But maybe you can't watch her latest demented video diary. Maybe all the people linking to it all over the internet are doing you a disservice, because, for whatever reason, you can't look. Maybe you're at work. Maybe you have a net-nanny that disallows inebriated ramblings. Maybe you have a low nausea threshhold. That's where I come in. This is the only weblog on the internet that actually provides you with word-for-word transcriptions of Crazy Pammy's video diaries. I realize the transcript leaves much to be desired -- it does not capture her bizarre physical tics, her obnoxious Long Island accent, or the clear signs of overindulgence in her eyes -- but it's a start. Only I am willing to expose myself to this toxicity for the good of the nation. Only I can provide this service.
Thank me later.
I'm just gonna try and…(Pammy waves her hands about breezily, as if trying to conjure a gin and tonic out of thin air)…boil everything down to its essential oils. Mmmmmm.
(A strange cartoon, possibly from an eastern European propaganda film about hoarders, appears on the screen. It is the face of a man, in whose mouth, instead of teeth, are the letters I-R-A-N.)
Yeah, time for a quick chat, whattya say? It's that time again. Because it's a crazy week. Things have been nuts. The new Congress…it's breathless. You wouldn’t believe it. You would not be able to suspend your disbelief if you were watching it on television. They are coming up with a resolution…a reso-lution (Pammy tosses her hair back in an extravagant gesture that recalls the Sextette-era work of Mae West.) that the President can use his powers against the number one Islamic enemy in the world, funding terror for corner to corner of this great big ball of a globe. (Editor's note: balls do not have corners.) Iran. The top Senate Democrats…top…top of what?
(At this point, Pammy seems to become lost in some sort of erotic reverie, and we cut to a picture of the president of Iran, followed by a cartoon of fanatical Muslims cheering for John Kerry for no adequately explored reason.)
…have, uh, introduced legislation that can't take action on Iran. (Editor's note: no American legislation can take action on Iran.) Now, let me tell you something. I mean, just today – every day, I could do, if I had, maybe if I had a little, a little producer, a little helper, a little researcher, a little this, a little…but it's all me. Okay? Um…just today, they were, I were…Iranian weapons experts in Gaza! I, we, Ira..we..Iranian weapons experts in Gaza…can't even say it! (Pammy laughs at her own inability to communicate clearly.) And one killed himself! Oooooh! Check that out. Killed himself. I mean, he must have had such an extraordinary package. (Editor's note: what?) He must have had some intel. Like, "I gotta get out of here, they gotta…they gonna get hold of me, man, aaccckh!" Now, they started their 3,000 centrifuges. They're in Iraq. They're in Syria. They're in Lebanon, funding Hezbollah, funding Hamas, but your top Senate Democrats say (Pammy makes a scary lion noise and begins speaking, I guess, like a Senate Democrat who is also an Iranian, or something.) "Rrraah! We will help pave the road into Iran for the Twelfth Imam!" Now, why did the poison dwarf have to be…repave that road anyway, huh? I've often wondered about that. I mean, is…is the Twelfth Imam, he's the Mahdi, he's got, like, the soft tuchus? The road was bumpy, he'd be like, "Ooh hoo hoo". I'm just curious why he had to repave the road. I don't know, that's always struck me as, well, curious. But, I guess, nothing's good for the Mahdi.
So, you have the Dems doing that – it's also interesting how the Dems are just exploding left and right. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Remember those bimball…what did they call them? Bimbo explosions? There was a word for them. There was a, uh, uh, uh…(Pammy snaps her fingers rhythmically to a beat only she can hear.) A buzzword for them under, um…bimbo eruption. Clinton. Yeah, he was good for so many things. The, er, the, um, ah…so many Democrat, uh, eruptions. Uh, you see, they're so used to having such a free hand at the press that they say anything. Anything. And now that there's, uh, blogs, and there's accountability – not through the media, through the maverick media, as I like to consider myself – that a guy like Biden, the Chief Plagiarist, okay? He actually stole somebody else's life. Cribbed somebody else's life to write about. This was a presidential candidate? This was a top senate Democrat? This is, uh, judging Bolton? It's unbelievable. Um, Ellsworth Toohey, Ayn Rand, uh, bloooobloooblooobloooo! (Pammy makes a scary "I AM HYPNOTIZING YOU!" gesture.) It's her birthday! (Pammy sings "Birthday" by the Beatles.) Love you, Ayn! To Biden…so, okay, yeah! Did you hear what he said about Obama? Or as Ted Kennedy would say, "Oh, Obama bin-Laden, Oma…Soma…Osama bin-Laden, buh buh buh…"
(Cut to news footage of Ted Kennedy mispronouncing Barack Obama's name, proving that since he is incoherent and mispronounces things, no one should pay attention to him.)
Um…yes, he said he's…clean. Articulate and clean. Wow. As opposed to what? As opposed to those caveman commercials?
(Cut to footage of Barack Obama and Joe Biden, with Biden's comments played slowed down to make him sound like the Devil.)
What up with that? All the time. They get caught with stuff like this all the time now. And on the other side, the Republicans, who have been on…who have been under such an acute microscope, so tight they can't talk! They can't tell the people "We're at war! A second and a, uh, new nuclear arms race is on now! There's a great catastrophe coming!" They can't speak because they've been so – by the thought police – monitored. Look at Trent Lott! You say one wrong word…no! But, up…uh, apologize, you, all you…doesn't matter. (Pammy makes a cut throat gesture.) Mmm. No pun intended. (Editor's note: none delivered.)
