, who only hours earlier had been saving me the trouble of figuring out how to get my point across better to the angry comrades online, are being castigated in my headphones for your atavistic adherence to the dead technology of wired communication.

Stuff me, I think to myself, what a coincidence if that is the same Pierce, and so it is.

Either this is a truly amazing example of the workings of the inscrutable universe, or I'm part of a very incestuous media clique.

Anyway, good on ya, nice to meet you.

Boy howdy, I haven't had a Re-Education Lecture like that since college. They're funnier when you're stoned.

skyline said...

The only thing freaky and more coincidence-ridden than the above post is the fact that, although I know Leonard, I had no idea he had anything to do with the LGB lectures, and that Galapagos (a club in Williamsburg where -- I'm guessing -- a lot of these lectures take place) is becoming more and more of a meme in my own personal life.


skyline said...

Okay, what's even FREAKY(ER) and MORE coincidence-ridden than I realized, was the fact that apparently, I have a google account.