Be my neo-con Valentine

You know, there's more to the National Review than just Jonah Goldberg and the Corner Boys making Star Trek references. They have their romantic side, too, and they celebrated Valentine's Day by writing adorably goopy love letters to their favorite politicos.

It's always hard to judge someone's sincere declaration of love; ranking one honest, heartfelt expression of feelings against another seems almost cruel. So how can we say what's best? How can we say that Andrew Breitbart's mash note to shrill lesbian anti-feminist Tammy Bruce is better or worse than Lucianne Goldberg's adoration of Margaret Thatcher for her unparalleled ability to wear a hat? (No, really. Go look.) Bridget Johnson gets all wet at the thought of "sexy" Israeli ambassador Dan Gillerman, and Kathryn Jean Lopez finds her heart aflutter at the thought of shithouse-rat-crazy ex-Senator Bob Dornan. (They don't let Jonah play, because he just says "Seven of Nine" every time.)

The reprehensible Maggie Thatcher is, indeed, the most adored (though not always for her hat-wearing skills), with Ronald Reagan a close second, but Rudy Giuliani is a strong candidate for neo-con love. Midge (Mrs. Norman Podhoretz) Decter singles him out for his Negro-hiding skills:

Practically every New Yorker over the age of 17 knows from his own experience that [before Giuliani] our city had become a dirty, dangerous, and depressed place, with criminals and beggars vying for pride of place in its streets

But the best of all comes from pudding-sweet Danielle Crittenden, who likewise admires Rudy's courageous stance in locking up homeless people, and expresses in rhyme her love of the only man who can stand up to the Democrats who are doing such a lousy job of protecting the Kurds:

You may not be pro-life enough
for the religious right;
You may come on too mean and tough
to please every girl in sight;

While it's true your past is shady
And could spoil photo-ops;
(What with Bernie, the ex-first lady,
And that Louima stuff with the cops...)

I can't help feeling you're the man
with whom to spend the next two terms;
You're a butt-kicking Yankee fan
Who's got no time for worms.

A man who's locked out Arafat
And thrown vagrants into prison
Won't cringe before a Democrat
Or allow Iran nuclear fission.

We need you to beat Obama
Whose grand evasive words
Won't find and kill Osama
Or protect Israel, or the Kurds.

That's why I’ll board the Rudy bus
'Cause in politics as in love
Courage is what carries us
When push comes down to shove.


1 comment:

Diane said...

We should've guessed shitty Republican poets would start showing their heads when a Dem came along whose name rhymes with "Osama."