2.21.2007

Counterpoint: homos are gross

The Medfly doesn't want to seem like some sort of a deranged, homophobic asshole like Tim Hardaway, but he has to admit: queers are pretty yucky.

You can tell early on that the Medfly is going to bust some crazy science on us:

In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks. The analogy is ridiculous, of course. There is no rational basis for discomfort at playing with athletes of another race since science and experience show that human racial differences remain insignificant. The much better analogy for discomfort at gay teammates involves the widespread (and generally accepted) idea that women and men shouldn’t share locker rooms.


You see, science has shown us that being creeped out at hanging around with blacks is not rational -- but being creeped out at hanging around with gays? That's perfectly in line with human nature! Science and rationality totally support homophobia! IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE

Making gay males unwelcome in the intimate circumstances of an NBA team makes just as much sense as making straight males unwelcome in the showers for a women’s team at the WNBA. Most female athletes would prefer not to shower together with men not because they hate males (though some of them no doubt do), but because they hope to avoid the tension, distraction and complication that prove inevitable when issues of sexual attraction (and even arousal) intrude into the arena of competitive sports.


Regarding the cute little jab at the man-hating lesbians of the WNBA, the Medfly seems confused. If there are a bunch of dykes in the WNBA, wouldn't the sexual tension come from showering with other women? Also, I'm not sure if he's aware of this, but there are male locker room reporters in the WNBA, but like the male locker room reporters in the regular NBA, they do not actually shower with the athletes.

But wait! The Medfly is about to reach the zenith of dumb. Let's watch!

Tim Hardaway (and most of his former NBA teammates) wouldn’t welcome openly gay players into the locker room any more than they’d welcome profoundly unattractive, morbidly obese women. I specify unattractive females because if a young lady is attractive (or, even better, downright “hot”) most guys, very much including the notorious love machines of the National Basketball Association, would probably welcome her joining their showers. The ill-favored, grossly overweight female is the right counterpart to a gay male because, like the homosexual, she causes discomfort due to the fact that attraction can only operate in one direction. She might well feel drawn to the straight guys with whom she’s grouped, while they feel downright repulsed at the very idea of sex with her.


RESOLVED:

- Homos are gross
- They're kinda like fat ugly broads
- In that no one wants to fuck them
- NBA players are like dogs that are constantly in rut
- So they would really get off on showering with hot chicks
- But not fat ugly gross ones
- Which is what homos are like (see Point 2)
- Unlike the roguish heteros of the NBA, there is nothing charming about the sexual desires of disgusting fat ladies or queers
- And decent people should not be exposed to anything like that
- Therefore, Tim Hardaway is right

The Medfly, ladies and gentlemen. Solving all our problems...with SCIENCE!

3 comments:

brandiweed said...

Having looked at pictures of Michael Medved, I think I can reassure him that he doesn't need to fear surprise George Takei sex.

Jake said...

Wowie zowie. Who knew that "no queers" and "no fat chicks" were equivalent statements?

Matt said...

You know.... homophobes are usually on the run from their own deep dark psyche, which is probably serving up unwelcome urges.