It's a Doug's Doug's Doug's Doug's World

We haven't checked in on Doug Giles in a few weeks, and it seems that in the meantime, he's gone from worrying that his daughters might marry a Negro to someone might mistake him for a fruit.

But not to worry! Doug is a man's man -- possibly even a man's man's man -- but that doesn't mean he's a, er, man's man. In fact, he has ten simple rules so that "you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit". Doug, you see, doesn't understand the homo mind. He doesn't understand why gay men don't like women, when they want to be women; and, in a seeming contradiction that nonetheless is right at home in his meaty brain, he doesn't understand why, if lesbians like women, they behave like men. He also, in a choice that may be more revealing than he intends, expresses a desire that gay men emulate ruff-trade leatherboy Rob Halford instead of "Jay Alexander"* But he's willing to meet the queers halfway, and has compiled a list of ten things to know about the straight man.

1. We can clean up real good.

2. That said, we don't want clean fingernails or fruity hairdos.

3. Also, Vespas are for girls and "Harley's" are for boys.

4. Little dogs are definitely fruity.

5. All straight men enjoy cavorting in the glory of a steaming pile of animal intestines.

6. Real men do not use Chap-Stik.

7. "We like boots not flip flops." (I think Doug here is confusing gay men with elderly Floridians.)

8. Real men do not like Celine Dion, especially "for the eight time". However, they are apparently powerless to change the channel when she is on.

9. We like tits.

10. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! Isn't that funny? He just thought of it.

*: Presumably, Doug means ANTM's J. Alexander, and not this guy.