So, it's interesting to watch the Democrats implode. It is not interesting to watch them vote against what we are doing in Iraq. I am telling you for the ten millionth, eight hundred ninety-third time, I don't care if it's not going well. Wars don't go well until they're won. Then everybody feels really good and really happy and they all run around into town square and the man kisses the girl and everybody's like "Yeah!"
(Cut to the famous shot of a sailor kissing a woman in Times Square.)
But until such a time, it's a war! Now, why can't my peeps get out there and say it? What's wrong with the conservatives? Why can't we explain this to the American people? Alls you have to do is look at the newspapers. Uh…suspected lovers in Pakistan. (Editor's note: while surveys show that, for the most part, the American public is actually aware that we are at war, they correctly believe that we are not at war with Pakistan, which is our ally.) They were suspected lovers. What did they do? They stoned them to death. It's a hail. A hail of fucking bricks. Can you imagine? A delicious love. They said "No, we, we…" – they denied it, denied it, denied it – I mean, I would have denied it too. I mean, ha ha…yeah. U.K. more radicalized than ever. You saw this, this week's, this week's fresh hell? This week's fresh hell was, we're gonna kidnap a soldier – a Muslim soldier. And we're gonna torture him on camera, and we're gonna…you know, they behead…lemme tell you about the, if you ever watch one of the, um, beheadings, which I really believe every America should watch so they know the enemy, they don't take this gorgeous sharp knife, chhhhhup! (Pammy makes a beheading gesture, perhaps to suggest that Americans would be more forgiving of Muslim terrorists who behead innocent victims if only they did it with an attractive and properly sharpened weapon.) They take, like, this rusty, raggedy instrument – hkkk-koo! hkkk-koo! hkkk-koo! (Pammy makes a "sawing a guy's head off with a rusty, raggedy instrument" gesture, so that we all know how terrible Muslims are.) You gotta watch it! You gotta know what you're dealing with.
Anyway, that's my story, I'm stickin' to it. I'm gonna give you a little night music, tonight – I'm gonna be sufficiently chilling. (Editor's note: few would argue that Pammy was not already sufficiently chilling.) Have a glass of wine. Enjoy, you know, the last days before (Pammy tattoos a drumbeat on her thighs) before the big one! My prediction, 2008 – even though I don't even wanna talk about 2008, I'm tired of 2008, it's too early for 2008, my candidate even hasn't arrived yet, how about that? This is what I have to say about 2008. The Dems take it. House. Senate. White House. Okay? And they do Neville, Neville, Neville. You know Neville. Just like in 1938. Neville. Appease, appease, appease, appease, appease, appease – that's gonna happen. And then there's gonna be a catastrophe. And that's gonna…and, and that's it. And trust me: Bush – Bush is a victim of his own success. (Editor's note: HA HA HA HA HA) There's no attacks, so he was fearmongering! There was really nothing to fear! You see, there was no attacks! And if there was an attack? You see, he wasn't on the job! If he was on the job he would have connected the dots! If he'd connected the dots, there wouldn't have been an attack! If there wasn't an attack, there's be dah, dah dah blah, daah daah bluh! (Pammy lapses into an apparently feigned incoherence.) The barking dogs of insanity. And blame Bush? When they blame Bush they just blame me. And they're blaming you. And they're blaming anyone who voted for him. Because Bush is an icon for American choice.
(An inexplicable star-wipe occurs.)
And "Bush lied, people died. Bush lied." We're at war. It's really scary. It's really scary. Everybody's talking about nothing that's anything and everything that's nothing. Global warming. Brrrrrr! A-ha! So, they changed it now. It's not – you're not allowed to call it global warming anymore. Al Gore'll come to your house and talk to you. Now if that's not punishment enough…yes. Not global warming. It's climate change. Boom boom boom. (Pammy makes a mustache out of her hair.) It's climate change. Well, what do you say…what does climate do, anyway. And I want to say something about climate change. Can I say something about climate change? Can you say it with me? Oh, I know that…it's, that's totally junk science, junk science dot com, and it's total bullshit. "Oh, but look, it really is down a degree! Look!" Let me tell you something, all right? Okay? Ah…here's a tip. The Earth is gonna be fine. The Earth is gonna be really fine. We'll be dead! Yeah. Oh yeah. But the Earth is gonna go on long past us. I would't worry about us. I'd worry about the fookin' jihad. You see what's going on all over the world? In Iran? Global, uh, roundup. Take, take, take a look at it. Global jihad roundup. You'll be assaulted here in America by CAIR, by Impact…they're approaching this country differently than they've approached France, because in France, they have the first radical Islamic president. His name is Shit-rac. (Pammy begins speaking in an accent that is somewhere between French and east L.A. cholo.) "Well, ees okay if Iran has, oh, one or two nukes, I don' know… (Pammy begins sucking her index finger.) I didden mean it!" Wink wink, nod nod. Wink wink, nod nod. "I didden mean it!"
(Another wipe that Pammy learned in adult education class occurs for no reason.)
Anyway, on that note, send me your thoughts, your letters, your love…you could hit the tip jar. No one's hit the tip jar! What, what do you think, I'm made of money? Trust me. Not. And, um, see ya on the uptake.